I spoke in my last blog about needing a God nudge to work out my future, and I am proud to say that I have recieved it.
For years I have been keen to study psychology, however lately I had been feeling like it may not be the profession for me... at least not yet. I thought that I might find it too hard to cope with, considering my recent struggles with depression and also, it is a 6 year degree with not a whole lot of chance of employment at the end.
So I applied to qtac anyway thinking that at least I could change my preferences. In the meantime I searched for fulltime positions. One, I came second for, based on lack of experience and one I was about to be offered however a resignation was withdrawn and therefore I was no longer needed.
This week however, I was in some deep prayer and like "ok God, I kinda would like to know what I should do...." but He didn't say anything. I went to bed.
Next morning it hit me... and I changed my preferences to nursing at qut. I am so excited to be starting nursing next year and just amazed that it has been staring at me quite bluntly for so long! I don't think I have felt so excited about a "career move" in, well, ever.
So that's that, I am gonna be a nursey nurse.
Our new youth group leaders are great, Antony is great. I got an OP 7 which is awesome considering I took 2 months off school this year due to illness, failed to stay awake for more than 10 minutes per class, picked subjects I hated and worked 15 + hrs on average every week. Ode to life! LOL So perhaps my lifestyle will have to change for next year hehehe
BUT I was thrilled to see that I got an A for QCS! I couldn't care less about the OP score, but I feel smart for getting an A. If only I had tried in year 12 I may have been one of these smart ppls but oh well.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Decisions Decisions
Learning a few lessons at the moment. Kinda tough times but HOPEfully I can remain JOYful and PEACEful.
I've decided to abandon my fear of judgement and do what I need to do. I, like many others ignore what is best for me and what is in God's will because of fear of what others will do, say and think. In the end though, that doesn't really matter coz God is all powerful and promises that all things will work for the good (eventually). And also, I figure that if people do not approve of my decisions or mock me because of them, I will know what the status of that relationship is!
Needless to say, I am still struggling to make decisions but I am going to keep waiting for a God nudge. It will come.
I've decided to abandon my fear of judgement and do what I need to do. I, like many others ignore what is best for me and what is in God's will because of fear of what others will do, say and think. In the end though, that doesn't really matter coz God is all powerful and promises that all things will work for the good (eventually). And also, I figure that if people do not approve of my decisions or mock me because of them, I will know what the status of that relationship is!
Needless to say, I am still struggling to make decisions but I am going to keep waiting for a God nudge. It will come.
Friday, December 01, 2006
No net
Once again my internet is being difficult and so I find myself at Strathpine shopping centre again because there are computers here. What would I do without it?
Anyway, I am realising how busy I used to be and how much better the simple life is. Seriously, I have so much time and energy and I have only been on holidays for two weeks. It is truly amazing lol.
My session is nearly over so I off I go.
Anyway, I am realising how busy I used to be and how much better the simple life is. Seriously, I have so much time and energy and I have only been on holidays for two weeks. It is truly amazing lol.
My session is nearly over so I off I go.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Humans are territorial
I have come to the conclusion that men are a strange species. It is almost as though they spend every second of the day scanning their surroundings for a potential girlfriend (or hook up). I mean sure, women do this to an extent, but I know that I for one do not look at every guy I meet as potential. Granted, I have a partner, but even when I didn't I was never obsessed with guys!!!
In the last 6 months I have felt almost inundated with offers from various people (I say people because it included one female...) and I have noticed that when it comes to dating, men are not humans, in actual fact, they lose all of their higher order thinking and what you see is the pheromones (sorry if that is spelt wrong). It is this that causes the charm, the chattiness, the eagerness to impress, the clinginess, the stupid stunts and the animosity towards other male contenders.
But it isn't all a bad thing... I mean think about animals. How good must it feel for the female to know that two men want the privelage of being "intimate" with her so bad that they will fight to the death for the right. She must feel pretty special. So I guess it is the same thing with humans. Ok, so men don't fight to the death, and they are not exactly ONLY fighting for the privelage of intimacy (although in most cases it will ultimately end that way should he be truly successful) but nevertheless, they will do nearly anything to get the gal.
This leads me onto my dear Antony. Now he knows I love him and that no one else could ever receive a glance, because he's everything I want and all the mushy stuff, and he knows all this. However, when he knows that I am being pursued (we're still using animal language here) he becomes very defensive. He is not happy that another male is trying to move in on his property. So his first response is usually one of passive aggression towards the other (thankfully not all of the higher order thinking left, otherwise blood would be shed), then it becomes a mood of protectiveness, then finally, one of extreme affection.
At the end of the day, the Alpha male can rest knowing that his female is still in his territory. He knows that he must rejuvinate his strength for he never knows what kind of opponent tomorrow may bring.
At the end of the day, the Chosen female rests not fully comprehending why her male is being so defensive when she only has eyes for him, but does not bother questioning it, rather watches as her male goes to battle to prove his love for her.
And the crazy thing is... we're talking about humans here!
In the last 6 months I have felt almost inundated with offers from various people (I say people because it included one female...) and I have noticed that when it comes to dating, men are not humans, in actual fact, they lose all of their higher order thinking and what you see is the pheromones (sorry if that is spelt wrong). It is this that causes the charm, the chattiness, the eagerness to impress, the clinginess, the stupid stunts and the animosity towards other male contenders.
But it isn't all a bad thing... I mean think about animals. How good must it feel for the female to know that two men want the privelage of being "intimate" with her so bad that they will fight to the death for the right. She must feel pretty special. So I guess it is the same thing with humans. Ok, so men don't fight to the death, and they are not exactly ONLY fighting for the privelage of intimacy (although in most cases it will ultimately end that way should he be truly successful) but nevertheless, they will do nearly anything to get the gal.
This leads me onto my dear Antony. Now he knows I love him and that no one else could ever receive a glance, because he's everything I want and all the mushy stuff, and he knows all this. However, when he knows that I am being pursued (we're still using animal language here) he becomes very defensive. He is not happy that another male is trying to move in on his property. So his first response is usually one of passive aggression towards the other (thankfully not all of the higher order thinking left, otherwise blood would be shed), then it becomes a mood of protectiveness, then finally, one of extreme affection.
At the end of the day, the Alpha male can rest knowing that his female is still in his territory. He knows that he must rejuvinate his strength for he never knows what kind of opponent tomorrow may bring.
At the end of the day, the Chosen female rests not fully comprehending why her male is being so defensive when she only has eyes for him, but does not bother questioning it, rather watches as her male goes to battle to prove his love for her.
And the crazy thing is... we're talking about humans here!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Beautiful
Since I finished school, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on adolescence (even though I'm still in it for another 2.5 years grr) and school and I guess womanhood and how truly valuable it is.
I think both the church and secular society has completely missed the point of what it means to be a woman. I think God created Eve and her daughters to be beautiful, desirable, lovely, captivating. So let's think about this. Beauty... sure, we see the cultural notions of beauty. Tall, thin etc and it is the goal of many women to be this, which is why you can seriously increase sales by using the "fat free" claims. But anyway, most women don't fit the stereotype of media beauty and consequently doubt themselves and I find it sad. The other way to consider beauty is what many churches and motivational groups do and make claims that beauty is nothing to do with the physical, it's all who you are. So society can really be broken up into the women who strive to be physically beautiful and women who forget about physical beauty in the search for inner beauty. But here is something to consider... maybe God wants us to be both.
I think a woman is most beautiful when she knows that she is desired and is playing an irreplaceable role in whatever she is doing. For example, I know that I personally feel most whole and exude the most "inner" beauty when I am in the company of Antony. Why? Because I know that he desires me, that he is captivated by me physically and emotionally. Great news is that we don't need a man for this, because we have Jesus.
Personally, I am sick of seeing women at church hide behind old hairstyles in an attempt to not be noticed or because they feel inadequate compared to magazine girls. Sure, if they are comfortable how they are, that's great and I certainly do not condone women being over the top, I guess I am simply saddened to see beautiful women hide because they are afraid or have been wounded in the past. I am sick of seeing women hide behind their business and not giving others a chance to simply get to know them. Think of Mary and Martha... Jesus did not want to know about how clean the house was or how well the women could cook, he simply wanted to know them. To be in the presence of beautiful women. So why do church women spend so much time doing the chores and "pleasing" everybody?
My next gripe is when women want to do a man's job. Now I am all for equality and bla bla bla but seriously, men want to be strong, to be capable and who are we to stop them?
Imagine, a society where women had the balance between physically caring for themselves to be attractive and having a calmness, compassion and strength that makes a beautiful soul. Imagine these women were valued not because of the things they did, but because of their very presence. Imagine our men were strong and capable. They wanted to care for, desire and love their ladies, and the ladies loved it. God created man and women to need each other. Adam needed Eve as much as she needed him. Women say they can do anything they don't need a man... that is pure selfishness because our men actually need us.
For so many years I have been afraid that I too may actually be beautiful. It was a word that I thought too strong to use for myself. I am learning however, that God created me, the Daughter of Eve to be a reflection of the persona of God himself. Woman is God's beauty in life form. Man is God's strength in life form. So you know what, I will not be afraid to be vulnerable, I will let people see a calm and passionate soul. I will allow people to enjoy my company, desire my presence so that I may be a true reflection of a loving God. And the cool thing is, every woman can be that without being a 1950's housewife. That is ultimately what a lot of us are scared of, that vulnerabilty and submission is only accomplished by being the good wife, good mother, get no say lady. In fact, you can be beautiful no matter what you do. Ask God what it means.
"Am I lovely?" says a little girl to her Daddy "Yes, my Princess, you are MORE than lovely!"
I think both the church and secular society has completely missed the point of what it means to be a woman. I think God created Eve and her daughters to be beautiful, desirable, lovely, captivating. So let's think about this. Beauty... sure, we see the cultural notions of beauty. Tall, thin etc and it is the goal of many women to be this, which is why you can seriously increase sales by using the "fat free" claims. But anyway, most women don't fit the stereotype of media beauty and consequently doubt themselves and I find it sad. The other way to consider beauty is what many churches and motivational groups do and make claims that beauty is nothing to do with the physical, it's all who you are. So society can really be broken up into the women who strive to be physically beautiful and women who forget about physical beauty in the search for inner beauty. But here is something to consider... maybe God wants us to be both.
I think a woman is most beautiful when she knows that she is desired and is playing an irreplaceable role in whatever she is doing. For example, I know that I personally feel most whole and exude the most "inner" beauty when I am in the company of Antony. Why? Because I know that he desires me, that he is captivated by me physically and emotionally. Great news is that we don't need a man for this, because we have Jesus.
Personally, I am sick of seeing women at church hide behind old hairstyles in an attempt to not be noticed or because they feel inadequate compared to magazine girls. Sure, if they are comfortable how they are, that's great and I certainly do not condone women being over the top, I guess I am simply saddened to see beautiful women hide because they are afraid or have been wounded in the past. I am sick of seeing women hide behind their business and not giving others a chance to simply get to know them. Think of Mary and Martha... Jesus did not want to know about how clean the house was or how well the women could cook, he simply wanted to know them. To be in the presence of beautiful women. So why do church women spend so much time doing the chores and "pleasing" everybody?
My next gripe is when women want to do a man's job. Now I am all for equality and bla bla bla but seriously, men want to be strong, to be capable and who are we to stop them?
Imagine, a society where women had the balance between physically caring for themselves to be attractive and having a calmness, compassion and strength that makes a beautiful soul. Imagine these women were valued not because of the things they did, but because of their very presence. Imagine our men were strong and capable. They wanted to care for, desire and love their ladies, and the ladies loved it. God created man and women to need each other. Adam needed Eve as much as she needed him. Women say they can do anything they don't need a man... that is pure selfishness because our men actually need us.
For so many years I have been afraid that I too may actually be beautiful. It was a word that I thought too strong to use for myself. I am learning however, that God created me, the Daughter of Eve to be a reflection of the persona of God himself. Woman is God's beauty in life form. Man is God's strength in life form. So you know what, I will not be afraid to be vulnerable, I will let people see a calm and passionate soul. I will allow people to enjoy my company, desire my presence so that I may be a true reflection of a loving God. And the cool thing is, every woman can be that without being a 1950's housewife. That is ultimately what a lot of us are scared of, that vulnerabilty and submission is only accomplished by being the good wife, good mother, get no say lady. In fact, you can be beautiful no matter what you do. Ask God what it means.
"Am I lovely?" says a little girl to her Daddy "Yes, my Princess, you are MORE than lovely!"
Car Troubles
Car troubles...
Well I am the subject of pay out this week because of a potentially costly mistake... For about a week or so I noticed that my car (Cecil) was making strange scratchy metal sounds and I couldn't work out why. So I took it to the mechanic (twice) and he drove it around but on both occasions it wouldn't make the noise, so he couldn't do anything about it. Then, mum asked me if I had been checking the oil and radiator cooler water and I said yes I had done that. HOWEVER Cevine (Sa-von) mum's fiance checked it and I had absolutely NO oil and NO water which was the reason for my noises.
It turns out that I checked it wrong. See I put the stick in (when the engine was cool) and I pulled it out, wiped it, put it back in and pulled it out again, but what I didn't know was that the little drizzle of oil down the side of the stick is not what you use to measure it. So there I was thinking that I was doing it right, and I wasn't!
I nearly killed Cecil. Oops. And then to make things worse, I was telling my story to the guy who drove us to the formal whilst we were waiting and he said "it's just as well you're pretty. You'll have to rely on your looks to get you through life."
I felt like a bimbo.
Well I am the subject of pay out this week because of a potentially costly mistake... For about a week or so I noticed that my car (Cecil) was making strange scratchy metal sounds and I couldn't work out why. So I took it to the mechanic (twice) and he drove it around but on both occasions it wouldn't make the noise, so he couldn't do anything about it. Then, mum asked me if I had been checking the oil and radiator cooler water and I said yes I had done that. HOWEVER Cevine (Sa-von) mum's fiance checked it and I had absolutely NO oil and NO water which was the reason for my noises.
It turns out that I checked it wrong. See I put the stick in (when the engine was cool) and I pulled it out, wiped it, put it back in and pulled it out again, but what I didn't know was that the little drizzle of oil down the side of the stick is not what you use to measure it. So there I was thinking that I was doing it right, and I wasn't!
I nearly killed Cecil. Oops. And then to make things worse, I was telling my story to the guy who drove us to the formal whilst we were waiting and he said "it's just as well you're pretty. You'll have to rely on your looks to get you through life."
I felt like a bimbo.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Formal Photos
Well I tried to post my formal photos on here and it just took ages, so if you'd like to see them, go to http://crazycassandra.spaces.live.com and you can see them!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Finished
Well I am officially finished and may I say, it's a great feeling. The formal was great and I will post pictures soon, but I cried at the end of the night. I never thought I would, coz I have hated school since hmm, day 1 of year 8 and largely it was because of the people and the expectations... but for some reason I got so emotional and once the tears started I was a total wreck. How shamed! Arrrgh, anyway, I think my tears were a mixture of regret for not ceasing the opportunity for so many potentially great friendships, fear of the world out there, tiredness, relief and just because! I'm alright now, no more tears and I am so happy to be finished, I won't let myself have regrets and I'm excited for the future which I have no idea about! Yay!!!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Finishing...
Well, I have finished all of my high school exams and assignments forever. Geez this is a freakin' awesome feeling.
My graduation and formal are next Thursday (16/11) and I will certainly post pictures. I can't wait but until then, it's just chilling!
My graduation and formal are next Thursday (16/11) and I will certainly post pictures. I can't wait but until then, it's just chilling!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
The end is near
Oh my gosh... tomorrow is my last two exams EVER (or until I continue with further study...) but anyway, I am so excited!!!
Legal studies prepared essay, followed by audition pieces for drama. I can taste the freedom already!!!
Then after that, 2 more school days of doing nothing, then alternative program where I go to school once or twice and then graduation and then formal!!!
I want to scream in excitement!!!
I had to sing this song in primary school and it said "all good things must come to an end *piano bit* the river of time keeps moving on *piano bit* we must say goodbye my friend...."
I change the words "all bad things will come to an end *piano bit* the river of time keeps moving on *piano bit* we will say goodbye Kedronites..."
YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Legal studies prepared essay, followed by audition pieces for drama. I can taste the freedom already!!!
Then after that, 2 more school days of doing nothing, then alternative program where I go to school once or twice and then graduation and then formal!!!
I want to scream in excitement!!!
I had to sing this song in primary school and it said "all good things must come to an end *piano bit* the river of time keeps moving on *piano bit* we must say goodbye my friend...."
I change the words "all bad things will come to an end *piano bit* the river of time keeps moving on *piano bit* we will say goodbye Kedronites..."
YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
And I have returned
Wow, I haven't blogged in over a month! This would by and large be due to the lack of internet connection I have had... grr it was so annoying!!! But I am back now, in case you missed me...
So what has been happening?
Moved house, it's cool I like my new house. We've started renovations so at the moment we have a smashed up bathroom and doors without handles. Crazy and apparently this goes on for a substantial amount of time... I can't wait to start painting! But it's been interesting adjusting to the extra travel time. My life is still based in Stafford so I am driving a lot more places which means I have to get up about an hour earlier and go to bed an hour later... so tiring!
Tomorrow is my last official "learning whilst at school" day. After tomorrow I have a week of exam block (in which I have 3 exams) and then a week of "alternative program" and then my formal and graduation! Then it's over. For good. No more school... strange. You know how when large groups introduce themselves to each other and go like "I'm Cassie, I go to Kedron and I am in year 12" well I won't be able to do that anymore. Not that I ever did coz that is the lamest introduction humanly possible.
As for next year... hehe what should I do? I have applied for uni and I am confident I will get in... but do I want to go? I am seriously contemplating a gap year and working to save some money and just sort myself out, find out what I really want to do with my life. I fear that if I start uni I won't have the motivation to finish it, plus a break would just be fantastic!!!
In January I am having my knee operated on finally. It is progressively getting worse and I've started to develop arthritus in it, so the surgeon is kinda thinking it might be good to fix it (I could have told him that about a year or two ago but anyway...) I am looking forward to the operation because it should give me some freedom and stuff with my knee, but it will be scary and painful at the same time.
And for now that's all. I am hungry and tired!
So what has been happening?
Moved house, it's cool I like my new house. We've started renovations so at the moment we have a smashed up bathroom and doors without handles. Crazy and apparently this goes on for a substantial amount of time... I can't wait to start painting! But it's been interesting adjusting to the extra travel time. My life is still based in Stafford so I am driving a lot more places which means I have to get up about an hour earlier and go to bed an hour later... so tiring!
Tomorrow is my last official "learning whilst at school" day. After tomorrow I have a week of exam block (in which I have 3 exams) and then a week of "alternative program" and then my formal and graduation! Then it's over. For good. No more school... strange. You know how when large groups introduce themselves to each other and go like "I'm Cassie, I go to Kedron and I am in year 12" well I won't be able to do that anymore. Not that I ever did coz that is the lamest introduction humanly possible.
As for next year... hehe what should I do? I have applied for uni and I am confident I will get in... but do I want to go? I am seriously contemplating a gap year and working to save some money and just sort myself out, find out what I really want to do with my life. I fear that if I start uni I won't have the motivation to finish it, plus a break would just be fantastic!!!
In January I am having my knee operated on finally. It is progressively getting worse and I've started to develop arthritus in it, so the surgeon is kinda thinking it might be good to fix it (I could have told him that about a year or two ago but anyway...) I am looking forward to the operation because it should give me some freedom and stuff with my knee, but it will be scary and painful at the same time.
And for now that's all. I am hungry and tired!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Stop the Traffick
This Saturday we are having a divisional prayer night for "Stop the Traffick"
I'm really looking forward to it, especially because I am performing a drama for it. However as I write and practice it, I find that it is so hard. I don't understand what it is like to be sold as a 9 year old into a brothel and used daily. I don't understand what it means to not know where my family is, or to witness someone being shot because they say what they feel. I could not imagine being sewn up time and time again so that men would think I was a virgin... yet people in this world do know what this feels like and it's scary.
I feel like I am falling so short of the mark, like how could I be a good enough actor to portray what this is...
The key to art, whether it be drama, painting, song, dance whatever, is to feel it. To know what you're saying, to know the moves and mechanics is important yes, but you could know every word, having perfect pitch and do flawless key changes in a song, but if you do not believe it, what is the point? Nobody will feel it because it is passionless... if you're passionless, you may as well go do some equations coz they don't convey a whole lot of emotion....
So I have to learn to feel this and as I get better, I find myself crying and hurting badly for these people. Wherever you are, whatever you do, remember the victims of trafficking and pray for them.
I'm really looking forward to it, especially because I am performing a drama for it. However as I write and practice it, I find that it is so hard. I don't understand what it is like to be sold as a 9 year old into a brothel and used daily. I don't understand what it means to not know where my family is, or to witness someone being shot because they say what they feel. I could not imagine being sewn up time and time again so that men would think I was a virgin... yet people in this world do know what this feels like and it's scary.
I feel like I am falling so short of the mark, like how could I be a good enough actor to portray what this is...
The key to art, whether it be drama, painting, song, dance whatever, is to feel it. To know what you're saying, to know the moves and mechanics is important yes, but you could know every word, having perfect pitch and do flawless key changes in a song, but if you do not believe it, what is the point? Nobody will feel it because it is passionless... if you're passionless, you may as well go do some equations coz they don't convey a whole lot of emotion....
So I have to learn to feel this and as I get better, I find myself crying and hurting badly for these people. Wherever you are, whatever you do, remember the victims of trafficking and pray for them.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Half Day
Well today is going to be exciting. I actually get a half day off.... so I am going to sit on my bum and watch tellie all day. Very thrilling.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Camp
Drama camp was awesome, learnt so much new stuff. Although it was really intense, we pretty much got up early, had breakfast and then went straight into workshops. The only free time was when we had a meal and then there were a couple of half hour blocks of free time. So, the workshops... one was on clowning and I discovered that really you don't have to do much to be funny, one was on voice, so all about articulation, working from the diaphram etc etc and that was really good. I think all of us started to make sounds we didn't know we could, so it was really enjoyable. We also worked with masks, did some spacial awareness stuff, viewpoints...
My favourite was the acrobatics though. We learnt how to do some basic acrobatic lifts. At first it was really hard for me... I was worried about my knees and because I don't do much sport, I have poor flexibility in my legs, which makes it really difficult. However I loosened up heaps and by the end of it discovered that I actually have quite good flexibility in my lower back for someone who does no physical activities and my posture and centre of balance is not too bad either. So I got photos of the lifts that we did, I'll post them when I get them.
The other cool thing about camp was that we had heaps of grade 8 - 10 students, so for those of us who are old, it was a good chance to mentor them and teach them what we know. I became the resident make up artist for the masquerade ball we had on Saturday... about 3 yr 8 girls decided that they wanted to wear makeup and so I was the girl to ask lol. Also, at the end of camp, I was told that I was "the mother of the dorm" so I don't know how to take that.... hehehe
I'm so tired now.
My favourite was the acrobatics though. We learnt how to do some basic acrobatic lifts. At first it was really hard for me... I was worried about my knees and because I don't do much sport, I have poor flexibility in my legs, which makes it really difficult. However I loosened up heaps and by the end of it discovered that I actually have quite good flexibility in my lower back for someone who does no physical activities and my posture and centre of balance is not too bad either. So I got photos of the lifts that we did, I'll post them when I get them.
The other cool thing about camp was that we had heaps of grade 8 - 10 students, so for those of us who are old, it was a good chance to mentor them and teach them what we know. I became the resident make up artist for the masquerade ball we had on Saturday... about 3 yr 8 girls decided that they wanted to wear makeup and so I was the girl to ask lol. Also, at the end of camp, I was told that I was "the mother of the dorm" so I don't know how to take that.... hehehe
I'm so tired now.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
This weekend
8 days till we move! Tomorrow I am going to drama camp and it will be so cool. I can't wait!!! Although it will be exhausting and the day after I come home I will be going to work at 8! Then all week will be working/moving. Then the day after we move I am working at 7:30 which means leaving the house at like 6:45!!! Arrgh!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Just Jesus Man
The wierdest thing happened to me today. So I love to play the number plate game when I'm in traffic or on long trips. Basically, you use the letters and make up a meaning for them. Anyway, I am sitting at the traffic lights and I see "JJM" (by the way, heaps of plates have J's) so I thought "Just Jesus Man" so I moved on to the car next to it and saw "JJM" and I thought "woh, hang on what's happening here?" and then I realised that they were almost the same. One is "957 JJM" and the other is "575 JJM" and so my thought for today is...
wait for it...
JUST JESUS MAN!
So my plate is JOQ and I can't think of one help me out if you want!
wait for it...
JUST JESUS MAN!
So my plate is JOQ and I can't think of one help me out if you want!
Today
Just thought I should say that I feel great because today it is Antony's birthday. And obviously that means I am having a good day. So our plans for today are to do absolutely nothing... just snuggles and movies.
By the way, it's my birthday too. This day 3 years ago I became a christian. So Antony is 17 and I am 3. Hehe, I think that it is a cool coincidence.
Now we're gonna go watch a movie, so I am leaving.
By the way, it's my birthday too. This day 3 years ago I became a christian. So Antony is 17 and I am 3. Hehe, I think that it is a cool coincidence.
Now we're gonna go watch a movie, so I am leaving.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
What needs to be said
It's really sad when someone decides they don't want to be friends with you anymore. So this person in mind hasn't actually outright said "I hate you" but every day she is picking apart at everything I do. The only time she likes me is when she wants something. And if I do any wrongs by her then she doesn't want to know me.
Today I just felt like saying "you know what, ever since I met you, I have known that you backstab, tell your friends secrets to other people. The only time we've ever been close is in your times of crises when you need me for something, then you dump me for other people. And people have told me for years to give up on you because you don't act like a true friend. But you know what, I didn't give up on you because I still see value in you and love you despite the times you've hurt me. So considering that, why do you now treat me like I've never cared?"
But I didn't say that. Maybe I will say that. I think it needs to be said.
Today I just felt like saying "you know what, ever since I met you, I have known that you backstab, tell your friends secrets to other people. The only time we've ever been close is in your times of crises when you need me for something, then you dump me for other people. And people have told me for years to give up on you because you don't act like a true friend. But you know what, I didn't give up on you because I still see value in you and love you despite the times you've hurt me. So considering that, why do you now treat me like I've never cared?"
But I didn't say that. Maybe I will say that. I think it needs to be said.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
3 years have passed
Today is the 16th of Sept. This time 3 years ago at about 5:30am, I found out that my dad had committed suicide. So today I am left to reflect.
In these 3 years, I have learnt how to grieve. I have learnt to accept and to forgive him for the many wrongs he did to me. For a while, I was unable to call him Dad, it seemed too much of a compliment for someone like him. But now, I do love my Dad even if I never knew him. And the few fond memories I have, I miss.
Whilst packing up things (we're moving in 11 days!) I stumbled across a letter that his girlfriend of the time wrote to our family. It had got lost and no one has actually read it. So I read it. She talked about who he was - he was passionate about dancing and practiced all the time. He was creative and determined. He was a simple man who didn't need much in life.
But then something chilled me. I read that he actually told his g/f that he couldn't handle it anymore and wanted to kill himself. So she tried for the grand total of an hour to convince him not. But obviously an hour was not enough. So she let him go and at 8:13 that night texted and said "sorry babe, I have to do this, love you"
She knew what was gonna happen and just let it happen. It makes me really mad when I think about it because I constantly think "could there have been reconcilliation?" and if you love someone, do you just let them go?
In the times I have wanted to give up, my friends have put in such huge efforts to keep me safe and so I think, they're just my friends and they tried so hard, but she was, in her words his "lover" and why did she give up so quickly? I cannot understand this and it will take some processing.
Gotta go to work now. Interesting day, interesting life.
In these 3 years, I have learnt how to grieve. I have learnt to accept and to forgive him for the many wrongs he did to me. For a while, I was unable to call him Dad, it seemed too much of a compliment for someone like him. But now, I do love my Dad even if I never knew him. And the few fond memories I have, I miss.
Whilst packing up things (we're moving in 11 days!) I stumbled across a letter that his girlfriend of the time wrote to our family. It had got lost and no one has actually read it. So I read it. She talked about who he was - he was passionate about dancing and practiced all the time. He was creative and determined. He was a simple man who didn't need much in life.
But then something chilled me. I read that he actually told his g/f that he couldn't handle it anymore and wanted to kill himself. So she tried for the grand total of an hour to convince him not. But obviously an hour was not enough. So she let him go and at 8:13 that night texted and said "sorry babe, I have to do this, love you"
She knew what was gonna happen and just let it happen. It makes me really mad when I think about it because I constantly think "could there have been reconcilliation?" and if you love someone, do you just let them go?
In the times I have wanted to give up, my friends have put in such huge efforts to keep me safe and so I think, they're just my friends and they tried so hard, but she was, in her words his "lover" and why did she give up so quickly? I cannot understand this and it will take some processing.
Gotta go to work now. Interesting day, interesting life.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
It's over... nearly!
Well people say that term 3 of year 12 is the hardest part. Today I finished term 3! Ok so I still have a week of school, but the exams are over and I am really proud of myself for getting through it. And all but one of my subjects I am pleased with my effort and whilst I don't know the official results, sometimes you just get a gut feeling that you did good. I have that feeling.
But yeah I am so exhausted. I just want to crash but I refuse to sleep because I'm working tonight and I know that if I sleep now I will be sluggish all night. So 9:30pm sounds really really lovely to me! And then I work 9 - 5 tomorrow (it's the last day of exam block and I have it off) so really I look more forward to 5:30 tomorrow arvo!!!
But yeah I am so exhausted. I just want to crash but I refuse to sleep because I'm working tonight and I know that if I sleep now I will be sluggish all night. So 9:30pm sounds really really lovely to me! And then I work 9 - 5 tomorrow (it's the last day of exam block and I have it off) so really I look more forward to 5:30 tomorrow arvo!!!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Moving On
We're moving house in 17 days. It is so exciting coz I haven't ever moved (as in I don't remember moving). We've lived in this house for 12 years now, we moved in 2 days before I started year 1! It seems so long and there are so many memories...
The night I got my puppy Crumpet. I was 7 and it was a Christmas present, but I got her on Christmas eve coz you can't wrap up a dog and pet stores weren't open on Christmas day!
The time mum nearly blew the house up! Yeah, she poured 4 litres of water over an oil fire in the kitchen. I was 9 and thought it was hilarious. My Mum swore (mostly because it was panic that caused the bad decision), my brother who was 5 cried and Crumpet stopped barking for the first time in her life. I stood there with tears coming out laughing. Needless to say, we had a black kitchen.
We got locked out one day and I was a very agile 10 year old. Mum hoisted me up onto the garbage bin and had me climb through a window to let us in! I felt like the hero of the day!
Family sing-a-longs... Bohemian Rapsedy always got us started and then Mum and Scott would ballroom dance (or they tried anyway)
And some sad memories...
Crumpet got put down.
We found out the news that Dad died
Financial difficulties
The list of things that have happened go on and on and I am only being reminded of them now as I pack up my room. I spent 1.5 hrs today doing my room and so far I have thrown out 3 garbage bags of stuff, have 4 waiting to go to salvo's bins and have one box full of stuff (and it is only books and CD's!) I imagine the packing thing will be a painful process!
The night I got my puppy Crumpet. I was 7 and it was a Christmas present, but I got her on Christmas eve coz you can't wrap up a dog and pet stores weren't open on Christmas day!
The time mum nearly blew the house up! Yeah, she poured 4 litres of water over an oil fire in the kitchen. I was 9 and thought it was hilarious. My Mum swore (mostly because it was panic that caused the bad decision), my brother who was 5 cried and Crumpet stopped barking for the first time in her life. I stood there with tears coming out laughing. Needless to say, we had a black kitchen.
We got locked out one day and I was a very agile 10 year old. Mum hoisted me up onto the garbage bin and had me climb through a window to let us in! I felt like the hero of the day!
Family sing-a-longs... Bohemian Rapsedy always got us started and then Mum and Scott would ballroom dance (or they tried anyway)
And some sad memories...
Crumpet got put down.
We found out the news that Dad died
Financial difficulties
The list of things that have happened go on and on and I am only being reminded of them now as I pack up my room. I spent 1.5 hrs today doing my room and so far I have thrown out 3 garbage bags of stuff, have 4 waiting to go to salvo's bins and have one box full of stuff (and it is only books and CD's!) I imagine the packing thing will be a painful process!
Interesting
It's kind of interesting when God speaks to you and tells you that in His eyes, you were much more grown up (spiritually and in maturity) 3 years ago when you became a Christian than what you are now. But I guess I would rather be told at the 3 year mark than say at the 20 year mark (or when I enter the pearly gates) so it's all good. Now it is a matter of remembering who I was and becoming that God person again. Strangely enough though, normally this kind of thing might upset me, but now I'm just like "ok cool, where to now?"
Had a pleasant surprise last night, that the uni course I want is actually an OP 10 and there I was getting all worried just 3 days ago. I should be sweet.
Had a pleasant surprise last night, that the uni course I want is actually an OP 10 and there I was getting all worried just 3 days ago. I should be sweet.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Exams
I just got home from doing my maths and english exams. English was fantastic... I wrote an editorial on how people have become so obsessed with technology that they actually have faith in it, and that in a sense, they worship it. The editorial had to be based off a science fiction novel we read, which for me was Prey by Michael Crichton. So my headline was "PREY or PRAY to Science?"
So I talked about how people literally live, breathe and eat science, and how they will entrust their lives in science, they depend on science... and whilst it has many benefits, it is not a solid thing to ground your hope and faith in, afterall, it is developed by people, who are imperfect and therefore, science can and does fail.
Maths exam sucked. No comment.
I have a biology exam on Wednesday and a legal oral on Wednesday then it's all over for... 8 weeks before the next lot of exams. Yay. But then I will be finished.
So I talked about how people literally live, breathe and eat science, and how they will entrust their lives in science, they depend on science... and whilst it has many benefits, it is not a solid thing to ground your hope and faith in, afterall, it is developed by people, who are imperfect and therefore, science can and does fail.
Maths exam sucked. No comment.
I have a biology exam on Wednesday and a legal oral on Wednesday then it's all over for... 8 weeks before the next lot of exams. Yay. But then I will be finished.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Random Ramblings
So life has taken some crazy swerves lately.
I gave up on people and took up on God and so far, that's going really well for me. I have had 5 good days in a row, and when i say "good days" I mean that yeah, stuff has happened that's been crap and all, but I've coped reasonably well and life has gone on nicely.
Today the sermon at church was about finding refuge in God. And so I thought how very appropriate considering I am not always too good at that, even though I definately need it, especially at a time like now.
I have 4 exams left for this term, then I have 8 weeks of school/holiday then I have more exams, but these are the last of grade 12... my last ever school exams! And that just so doesn't feel right to say. I mean I, Cassandra Ayres, am nearly finished school forever... it's just nuts. Not long ago, it felt like I would never finish school and now, I'm nearly finished school. I just can't quite fathom it yet! Anyways, no complaints there.
At first I was a bit indifferent about the idea of uni, but now I am kind of looking forward to it. Of course, once I start and receive my first assignment it will suck, but hey that's alright at least I will start with a good attitude!
So I know this blog is totally random and somewhat lame, but I am in fact procrastinating (hey give me a break, I've just done 2.5 hrs solid maths study and that is very painful). I decided the other day that sexual temptation is the worst... why? Because it lies dormant all your life until the wrong moment. I mean we all get tempted to lie, or to over-indulge in something or to do whatever so it's no big deal... but people who have a dormant sexual temptation don't really understand how hard it is, so they can think they're very good christians for not falling in that dept., however it is not until you start to fall in love with a certain somebody or taste the temptation that it begins to awaken and so then the good christian who thought they were so strong and wonderful is falling into the temptation so quickly, and the worst part about it is that they don't even notice it coz it feels right and good...
Not that I would know about that. I had a conversation about this with a friend not so long ago and they were like "nah, that doesn't happen... you're either corrupt like me and you muck around, or you're sweet and innocent like you and you don't stuff up" and then I laughed. But people won't get it until they go there and find out for themselves that even keeping things to first base can prove quite difficult.
That was totally random but thought I should share.
I gave up on people and took up on God and so far, that's going really well for me. I have had 5 good days in a row, and when i say "good days" I mean that yeah, stuff has happened that's been crap and all, but I've coped reasonably well and life has gone on nicely.
Today the sermon at church was about finding refuge in God. And so I thought how very appropriate considering I am not always too good at that, even though I definately need it, especially at a time like now.
I have 4 exams left for this term, then I have 8 weeks of school/holiday then I have more exams, but these are the last of grade 12... my last ever school exams! And that just so doesn't feel right to say. I mean I, Cassandra Ayres, am nearly finished school forever... it's just nuts. Not long ago, it felt like I would never finish school and now, I'm nearly finished school. I just can't quite fathom it yet! Anyways, no complaints there.
At first I was a bit indifferent about the idea of uni, but now I am kind of looking forward to it. Of course, once I start and receive my first assignment it will suck, but hey that's alright at least I will start with a good attitude!
So I know this blog is totally random and somewhat lame, but I am in fact procrastinating (hey give me a break, I've just done 2.5 hrs solid maths study and that is very painful). I decided the other day that sexual temptation is the worst... why? Because it lies dormant all your life until the wrong moment. I mean we all get tempted to lie, or to over-indulge in something or to do whatever so it's no big deal... but people who have a dormant sexual temptation don't really understand how hard it is, so they can think they're very good christians for not falling in that dept., however it is not until you start to fall in love with a certain somebody or taste the temptation that it begins to awaken and so then the good christian who thought they were so strong and wonderful is falling into the temptation so quickly, and the worst part about it is that they don't even notice it coz it feels right and good...
Not that I would know about that. I had a conversation about this with a friend not so long ago and they were like "nah, that doesn't happen... you're either corrupt like me and you muck around, or you're sweet and innocent like you and you don't stuff up" and then I laughed. But people won't get it until they go there and find out for themselves that even keeping things to first base can prove quite difficult.
That was totally random but thought I should share.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
People and Losing Faith
Discovered something... people are unreliable. Like really really unreliable even with important things. Well, things that I value and see as important but perhaps they don't... And when you ask people for help, they don't seem to know what to do, so they re-direct you to someone who does know, but then that someone doesn't, so they re-direct you to someone else. Before you know it, you've been re-directed so many times that it actually goes in circles and frustrates you so badly and then you want to throw your arms up and down and throw a tantrum.
So stuff people, I am tired of being let down by friends (which is to say, they forget, fail to see value in what I am asking or they just can't do anything, all of which are usually unintentional) and yeah. I have completely lost faith in everyone and I need to only rely on God which is especially hard because I have recently lost faith in Him and also, the people I have lost faith in are actually people who follow Him. I don't really know where that leaves me...
So stuff people, I am tired of being let down by friends (which is to say, they forget, fail to see value in what I am asking or they just can't do anything, all of which are usually unintentional) and yeah. I have completely lost faith in everyone and I need to only rely on God which is especially hard because I have recently lost faith in Him and also, the people I have lost faith in are actually people who follow Him. I don't really know where that leaves me...
Monday, August 28, 2006
Analogies
I love my analogies, but I haven't told any in a while.
Here is two...
Right now my life is like a game of tug 0f war, and I am the red ribbon in the middle. There are two sides pulling and I flicker over the line but neither side wins. I am waiting passively for Jesus to win but in doing that, it gives satan a chance at winning also, because as long as I let myself be that red ribbon, I am controlled by circumstances.
And another...
You're driving along one day and a rock hits your windsreen. It could have been a direct throw, or it could have been an accident, you don't necessarily know, but now you've got a small crack, but it isn't too bad. So you keep driving. You think "I'll get that fixed" but months or years pass and you don't bother. It doesn't appear to be getting any worse, but what you don't realise is that the elements (or life circumstances) are actually weathering it, causing it to become deeper. One day, things are going along fine and the crack is ok. But once again, another rock hits the windscreen, and in that same unattended spot. The rock may not have been that big, but to an already damaged area, it is devastating damage. The whole windscreen shatters and now you're stranded, with no one to help you, you're damaged in a huge way that could take forever to repair and at a great cost and you're also in shock. It is the same as when people make comments about us or when we have fights with people... that crack might not seem so bad now, but what will life do to it? Is it getting worse and we don't know it? Is it going to shatter before us?
So that's just a few thoughts.
Here is two...
Right now my life is like a game of tug 0f war, and I am the red ribbon in the middle. There are two sides pulling and I flicker over the line but neither side wins. I am waiting passively for Jesus to win but in doing that, it gives satan a chance at winning also, because as long as I let myself be that red ribbon, I am controlled by circumstances.
And another...
You're driving along one day and a rock hits your windsreen. It could have been a direct throw, or it could have been an accident, you don't necessarily know, but now you've got a small crack, but it isn't too bad. So you keep driving. You think "I'll get that fixed" but months or years pass and you don't bother. It doesn't appear to be getting any worse, but what you don't realise is that the elements (or life circumstances) are actually weathering it, causing it to become deeper. One day, things are going along fine and the crack is ok. But once again, another rock hits the windscreen, and in that same unattended spot. The rock may not have been that big, but to an already damaged area, it is devastating damage. The whole windscreen shatters and now you're stranded, with no one to help you, you're damaged in a huge way that could take forever to repair and at a great cost and you're also in shock. It is the same as when people make comments about us or when we have fights with people... that crack might not seem so bad now, but what will life do to it? Is it getting worse and we don't know it? Is it going to shatter before us?
So that's just a few thoughts.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Sick
Well everyone says "oh don't be so sluggish... you're not really tired" and the last few days everyone at school has been having a go at me for sleeping in class and not concentrating. This morning I left school at 9:30 coz I was dizzy and tired and not able to swallow properly. So I went to the doctor and I either have glandjula fever or tonsilitus but most likely the later and so now I'm on antibiotics but they are giving me hives. But it's lovely to be able to actually breathe and swallow things now without crying. And for all those people going all crazy about me sleeping, well something was actually wrong.
I'm going to bed.
I'm going to bed.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Skating
This is my 100th blog since February. Not bad I think.
I went to watch Bec from SAGAlA skate in her national iceskating comp. She did really really well. At this stage, she's coming 5th/22 and has another skate tomorrow to determine her place. I'm so proud of her, but sitting there freezing, I'm feeling so nervous just watching... and then when the skaters trip it's like you feel their pain...
But I always find it amazing what the human body can achieve, the way it can be manipulated. It's really cool.
Antony + Me = 16months today.
I went to watch Bec from SAGAlA skate in her national iceskating comp. She did really really well. At this stage, she's coming 5th/22 and has another skate tomorrow to determine her place. I'm so proud of her, but sitting there freezing, I'm feeling so nervous just watching... and then when the skaters trip it's like you feel their pain...
But I always find it amazing what the human body can achieve, the way it can be manipulated. It's really cool.
Antony + Me = 16months today.
And then...
I have officially concluded that days go too fast. I used to blog every day pretty much without fail, and now I still think I am blogging that frequently, but I get on and then feel surprised when it's actually been about 3 or 4 days since I wrote last. Not that it matters but yeah, it's still odd.
I just finished another assignment (yay). Now I have one more of the current lot to finish and I'm well on track for that one.
It's pretty cruel though... you think you're nearly done with the whole late nights doing assignments, studying, going to exams thing and then you put in your QTAC application... and so it all begins again.
I've decided to go to uni... why? Because I thought I wanted to go o/s, I thought God wanted that... maybe He does, but not right now. Now that I think about it all, it was more about me getting away and trying to affirm myself by doing something cool that other people weren't doing. And it was running away from the reality that now I have to start thinking about my life and my future and how I will put food on the table and live. And quite bluntly, I need to grow up before I will be any good to anyone and before I go galavanting around the world. Not so long ago, my life felt so directed and I was so sure and now I have no idea really and I keep trying to entertain my whims and escapades... but God doesn't need a self-directed soldier who is unwilling to be trained, He needs a soldier that can trust Him, take commands and be prepared to learn and to live, even through impatience.
So QTAC applications open today. I'm going to study psychology hopefully and yeah, see where that takes me... 6 years here I come. *Shudders* that's half my education all over again. *shudders again*
I just finished another assignment (yay). Now I have one more of the current lot to finish and I'm well on track for that one.
It's pretty cruel though... you think you're nearly done with the whole late nights doing assignments, studying, going to exams thing and then you put in your QTAC application... and so it all begins again.
I've decided to go to uni... why? Because I thought I wanted to go o/s, I thought God wanted that... maybe He does, but not right now. Now that I think about it all, it was more about me getting away and trying to affirm myself by doing something cool that other people weren't doing. And it was running away from the reality that now I have to start thinking about my life and my future and how I will put food on the table and live. And quite bluntly, I need to grow up before I will be any good to anyone and before I go galavanting around the world. Not so long ago, my life felt so directed and I was so sure and now I have no idea really and I keep trying to entertain my whims and escapades... but God doesn't need a self-directed soldier who is unwilling to be trained, He needs a soldier that can trust Him, take commands and be prepared to learn and to live, even through impatience.
So QTAC applications open today. I'm going to study psychology hopefully and yeah, see where that takes me... 6 years here I come. *Shudders* that's half my education all over again. *shudders again*
Friday, August 18, 2006
Ask for directions
I'm noticing a common theme lately... that I have very poor navigational skills. I am assured this is the plight of many new drivers. In the last week, I went to Nudgee beach with my doggie and on the way home, got lost and nearly ended up at Redcliffe.
On Sunday, went to Redhill and on the way home, got minorly lost, but still lost
Then my favourite one... I had a bit of an emergency call out to pick up my brother from the city on Tuesday night... haha interesting thing, I've had my licence about 6 weeks now, never driven in the city and I was so tired as I had barely slept all week. Took me about an hr to find the transit centre, then ended up half way to Pinkenba on the way home.
So I bought a refidex because this lostness thing doesn't work well for me. And evidently my sense of direction sucks.
On Sunday, went to Redhill and on the way home, got minorly lost, but still lost
Then my favourite one... I had a bit of an emergency call out to pick up my brother from the city on Tuesday night... haha interesting thing, I've had my licence about 6 weeks now, never driven in the city and I was so tired as I had barely slept all week. Took me about an hr to find the transit centre, then ended up half way to Pinkenba on the way home.
So I bought a refidex because this lostness thing doesn't work well for me. And evidently my sense of direction sucks.
Contradiction
My views about assignments is kind of contradicting. See, on one hand I like them because you get time, and you know what the criteria and expectation is, on the other hand, I don't like them because they still have to be done, and rather than having a scheduled time (like an exam) you have to make the effort yourself.
And then, having them due is good in the sense that you get rid of them, but then it's bad because there is the pressure to get them completed to a standard that you like.
I started this term with 4 assignments, tomorrow I hand in number 2 of these, Monday is another one, and then the 31st in the final one. But by that stage, I will have received another 3! And then we have QCS and straight after that is exam block and this exam block is important and that's a little scary.
And then, having them due is good in the sense that you get rid of them, but then it's bad because there is the pressure to get them completed to a standard that you like.
I started this term with 4 assignments, tomorrow I hand in number 2 of these, Monday is another one, and then the 31st in the final one. But by that stage, I will have received another 3! And then we have QCS and straight after that is exam block and this exam block is important and that's a little scary.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Tactful Advice
Don't you just love the way people think they know what is best for you? And how we immediately look for the negatives in situations and people? Today was interesting.
It commenced with an unlicenced driver sitting in my passenger seat telling me how to drive, even though everything I was doing was legal and fine, this person seems to be convinced they know how to drive. Uhuh. Although I'm not mad about this, it's more of a "hmm, can I try to make you a better driver from my observations" but I still see the comical value in it.
Then, at the moment, I am getting so many lectures from people about my efforts at school and how they think I should go to tutorials after school and bla bla bla. But these people who are saying this don't have commitments such as work, and domestic duties that simply become demanding. So I get frustrated and think seriously, when did it become your business? And why do you care if I seem tired now? Where was this "concerned nature" 12 months ago when I really truly needed it?
But it isn't finished. So far, I've spent my whole day being slammed for this and that and bla bla bla, then I receive 2 lectures about getting my auto licence and not manual. I'm like, how does it affect you? I've weighed up auto and manual and chose auto for what I think are very legitimate reasons, such as enjoying the freedom and ease of driving an auto, the fact that everyone I know has auto, that I am a total unco... and they claim you don't have control in an auto and I think "hmm, obviously you just can't drive an auto" because you can control it and it does have gears that can be used when needed... so I think seriously, I have a mode of transport, so get over it! Amazes me how it is their business.
Oh, and the same people who tell me I don't work hard enough with school tell me I should take a day off when I dislocate my knee, which happens so often. Twice this week in fact. So go figure that.
And generally speaking, it's like this big onslaught of attacks and nosiness all round. People seem to think they know everything about everyone, but if you look closely at their life, they have their problems too. Also, everybody gets "offended" by everyone. I so hate that word "offended" because it gives us a right to be mad at people for not always good reasons and makes us feel oh so righteous, when really, only Jesus is, and I don't think he ever said "wow, I feel so "offended" by your comment that I decided to take out of context"
Genuine concern for a person is fine, and good even. But I think we ought to look at our own actions before making sweeping statements about each other, and maybe we need to be more tactful in our approach. Blatant attacks and debates close people off and make them defensive, so why do it?
It commenced with an unlicenced driver sitting in my passenger seat telling me how to drive, even though everything I was doing was legal and fine, this person seems to be convinced they know how to drive. Uhuh. Although I'm not mad about this, it's more of a "hmm, can I try to make you a better driver from my observations" but I still see the comical value in it.
Then, at the moment, I am getting so many lectures from people about my efforts at school and how they think I should go to tutorials after school and bla bla bla. But these people who are saying this don't have commitments such as work, and domestic duties that simply become demanding. So I get frustrated and think seriously, when did it become your business? And why do you care if I seem tired now? Where was this "concerned nature" 12 months ago when I really truly needed it?
But it isn't finished. So far, I've spent my whole day being slammed for this and that and bla bla bla, then I receive 2 lectures about getting my auto licence and not manual. I'm like, how does it affect you? I've weighed up auto and manual and chose auto for what I think are very legitimate reasons, such as enjoying the freedom and ease of driving an auto, the fact that everyone I know has auto, that I am a total unco... and they claim you don't have control in an auto and I think "hmm, obviously you just can't drive an auto" because you can control it and it does have gears that can be used when needed... so I think seriously, I have a mode of transport, so get over it! Amazes me how it is their business.
Oh, and the same people who tell me I don't work hard enough with school tell me I should take a day off when I dislocate my knee, which happens so often. Twice this week in fact. So go figure that.
And generally speaking, it's like this big onslaught of attacks and nosiness all round. People seem to think they know everything about everyone, but if you look closely at their life, they have their problems too. Also, everybody gets "offended" by everyone. I so hate that word "offended" because it gives us a right to be mad at people for not always good reasons and makes us feel oh so righteous, when really, only Jesus is, and I don't think he ever said "wow, I feel so "offended" by your comment that I decided to take out of context"
Genuine concern for a person is fine, and good even. But I think we ought to look at our own actions before making sweeping statements about each other, and maybe we need to be more tactful in our approach. Blatant attacks and debates close people off and make them defensive, so why do it?
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Time is Warped
People talk about the idea of time flying, which is quite funny because it can't fly, but I certainly am realising how it seems to go so much faster than it used to...
I'm doing QCS in hmm, 3 weeks and I was thinking today about how last year, I walked to the bus stop with my friend on QCS day and we were talking about how it was only a year away before that was us... and now here we are... very scary! It seriously does not feel like August, or maybe it does. My body tells me it is August, and my motivation says it's more like November... but yeah, it's crazy crazy.
Today, I took my beach to the dog... wow, I just noticed that after I typed it and decided to leave it there because that's funny. I took my DOG to the BEACH and had a reminiscent moment. I went to Macca's near the M1 and was like "wow, I've been here before" and realised I went there with Bec (which feels so strange to say coz I think you're the only one who reads this Bec) but anyway, do you remember your organised beach day that no one came to except me? No real point in saying all that, other than the fact that seems like sooo long ago. See, proof, time is warped.
I'm doing QCS in hmm, 3 weeks and I was thinking today about how last year, I walked to the bus stop with my friend on QCS day and we were talking about how it was only a year away before that was us... and now here we are... very scary! It seriously does not feel like August, or maybe it does. My body tells me it is August, and my motivation says it's more like November... but yeah, it's crazy crazy.
Today, I took my beach to the dog... wow, I just noticed that after I typed it and decided to leave it there because that's funny. I took my DOG to the BEACH and had a reminiscent moment. I went to Macca's near the M1 and was like "wow, I've been here before" and realised I went there with Bec (which feels so strange to say coz I think you're the only one who reads this Bec) but anyway, do you remember your organised beach day that no one came to except me? No real point in saying all that, other than the fact that seems like sooo long ago. See, proof, time is warped.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The Circumstances
About a week or two ago, I was watching this DVD of Donna Crouch - one of the Hillsong pastors, and she was talking about healing. She used the example of a melanoma she had removed. It was a pretty huge one and took many months to heal, but she got one of the best specialists in Sydney to do it, and afterwards, was completely healed and there was virtually no scarring despite the fact it was large. So she referred to that, and how she didn't go to a backyard butcher to fix it, she went to the best person to heal her. She talked about having an illness/disease/problem, but not letting it own you... I found this interesting...
I have my fair share of physical/mental problems, and truth is, these have only really in the last 2 years come out in their fullest and I am learning the implications of these upon my life. So I am not good at dealing with set backs...
Examples - I've done about 4 months of physiotherapy on my horrible knees. Every week, twice a week for 4 months I've marched myself up to the hospital to be poked and prodded at and then spent a few more hours a week doing strengthening exercises, all in the hope of peace of mind that I won't suffer from dislocations anymore. On Friday, I went to see a surgeon (as this was an option) who told me he didn't want to do anything without at least another 4 months of physio, and even then, probably not until I am 25. In some respects, I undersand where he is coming from, because my bones won't finish growing until I am 25, but the thought of having this problem for another 8 years is really hard, and it makes me worry about osteoporosis, as up until the age of 25, you should do an hr of weight bearing exercise a week, and the reality is that I simply can't do that... so today I dislocated my knee and now I feel really depressed about it. I feel like I've wasted my time, like I'm not improving... I didn't need 4 months of hard work to just dislocate it again, or be told that I can't play sport... So how do I have control of this, rather than it having control over me? Physically, nothing, mentally, not become apprehensive and get a defeatist attitude... gotta work on that...
With the whole depression in general thing. I hate to say aloud "I am depressed" because it feels like I've lost, like I am crazy, like I am one of those "pathetic" people. I remember once seeing a sufferer of depression on tv and thinking "gosh, just get over it" and now I see those people and think "gosh, I know exactly where you're at, doesn't it suck?" I am learning that maybe this thing never goes away, but how do I own it, not it own me? Especially when it turns into a hormonal problem, and not just my thoughts. I am developing the skills to deal with my negative attitudes, but still, how do I deal with the sleeplessness that comes, and the fatigue that follows? The unmotivated attitude? The willingness to give up on life? The diminished pleasure in everything? Poor confidence...
That's what I am learning. How to deal when circumstances simply suck. It's a pickle and a half.
I have my fair share of physical/mental problems, and truth is, these have only really in the last 2 years come out in their fullest and I am learning the implications of these upon my life. So I am not good at dealing with set backs...
Examples - I've done about 4 months of physiotherapy on my horrible knees. Every week, twice a week for 4 months I've marched myself up to the hospital to be poked and prodded at and then spent a few more hours a week doing strengthening exercises, all in the hope of peace of mind that I won't suffer from dislocations anymore. On Friday, I went to see a surgeon (as this was an option) who told me he didn't want to do anything without at least another 4 months of physio, and even then, probably not until I am 25. In some respects, I undersand where he is coming from, because my bones won't finish growing until I am 25, but the thought of having this problem for another 8 years is really hard, and it makes me worry about osteoporosis, as up until the age of 25, you should do an hr of weight bearing exercise a week, and the reality is that I simply can't do that... so today I dislocated my knee and now I feel really depressed about it. I feel like I've wasted my time, like I'm not improving... I didn't need 4 months of hard work to just dislocate it again, or be told that I can't play sport... So how do I have control of this, rather than it having control over me? Physically, nothing, mentally, not become apprehensive and get a defeatist attitude... gotta work on that...
With the whole depression in general thing. I hate to say aloud "I am depressed" because it feels like I've lost, like I am crazy, like I am one of those "pathetic" people. I remember once seeing a sufferer of depression on tv and thinking "gosh, just get over it" and now I see those people and think "gosh, I know exactly where you're at, doesn't it suck?" I am learning that maybe this thing never goes away, but how do I own it, not it own me? Especially when it turns into a hormonal problem, and not just my thoughts. I am developing the skills to deal with my negative attitudes, but still, how do I deal with the sleeplessness that comes, and the fatigue that follows? The unmotivated attitude? The willingness to give up on life? The diminished pleasure in everything? Poor confidence...
That's what I am learning. How to deal when circumstances simply suck. It's a pickle and a half.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Plug For Stafford
Do you know what I love about my church? That people do care. Sometimes they aren't so good at showing it, and of course there are always a few who have had bad attitudes to the church, but most try. Like for example, when my car was having problems on Friday night, heaps of people helped, whether it was to do with the car or calming me down, or organising me to see other salvo mechanics (lol salvo discount) they all pitched in and didn't leave me stranded. Today, someone from church gave me some stuff she'd looked up especially for me to see a doctor who will be good at looking after me and people just get excited about each other's lives. It's really great. And this might all sound a bit self-centred, but it's not, because that is what church is about... looking after each other with the guidance of God.
I went through a big phase of wanting to leave my church, and the last few weeks I have felt really uncomfortable for me to be there (because of my own issues) but today it all just clicked. Our church does this thing now where one person comes out the front (a pre chosen person) and the congregation just offer encouragement and it is really lovely. I love my church, I love the people, I love the way we are young and are still learning to walk, but that we're heading in the right direction and we're getting there. It's all about vision. And I love the mix, the way we have drug and alcohol addicts (or past addicts) come to our service, we have homeless kids who call Monday night cricket church, we have wealthy people and students, young, old... it's great the mix. But we shouldn't get cocky, lots of things need work. Yeah, plug for Stafford!
I went through a big phase of wanting to leave my church, and the last few weeks I have felt really uncomfortable for me to be there (because of my own issues) but today it all just clicked. Our church does this thing now where one person comes out the front (a pre chosen person) and the congregation just offer encouragement and it is really lovely. I love my church, I love the people, I love the way we are young and are still learning to walk, but that we're heading in the right direction and we're getting there. It's all about vision. And I love the mix, the way we have drug and alcohol addicts (or past addicts) come to our service, we have homeless kids who call Monday night cricket church, we have wealthy people and students, young, old... it's great the mix. But we shouldn't get cocky, lots of things need work. Yeah, plug for Stafford!
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Drama's of a Drama Queen
This is absolutely nuts...
Since last Sunday, I have looked at, liked and agreed to buy a car, been to the bank twice (and that is a story in itself), spent 25minutes on the phone to organise insurance, whilst being at work, got an RACQ membership, transferred a registration (now we're up to Thursday) been sent on a few hours worth of errands for the family, hit a dodgy kerb on the way out of a friends driveway, got stuck in a park at the hospital (for my knee) because it was next to a big fat concrete pole and the other person took up some of my park... then Friday, arrive at SAGALA to notice a big trail of fluid coming from my car and steam coming out of the bonnet. Freak out! Find people who own cars, be advised to call RACQ (I've had the membership for the total of 1 day now... the beginning of a long lasting relationship) then I'm told that my fan isn't coming on, causing overheating. Get scared and want to cry, although don't because I have a fantastic boyfriend who is assuring that everything will be fine and a great friend, Susanne who is doing an awesome job of not letting me get overwhelmed and make bad decisions. For example, I told the guy I bought the car off about the problem and he said he'd fix it for me, but Susanne says "It's your call, but I think you shouldn't trust a backyard job, and if you make any decisions tonight I will hit you" (said with a smile but fair amount of sincerity) then in my stress out (heaps of people are there because Energex is on so everyone is crowding around my little Cesil) it starts raining and I am in no position to be figuring out how to reverse out of a park so Susanne does this for me (I don't do parks... well I didn't but I'm getting to that bit). All of a sudden, the car just starts working again, no problems at all... So I go home and all is fine... then the really scary bit...
Mum says to me "you left your handbreak off last night" I look out window and car is roled down driveway. No way did I leave it off I always put it on first before I park.... ALWAYS. So I accept that I may have and go downstairs to move it (it's not quite on the road, nearly) and I see the window is open, all doors unlocked. No way, I may have left the handbreak off but I didn't forget to lock the doors! Yeah, and then the car doesn't start because the box over the ignition is not there anymore and everything has been rewired. I cry, go get mum, she confirms an attempted theft! I'm like, no way this sucks. As if last night wasn't stressful enough and I'm supposed to be at work in half an hour. So I call the police, but because my dear friends from church last night mooned the car, and crawled all over it and in it as I tried to leave (which was incredibly immature, dangerous and annoying) they couldn't finger print it. Luckily enough, the people who did it were ammatuers and didn't realise they were literally a minute away from getting it. All they had to do was snap the steering wheel lock and it was gone. I count myself very lucky that didn't happen, and they didn't do any damage other than the ignition stuff, which is easily fixed. Cevine did that today it costs lots to do... the parts, plus a club lock for the wheel is costing about 200. It just feels like such an invasion of privacy and I'm really scared to be leaving out there alone! But I learnt to reverse park into the yard today, so I put it in a strange place that people will have difficulty getting it out of... ok so I have to get it out, and it's annoying, but hey you gotta do that sometimes!
And all this in a week!
Since last Sunday, I have looked at, liked and agreed to buy a car, been to the bank twice (and that is a story in itself), spent 25minutes on the phone to organise insurance, whilst being at work, got an RACQ membership, transferred a registration (now we're up to Thursday) been sent on a few hours worth of errands for the family, hit a dodgy kerb on the way out of a friends driveway, got stuck in a park at the hospital (for my knee) because it was next to a big fat concrete pole and the other person took up some of my park... then Friday, arrive at SAGALA to notice a big trail of fluid coming from my car and steam coming out of the bonnet. Freak out! Find people who own cars, be advised to call RACQ (I've had the membership for the total of 1 day now... the beginning of a long lasting relationship) then I'm told that my fan isn't coming on, causing overheating. Get scared and want to cry, although don't because I have a fantastic boyfriend who is assuring that everything will be fine and a great friend, Susanne who is doing an awesome job of not letting me get overwhelmed and make bad decisions. For example, I told the guy I bought the car off about the problem and he said he'd fix it for me, but Susanne says "It's your call, but I think you shouldn't trust a backyard job, and if you make any decisions tonight I will hit you" (said with a smile but fair amount of sincerity) then in my stress out (heaps of people are there because Energex is on so everyone is crowding around my little Cesil) it starts raining and I am in no position to be figuring out how to reverse out of a park so Susanne does this for me (I don't do parks... well I didn't but I'm getting to that bit). All of a sudden, the car just starts working again, no problems at all... So I go home and all is fine... then the really scary bit...
Mum says to me "you left your handbreak off last night" I look out window and car is roled down driveway. No way did I leave it off I always put it on first before I park.... ALWAYS. So I accept that I may have and go downstairs to move it (it's not quite on the road, nearly) and I see the window is open, all doors unlocked. No way, I may have left the handbreak off but I didn't forget to lock the doors! Yeah, and then the car doesn't start because the box over the ignition is not there anymore and everything has been rewired. I cry, go get mum, she confirms an attempted theft! I'm like, no way this sucks. As if last night wasn't stressful enough and I'm supposed to be at work in half an hour. So I call the police, but because my dear friends from church last night mooned the car, and crawled all over it and in it as I tried to leave (which was incredibly immature, dangerous and annoying) they couldn't finger print it. Luckily enough, the people who did it were ammatuers and didn't realise they were literally a minute away from getting it. All they had to do was snap the steering wheel lock and it was gone. I count myself very lucky that didn't happen, and they didn't do any damage other than the ignition stuff, which is easily fixed. Cevine did that today it costs lots to do... the parts, plus a club lock for the wheel is costing about 200. It just feels like such an invasion of privacy and I'm really scared to be leaving out there alone! But I learnt to reverse park into the yard today, so I put it in a strange place that people will have difficulty getting it out of... ok so I have to get it out, and it's annoying, but hey you gotta do that sometimes!
And all this in a week!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Wisdom
I have recently started to journal again. I find that if I don't journal, or talk about whatever I have read in the Bible, I retain very little and learn very little. But it is amazing how many different things God can teach me when I write from just one verse. Last night, I planned to read Matt 8, coz at QPAS we started journalling one chapter of Matt a day, so I thought I would continue with that. But instead, I flicked open my Bible and it went straight to Proverbs 19:20 "Listen to advice and accept instruction and you will become wise" and then God started to speak to me.
I realised that I am coming to a point in my life of "growing up" as in, I am about to finish school, I can drive, I am working more now, therefore have more money... I am not officially an adult for another year, but as I get closer to finishing school, I am realising that many of the responsibilities of being an adult are coming in my direction very quickly! Especially since next year I intend to work fulltime to fund Canada... which is another thing kids don't do... So this verse spoke multitudes to me. I know that I can develop arrogance and the know-it-all syndrome quite easily, and think that I have it all clued, but truth is, I am still really young, and a lot can be learned from the older and wiser. My focus was on the driving thing, just because I have a licence doesn't mean I can drive, and I need to LISTEN to what others say. So that's just it... listen and accept to become wise in the things that begin to shape my "adult life" ...
I realised that I am coming to a point in my life of "growing up" as in, I am about to finish school, I can drive, I am working more now, therefore have more money... I am not officially an adult for another year, but as I get closer to finishing school, I am realising that many of the responsibilities of being an adult are coming in my direction very quickly! Especially since next year I intend to work fulltime to fund Canada... which is another thing kids don't do... So this verse spoke multitudes to me. I know that I can develop arrogance and the know-it-all syndrome quite easily, and think that I have it all clued, but truth is, I am still really young, and a lot can be learned from the older and wiser. My focus was on the driving thing, just because I have a licence doesn't mean I can drive, and I need to LISTEN to what others say. So that's just it... listen and accept to become wise in the things that begin to shape my "adult life" ...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Ode to Cesil
I got my car, and I drove it on my own with no other driver in the car. It actually didn't feel much different, the only difference was that I felt more aware of what I was doing, like observing traffic so strangely enough I felt safer. Yay, I have a car.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Cesil
I'm getting Cesil tomorrow. It was meant to be today, but banks are difficult to contend with. Very frustrating but anyway, it's all good. Ahh, I can't wait until I get Cesil lol.
Opportunities
It's great the way God gives us opportunities to minister to people. Last night I was working with a girl who is my age and over the last few shifts she has started to open up a little bit. Anyway, last night she started asking me questions about Christianity and then was asking for some relationship advice considering she has just broken up with her boyfriend of 1 year. It was kinda cool because I haven't had opportunities to share with people like that in awhile, and it felt very right. So I don't know if she's taken on anything of what I said, but that's up to God to work out...
And the guy who I am buying the car off, when he came to show me it, we somehow ended up completely sidetracked from the car, and instead we talked about God for ages. And he thought it was amazing that I was going to church even though my family don't and then he wanted to know all about the salvo's and my testimony, then he's talking about coming to church one week, or going to uni church which his friend runs at QUT. Oh, and for the record, he said I was bright and switched on... LOL take that people's who think I am a little ditzy!!!
I hope I can pick up my car today... grr, banks are so annoying because apparently you can't transfer from bank to bank and then you can only take out a limited amount per day and ARGGGH everyone is at work all the time and there is no time and that annoys me! Anyway, I am trying to think of a name for my car, I'm currently thinking Cesil (it's tradition to have strange names, Susanne's is Kwang, Emma's is Sevvy). Any suggestions?
And the guy who I am buying the car off, when he came to show me it, we somehow ended up completely sidetracked from the car, and instead we talked about God for ages. And he thought it was amazing that I was going to church even though my family don't and then he wanted to know all about the salvo's and my testimony, then he's talking about coming to church one week, or going to uni church which his friend runs at QUT. Oh, and for the record, he said I was bright and switched on... LOL take that people's who think I am a little ditzy!!!
I hope I can pick up my car today... grr, banks are so annoying because apparently you can't transfer from bank to bank and then you can only take out a limited amount per day and ARGGGH everyone is at work all the time and there is no time and that annoys me! Anyway, I am trying to think of a name for my car, I'm currently thinking Cesil (it's tradition to have strange names, Susanne's is Kwang, Emma's is Sevvy). Any suggestions?
Sunday, July 30, 2006
I have a car
Well I just bought a car. Not quite, I paid a deposit, but I am transferring money over and should have it by Wednesday. How cool is that? I have a licence and a car and that is really really scary now that I think about it!
It's a green hyundai excel and it's pretty and has 4 doors and 4 (new) tyres so that's good too. I'm happy. No more lifts!
So now I have to think of a name for it, and I have to get insurance and stamp duty and rego but that's ok coz I, Cassandra Ayres, have a mode of transport other than bumming lifts off everyone. This is exciting.
It's a green hyundai excel and it's pretty and has 4 doors and 4 (new) tyres so that's good too. I'm happy. No more lifts!
So now I have to think of a name for it, and I have to get insurance and stamp duty and rego but that's ok coz I, Cassandra Ayres, have a mode of transport other than bumming lifts off everyone. This is exciting.
3 years
Our church had it's 3rd birthday this week. For the first time since we opened, we didn't do the big celebrating thing, which I think I kinda prefered. It was like, yeah, we're a church, we're young, but we've grown, we don't need to announce our presence because people know where we are and telling people about our church is something that we should do every day of the year, not just our birthday. So that's just my interpretation of things anyway.
But with the 3rd year thing, it reminds me that I've now enrolled as a soldier for 2 years. So that's kinda cool. It made me think of committments and it made me reflect on 2 years. I don't think I can say at all that I've even come close to fulfilling that covenant, and sometimes I don't think I necessarily care much about it. That sucks, but then I know that I am just one of many who might say that.
So now I reflect and go, ok, let's make this year a little better. And that's what I will do. Or try!
But with the 3rd year thing, it reminds me that I've now enrolled as a soldier for 2 years. So that's kinda cool. It made me think of committments and it made me reflect on 2 years. I don't think I can say at all that I've even come close to fulfilling that covenant, and sometimes I don't think I necessarily care much about it. That sucks, but then I know that I am just one of many who might say that.
So now I reflect and go, ok, let's make this year a little better. And that's what I will do. Or try!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Feel Sick
Wow, I feel really off today! I got up about an hour late for school today and was consequently very late but I didn't care coz all I wanted was to go back to bed! So I got a juice to try and wake myself up and it worked temporarily but then I got really yukky. I've been feeling a bit sensitive (sick) for the last week but now I'm just sitting here and my eyes are doing crazy things like being blurry and my head is spinning my stomach is churning like crazy and I've been falling asleep all day. You know that feeling of knowing if you throw up you just won't stop? I think I should go to bed! But so much homework... choices choices.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Empowered through the WORD
I feel so empowered today... why? Because today I feel just a bit stronger than usual. So I've identified those things that push me off the edge and now I'm telling satan that he can just take those and shove them. None of this polite "please, satan, I request that you leave me alone for the time being, as my emotional, mental and physical health is deteriorating rapidly because of your often inconsiderate actions, thank you" no way, whatever out contestant throws, we have to shove it back 3 times harder and not even look tired afterwards.
So what did Jesus do when He was tempted? Matthew 4, He uses scripture. People say knowledge is power, so how do you become powerful? You get knowledge and what is the best source of knowledge? God's word. I have a list in my journal of a bunch of cool verses that talk about faith, comfort and God's love. Everyday I am committing to learn one of these, and on the days where I feel tempted to delve into past habits, I will learn another and another and another until either my mind is so exhausted and inundated with God's word, or I begin to regain strength against the temptation I face.
Yesterdays:
No temptation will come your way, except what is common to others. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can handle. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Today:
You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm, and put their trust in you. Isaiah 23:6
So what did Jesus do when He was tempted? Matthew 4, He uses scripture. People say knowledge is power, so how do you become powerful? You get knowledge and what is the best source of knowledge? God's word. I have a list in my journal of a bunch of cool verses that talk about faith, comfort and God's love. Everyday I am committing to learn one of these, and on the days where I feel tempted to delve into past habits, I will learn another and another and another until either my mind is so exhausted and inundated with God's word, or I begin to regain strength against the temptation I face.
Yesterdays:
No temptation will come your way, except what is common to others. And God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can handle. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Today:
You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm, and put their trust in you. Isaiah 23:6
Sunday, July 23, 2006
sATAN SUCKS (Beat it sATAN)
EveN my deepest dOubts and fears are nothing in coMparison to the love that Jesus offers and yeah, I believe this, but it is sO hard to pRactice it in my life. I say in onE breath that I love Him and follow Him and in the next I am totally dishonouring Him and that is Crap. And in trUe Roman's style, "the Things I do want to do I do not do and the Things I do not want to do I do" so here Is my pledge to Not do those things or at least tell God that I do not want to and hope that in His strength I can do this for that is promised and I pray without doubting that His Grace is sufficient for me, that in my weakness He is strong and that afterall is said and done that I be a light unto the world, speak of His love and grace and tell people that no angels, nor demons, heaven or earth or anything else will seperate them (or me or you) from the love He offers us, that in Him we can trust to lead and guide us, that His love will conquer all because without love we can do nothing but with love, we can move mountains through Him who saves us from the place where souls weep and where there is gnashing of teeth.
One more thing... for so long I have defined myself as a "fucking idiot" because that is what I've heard so much. I change my mind and now every time I call myself that (or want to) I'll just tell satan to "FUCK OFF because I am one of God's beautiful children, I am his beloved Princess and cherished daughter" Sorry for language, but hey, I'm in survival mode, and when you are there, holiness and language don't play a huge role... just surving and keeping satan away so that God has a chance to get in and be the Master Surgeon. Right now I have this bad infection around my heart, and I need to fight it off so that my Surgeon can do some open heart surgery!
One more thing... for so long I have defined myself as a "fucking idiot" because that is what I've heard so much. I change my mind and now every time I call myself that (or want to) I'll just tell satan to "FUCK OFF because I am one of God's beautiful children, I am his beloved Princess and cherished daughter" Sorry for language, but hey, I'm in survival mode, and when you are there, holiness and language don't play a huge role... just surving and keeping satan away so that God has a chance to get in and be the Master Surgeon. Right now I have this bad infection around my heart, and I need to fight it off so that my Surgeon can do some open heart surgery!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Car
Well it's all very exciting having a licence and all, but nothing has changed because I'm not allowed to drive mum's car. I got paid out badly at school today, because I arrived late (as I had physio) and Antony had told my teacher that I just got my licence and was probably trying to remember how to drive to school! So I walk in and Ms Ganis says "got lost driving to school did you?" It was funny though. Anyways, I am excited because I have money and I am going car shopping this weekend and that's cool! But I'm scared, because of the horrible scary car dealers who like to rip off innocent 17 year old girls with no clue about cars... so I asked a guy from church if he'll come, because I need a boy to help me!!!
I can't wait to have a car! LOL... keep thinking about it as I catch the stupid public transport with screaming year 8's... they are SO annoying and I know I sound like a snobby senior (we just got our jersey's so we feel very cool) but really, I don't remember being that annoying in grade 8...
I can't wait to have a car! LOL... keep thinking about it as I catch the stupid public transport with screaming year 8's... they are SO annoying and I know I sound like a snobby senior (we just got our jersey's so we feel very cool) but really, I don't remember being that annoying in grade 8...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Driving
Driving test today... I plan to stay calm... hehe we'll see... all morning I have been reminding myself how to do 3 point turns and reverse parks and what not to do...
But it kinda sucks, last night mum said even if I pass I am still not allowed to drive unsupervised! How stupid? Pass the driving test, get your license and then be restricted anyway! So I can understand her not wanting me to drive her car, so I asked if I could get my own (with my own money by the way) and once again she said no! It sucks!
But it kinda sucks, last night mum said even if I pass I am still not allowed to drive unsupervised! How stupid? Pass the driving test, get your license and then be restricted anyway! So I can understand her not wanting me to drive her car, so I asked if I could get my own (with my own money by the way) and once again she said no! It sucks!
Monday, July 17, 2006
Life is interesting...
"Coz I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I have fallen... I guess I'm not as strong as I thought now all I can do is cry to you Lord... God, you have to save me, your my last and only hope, all my right answers fail me, I can't seem to make it on my own..." Barlow Girls
"Coz I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I have fallen... I guess I'm not as strong as I thought now all I can do is cry to you Lord... God, you have to save me, your my last and only hope, all my right answers fail me, I can't seem to make it on my own..." Barlow Girls
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Thoughts of Chicken
Never thought I'd have to work with chicken again after red rooster... but now I have a job in the deli at Action which is soon to become IGA but anyways, I work with chicken and lots of other things now. Oh well, a job is a job and it isn't actually too bad and I get paid lots too! Lovely.
Driving test in 3 days. Very scary. Went driving today and actually did well for once... even Mummy said so.
Driving test in 3 days. Very scary. Went driving today and actually did well for once... even Mummy said so.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Nearly driving test time
I did a mock driving test today and I passed. I am so excited coz the last practice test I did, I made 21 non critical driving errors and 4 critical driving errors. Today, I made no criticals, and 7 non criticals. To pass, I need to make no criticals and no more than 8 non criticals! So I divided my mistakes by 3 in one week and that is good. But two of my mistakes were simply not knowing where the lights were on the car, coz the car is different to mum's car lol. So really, I made 5 errors whilst driving. I have one more practice test, and I hope to halve the mistakes to like 3 and then on the day, get none lol!!! That's the plan anyway...
Pray for the road on Wed 19th at 11:55!!! Haha dangerous time... or perhaps after then will be more dangerous because then I may have the license and can drive on my own...
Pray for the road on Wed 19th at 11:55!!! Haha dangerous time... or perhaps after then will be more dangerous because then I may have the license and can drive on my own...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Job
Well I got fired last week, but this week I have an interview. A friend said her boss is looking for people and told me to take my resume in... then her boss just said "just get her to call me for an interview" so sounds promising. Yay, I need a job, so I can buy a car and then continue to run the car lol.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Term 3 commences
Day 1 of Term 3... note to self ... only 17 weeks of school left before I am no longer a student. That's kinda cool and kinda scary. I've always talked about how I can't wait to finish, but as students, I think school naturally in ways defines us... as in, it feels like you live and breathe school. Somebody asks you to say something about yourself, and it usually comes back to school... so who will I be after school? Very happy I imagine. This term is gonna be tough, we were introduced to our coming assessment today... very full on!!!
Had a nice moment today though... I was sent an email today about our church prayer breakfast and on it was a list of things that needed to be brought by different people. It had "Antony and Cass... juice" and I really liked that... like to be associated with Antony. And it is cool when people refer to us as an "us." Can't really explain why, it is just nice.
Had a nice moment today though... I was sent an email today about our church prayer breakfast and on it was a list of things that needed to be brought by different people. It had "Antony and Cass... juice" and I really liked that... like to be associated with Antony. And it is cool when people refer to us as an "us." Can't really explain why, it is just nice.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
QPAS
Back home from QPAS yesterday. It was fantastic and I am always amazed at how quickly it goes... like the first two days drag on and you feel like you've been there for weeks and then after about Tuesday, it flies by so quickly!!!
I loved drama this year!!! I always do, but the drama not only taught us all something, but it challenged people who saw it and was heaps of fun. Jamie and Matt rule!!! LOL
But I think the highlights were firstly doing the mission elective and secondly bible study. For mission we handed out light bulbs that had scripture on the side and I was amazed at how skeptical people are in just accepting a free gift, like as though it is a scam or something. Many people thought we wanted money and couldn't grasp the concept of a free gift. At first I saw no point to the light bulb thing, but then our leader explained to us that there are 10 rungs on the ladder so to speak in becoming a christian. Effective evangelism (or mission) is moving a person up one of those rungs. So by handing out 100 light bulbs, we saw that 100 people have been moved up one rung on the ladder simply by reading a part of the Bible and coming into contact with Christians.
Bible study was great because we got to journal. For me, that is the most effective way in extracting meaning from the Bible, so to be given 1.5hrs everyday to do that was just great, and then to share what we wrote was even better. It would be really hard to say what I got out of all of it, coz there was a lot... but one thing that stands clear in my mind is attached to a story...
Luke16:10 was a verse I found and chose to remember. It says "Unless you have faith in smaller matters, you will not have faith in large ones" so I read this and think "ok, sure I can understand that"... Saturday night was the concert and I had a bag with all my toiletries, makeup and things I needed for the concert that was seperate from my other bags. I said to Megan "this definately needs to be in the car with us" as I put it next to her car. She said it definately went in... we arrive at the Halliday's house and it is not there! I freak out big time and call Cameron who also took some bags... he doesn't have my bag... then we have to go to BCT and I am stressing big time and this verse comes to mind. I share it with Emma, Bec and Megan on the way to church and we decide to pray because there is about $200 worth of stuff in it and I need all of it. So we're talking about this stupid bag and I have now been searching for it for about 1.5hrs and no luck!!!
We arrive at BCT and Georgie doesn't have it... nor does Ben whose stuff was near ours. An announcement is made to the whole camp, no luck. I am really scared now and nearly screaming and crying but I hold it together and just go "God's got it covered"
About an hour later Emma says "Cass, is that it?" and sure enough, my lovely lovely bag of treasures is sitting there... it had been accidently taken up as lost property before the cars were packed and Luke brought it back... when he heard the announcement he thought "hmm, I wonder if that is it" and yeah. So, I don't know if I had faith that it would turn up, but it did and I hugged my bag and I cried over it and then became so much more relaxed. So I learnt a little of my memory verse!!!
Camp was good. Being away from my life was good, but I am back now. I hope the things I gained from camp stay with me. Life is hard, but I can do it.
I loved drama this year!!! I always do, but the drama not only taught us all something, but it challenged people who saw it and was heaps of fun. Jamie and Matt rule!!! LOL
But I think the highlights were firstly doing the mission elective and secondly bible study. For mission we handed out light bulbs that had scripture on the side and I was amazed at how skeptical people are in just accepting a free gift, like as though it is a scam or something. Many people thought we wanted money and couldn't grasp the concept of a free gift. At first I saw no point to the light bulb thing, but then our leader explained to us that there are 10 rungs on the ladder so to speak in becoming a christian. Effective evangelism (or mission) is moving a person up one of those rungs. So by handing out 100 light bulbs, we saw that 100 people have been moved up one rung on the ladder simply by reading a part of the Bible and coming into contact with Christians.
Bible study was great because we got to journal. For me, that is the most effective way in extracting meaning from the Bible, so to be given 1.5hrs everyday to do that was just great, and then to share what we wrote was even better. It would be really hard to say what I got out of all of it, coz there was a lot... but one thing that stands clear in my mind is attached to a story...
Luke16:10 was a verse I found and chose to remember. It says "Unless you have faith in smaller matters, you will not have faith in large ones" so I read this and think "ok, sure I can understand that"... Saturday night was the concert and I had a bag with all my toiletries, makeup and things I needed for the concert that was seperate from my other bags. I said to Megan "this definately needs to be in the car with us" as I put it next to her car. She said it definately went in... we arrive at the Halliday's house and it is not there! I freak out big time and call Cameron who also took some bags... he doesn't have my bag... then we have to go to BCT and I am stressing big time and this verse comes to mind. I share it with Emma, Bec and Megan on the way to church and we decide to pray because there is about $200 worth of stuff in it and I need all of it. So we're talking about this stupid bag and I have now been searching for it for about 1.5hrs and no luck!!!
We arrive at BCT and Georgie doesn't have it... nor does Ben whose stuff was near ours. An announcement is made to the whole camp, no luck. I am really scared now and nearly screaming and crying but I hold it together and just go "God's got it covered"
About an hour later Emma says "Cass, is that it?" and sure enough, my lovely lovely bag of treasures is sitting there... it had been accidently taken up as lost property before the cars were packed and Luke brought it back... when he heard the announcement he thought "hmm, I wonder if that is it" and yeah. So, I don't know if I had faith that it would turn up, but it did and I hugged my bag and I cried over it and then became so much more relaxed. So I learnt a little of my memory verse!!!
Camp was good. Being away from my life was good, but I am back now. I hope the things I gained from camp stay with me. Life is hard, but I can do it.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
A woman who says she doesn't diet is a liar
I read this article today... a woman has just written a book about how every woman has an issue with her weight and that every woman has a secret abnormality with her eating habits, and it is therefore normal.
So, Candida is 165cm tall and 55kg. Although this is a "fat day" she weighs herself everyday and at the beginning of the week she had been 50kg and whilst she says this is disgusting, it isn't as bad as what she was on this particular day. She says she doesn't have an eating disorder, every woman eats like her...
Breakfast: Nothing, unless she is constipated in which case she eats a handful of linseed
Lunch: Maybe a glass of juice, but generally nothing
Dinner: "normal" meal of pasta, vegies etc, however it is all "portion controlled" and she does a work out after dinner to make sure she works off all the calories.
She says that no woman in the world doesn't "control her weight" and that if she says she is comfortable, she is a liar. And because of this, to binge or starve is not an eating disorder...
Interested to know thoughts...
So, Candida is 165cm tall and 55kg. Although this is a "fat day" she weighs herself everyday and at the beginning of the week she had been 50kg and whilst she says this is disgusting, it isn't as bad as what she was on this particular day. She says she doesn't have an eating disorder, every woman eats like her...
Breakfast: Nothing, unless she is constipated in which case she eats a handful of linseed
Lunch: Maybe a glass of juice, but generally nothing
Dinner: "normal" meal of pasta, vegies etc, however it is all "portion controlled" and she does a work out after dinner to make sure she works off all the calories.
She says that no woman in the world doesn't "control her weight" and that if she says she is comfortable, she is a liar. And because of this, to binge or starve is not an eating disorder...
Interested to know thoughts...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Suck at packing
Oh my gosh, I am so BAD at packing. See, whenever I go somewhere, I usually have this rule about doing 3 packs... the first pack is to see what I nee dna what needs to be washed. This generally happens at least one week before going away. Pack 2 happens about 3 days before going away. This is the pack where I literally write down EVERYTHING I need to take and pack it and then put the list on top of the stuff with the things that are not yet in there highlighted. It is at this stage that I do a bit of an audit to see if anything doesn't really need to come (because right now we are looking at about 2 suitcases of stuff + my make up bag which is a suitcase in itself really...) If by this stage anything is coming and is not clean, I have a bit of an anxiety attack and stress out big time. Pack number three happens the night before. This is when absolutely EVERYTHING that is going is zipped up and put in the suitcase. I then pull out my daggiest most horrible pj's and suffer in silence over having none of my essentials present. And then after all that, I still seem to have way too many bags and I think "surely I haven't forgot anything" and then usually by day 2 of being away I work out that I want something from home. It sucks.
Generally I am just really bad at this whole pack up thing... I always seem to lose things between my little escapades as well. If I ever become an officer, man I am gonna SUCK at moving around heaps.
Generally I am just really bad at this whole pack up thing... I always seem to lose things between my little escapades as well. If I ever become an officer, man I am gonna SUCK at moving around heaps.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Fired (still in denial)
Aww, this so sucks. I'm sitting there in the hairdresser salon having a bit of a splurge to ease the stress levels and I'm spending more money than I can really afford, but that's ok because I have a bunch of shifts lined up for after QPAS... and I recieve a phone call... "hello" and it is work. Basically, they ask me to leave (fire me) because they have apparently got too many people on staff now. So I kinda choke up a little and feel incredibly guilty about my hair splurge and they try to justify it and crap on about how it is just because other people want more work yada yada...
Then I tell my hairdresser and we complain about my work for awhile and I feel so mad. I just want to cry. Why has this happened on top of everything else? Why me? What did I do wrong? And then I began to think about what I may have done wrong, which really wasn't anything. Seriously I put everything into this job and worked hard and they said I was doing fine... so I was a bit in denial... I've never been fired before, for whatever reason.
But I'm actually ok. I'm reading this book about relieving pressure and it talks about how most people live by cause and effect (if I do this, this will happen...) and so immediately I thought "it was because I did this and so I got fired or I didn't do that" but actually that is not God's way of doing things... see just because we work really hard at something, doesn't mean we will get it... Just because I put everything into this job, doesn't mean I won't get fired... so for this reason, I'm just like, "fine God, guess I won't be putting anything in the collection bag for awhile, but that is alright coz you already know I have nothing to give. " And that was not sarcastic... I sometimes feel bad when I cannot give financially to God because I have nothing but He understands...
By the way, my hairdresser thought work (ex) were really horrible and gave me a $10 discount. That was really nice of her.
Then I tell my hairdresser and we complain about my work for awhile and I feel so mad. I just want to cry. Why has this happened on top of everything else? Why me? What did I do wrong? And then I began to think about what I may have done wrong, which really wasn't anything. Seriously I put everything into this job and worked hard and they said I was doing fine... so I was a bit in denial... I've never been fired before, for whatever reason.
But I'm actually ok. I'm reading this book about relieving pressure and it talks about how most people live by cause and effect (if I do this, this will happen...) and so immediately I thought "it was because I did this and so I got fired or I didn't do that" but actually that is not God's way of doing things... see just because we work really hard at something, doesn't mean we will get it... Just because I put everything into this job, doesn't mean I won't get fired... so for this reason, I'm just like, "fine God, guess I won't be putting anything in the collection bag for awhile, but that is alright coz you already know I have nothing to give. " And that was not sarcastic... I sometimes feel bad when I cannot give financially to God because I have nothing but He understands...
By the way, my hairdresser thought work (ex) were really horrible and gave me a $10 discount. That was really nice of her.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Getting There
I know I need my God. But I cannot seem to hand my life to Him and I hurt and I cry and I pray and sometimes I just scream at God and blame Him for my hurts still being there. Give me a break I say and I feel like He is not there. But I still cling to Him. I profess to believe but I just skrew up time and time again and I don't have faith that I will pull through. But I want it. I know I have to surrender but how? How do I do that? I ask Him all the time "please God show me the way I have to go. Please God help me surrender and trust. Please, give me wisdom and fill me with love and joy" In one breath I love Him in the next I am destroying myself. Everyday this hole I am in grows deeper and deeper and I, just the creature who is drowning in it. I want to be through this mess but know I cannot do it alone. And I am here being transperant because hiding my hurts does nothing. I do not wish to open myself to people in fear of losing my sense of self, of losing people's respect. I care so deeply about what people think... but I have to push this aside and geez that's hard. Really hard. I want people to love me, but I don't want to be the the problem that needs fixing, or the skrewed up crazy one. So I will be open to God and to people and maybe, just maybe I will get through. Maybe.
Dictatorship
Do what they say when they say. Do it their way and no other. Do not disagree or complain. Lay low. Keep your mouth shut. Don't speak, don't smile, don't laugh. Don't ask for anything and when you get something act like it is amazing, even if it is really nothing. Don't gossip because no one can be trusted. Never speak of illness, should you fall victim to one... do not cry because that is weak. Don't move without permission, follow orders always.
Do all this and maybe the only consequence or punishment you recieve for living is a grounding or a lecture or a fight. Don't do this... find a new place to live, be put in the kennel because really you are only a dog... their pet and you're not loved. You just live there.
Do all this and maybe the only consequence or punishment you recieve for living is a grounding or a lecture or a fight. Don't do this... find a new place to live, be put in the kennel because really you are only a dog... their pet and you're not loved. You just live there.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Leaving under duress
If I don't get kicked out by the end of the year (which is about to happen) then I am leaving home. It sucks. I can't afford to leave, but I don't have much choice. Know anywhere I can live cheaply?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The unloved Blog
Well I am not actually sure that anyone reads this anymore but I will probably keep writing anyway because it is good to voice my thoughts. Bit of a diary type thing.
Brodie (the dog) is barking a lot right now. She is howling at me because she wants to go outside but I don't want to take her out because it is raining and she'll get muddy feet. Soon I am going nose stud shopping because I keep losing them and that sucks. Today I hope to buy a red one because at QPAS there is a "red themed day" and I like to go over the top with dressing up... I can't wait to plan crazy costumes, will be really fun lol. Oh well, I am bored now. I had physio this morning and apparently I work hard, so go me. They say my knee is improving and I hope this is the case. When I go to QPAS I might even go down to the beach to do exercises because sand makes it harder. Or maybe I will sleep. Dunno wait and find out!
Brodie (the dog) is barking a lot right now. She is howling at me because she wants to go outside but I don't want to take her out because it is raining and she'll get muddy feet. Soon I am going nose stud shopping because I keep losing them and that sucks. Today I hope to buy a red one because at QPAS there is a "red themed day" and I like to go over the top with dressing up... I can't wait to plan crazy costumes, will be really fun lol. Oh well, I am bored now. I had physio this morning and apparently I work hard, so go me. They say my knee is improving and I hope this is the case. When I go to QPAS I might even go down to the beach to do exercises because sand makes it harder. Or maybe I will sleep. Dunno wait and find out!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Decided to search for some answers to my book of questions. What better book to look to than the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth?
Hebrews 11: 1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
and verse 6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who come to Him must believen the He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.
Hebrews 13:5,6
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you"
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"
James 1:2 -4
Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whever you face traisl of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
and 12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
1 Peter 1:6 - 9
In this you greatly REJOICE, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth of gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved gneuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious JOY, for you are receiving the goal of your FAITH, the salvation of your souls.
5:9
Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH.
5:10, 11
And the God of all GRACE, who called you to his seternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the pover for ever and ever. Amen.
Just a few.
Hebrews 11: 1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
and verse 6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who come to Him must believen the He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.
Hebrews 13:5,6
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you"
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"
James 1:2 -4
Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whever you face traisl of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
and 12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
1 Peter 1:6 - 9
In this you greatly REJOICE, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth of gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved gneuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious JOY, for you are receiving the goal of your FAITH, the salvation of your souls.
5:9
Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH.
5:10, 11
And the God of all GRACE, who called you to his seternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the pover for ever and ever. Amen.
Just a few.
Enough
If you say you believe in Jesus but doubt that He can heal you, are you a Christian? If you seek after Him and think your doing good just getting through the day, is that good enough for Him? Even when others seem to think that your not enough... what then?
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Jumping off the Walls
Ok... so I've just spent the last 3 days pretty much doing nothing in particular. I've gone to physio a few times (man that hurts soooooooo bad) and I've done housework and cared for my doggie (and trust me, that takes energy) but I've also been getting an entire, lovely 8 hours sleep a night, which is divine. So it is now night 4 of lots of sleep and is now 3.30am and I can't sleep at all. I am practically bouncing off the walls here and I'm not even gonna try to go back to bed coz I've been awake for the last 2 hours anyway... I have to go to work at 6 today so no point trying to sleep again. I'm gonna go watch a dvd.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Conditions
Well it appears now that I have asthma as well as ... eczema, allergies, valgus deformity of both knees, hip displacement, depression, iron defiency and frequent headaches. Yeah, let's just chuck in one more condition! Haha... I told my doctor this morning that I feel like an old lady!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Isn't
I don't usually write poetry. But it is good sometimes and it isn't very good but captures my thinking and feeling right now.
Isn’t no bed of roses
This crazy thing called life
Floating along sometimes
Sometimes drowning in amongst it all
Maybe it is a bed of roses
Paint the pretty picture
Red and yellow and white
Don’t talk of the thorns
Who will tend to this garden?
That is consumed by the spikes
And pains and tangles
They encompass me
Dig deeper and I become numb
Not the world I aimed to create
Life is overrated
But push through the adversity
Childhood fantasies and dreams
Listlessly blow away with hope
And love and joy
Fairytales aren’t reality
Tell me to keep pushing through
A promise awaits at the end
For those who survive
Can I survive?
Crumbling like the wet sand in my fingers
It lies and says it is strong and together
But apply the pressure and it breaks
Like me. Broken and not quite the same
My life is scattered like ashes
Of one who is deceased
But I am not
A broken life is a life
And a life is not dead
A life in shambles
Is still a life
A broken life can be repaired
Isn’t no bed of roses
This crazy thing called life
Floating along sometimes
Sometimes drowning in amongst it all
Maybe it is a bed of roses
Paint the pretty picture
Red and yellow and white
Don’t talk of the thorns
Who will tend to this garden?
That is consumed by the spikes
And pains and tangles
They encompass me
Dig deeper and I become numb
Not the world I aimed to create
Life is overrated
But push through the adversity
Childhood fantasies and dreams
Listlessly blow away with hope
And love and joy
Fairytales aren’t reality
Tell me to keep pushing through
A promise awaits at the end
For those who survive
Can I survive?
Crumbling like the wet sand in my fingers
It lies and says it is strong and together
But apply the pressure and it breaks
Like me. Broken and not quite the same
My life is scattered like ashes
Of one who is deceased
But I am not
A broken life is a life
And a life is not dead
A life in shambles
Is still a life
A broken life can be repaired
Relieved
First day off. It is truly amazing how our bodies cope under pressure. I feel so tired, and yes, I have felt tired for ages, but last night after work (which was 6.30) I just completely crashed. It took me an hour to get home from work because the first bus that I hailed just drove off and didn't stop. Very rude I thought but I was so cactus that I didn't even care. So I came home and then had a kind of huge situation to deal with and that just wiped me out heaps and so I went to bed afterwards... and slept for ages. Now I am feeling relieved but still really really tired.
Anyway, congrats to the cane toads! I don't think I could have bared to watch QLD lose another state of origin series... and the best thing is, we still have snacks on the table from last night! Hehehe, I have been eating really healthy so I am about ready to splurge big time.
Anyway, congrats to the cane toads! I don't think I could have bared to watch QLD lose another state of origin series... and the best thing is, we still have snacks on the table from last night! Hehehe, I have been eating really healthy so I am about ready to splurge big time.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Relaxation Awaits
Exams are all over finally. Feel so good and relieved. Maths was really really hard so overall I think I will fail that exam. Oh well. Wow, I am sooooo tired from my 5 hours worth of exams today and although it is nice for it to be over and to have 6 days of freedom before I go back to school when exam block finishes, it was pretty nasty of my school to shove all 7 exams into 3 days. It has been so full on especially since I went to guard camp on the weekend. Meh, it's over!!!
Now I shall sleep and rest for the next nearly a week before going back to school for a week then going on holidays for two weeks. Relaxation awaits me.
Now I shall sleep and rest for the next nearly a week before going back to school for a week then going on holidays for two weeks. Relaxation awaits me.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Stuff
We did our drama production last night... I forget how draining it is to do 4.5 hours of rehursal and then a performance!!! Actually, I don't think I've ever done that much full on rehursal... but anyway, we ordered pizza for dinner and I made a personal best with eating... 4 slices of pizza, half a tube of pringles, 3 glasses of orange juice and half a box of m&m's... and I could have eaten more but we ran out of food, so that sucked!
The performance went really well and everyone I spoke to enjoyed it... and said it was better than the other yr12 class... hehe, we rule!
Mummy got a job today... a fulltime one, so I am very happy for her. I'm not actually sure what she will be doing as yet, but yeah, yay for Mummy!
The performance went really well and everyone I spoke to enjoyed it... and said it was better than the other yr12 class... hehe, we rule!
Mummy got a job today... a fulltime one, so I am very happy for her. I'm not actually sure what she will be doing as yet, but yeah, yay for Mummy!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Stories
So what's been happening? I've just got a couple of little stories that have happened recently...
1) I've been working at NewsExpress for a week now. It is fantastic having money again... it's not much because I am not getting many hours until I am trained up, but yeah, that's ok coz I am busy anyway. I like working, it gives me something to do (not that I need extra things, but it's the variety and practicality of it that I enjoy). But I laugh at myself over a little incident from last night...
Judy and Brian Kerr are married and own the store... they have 5 daughters, three work there... one of which is Louise who manages the store (although Judy is always there). Last night, Darcy and Louise were having a conversation about racing. Some of the lines used were "what do you take to thin your blood?" and "Oh, I'm not sure if I will go on Wednesday night..." and "we need more chicks there" and "so and so felt crap the next day" and "such and such will get caught" and "I wanna go faster"... Up the road from me is a guy who street races at night in his hotted up gemini (hehe, he has a gemini) so naturally I was thinking "right, I'm working with a bunch of people who are junkies that like street racing" and all of a sudden I saw Louise in some tarty little outfit hanging off a car... So I asked what they raced and they laughed and said "push-bikes" in a rather sarcastic manner. So I thought, definately cars. Then I was like "where do you race" and Darcy said "all over the place" and I said "like on the road" and he said "yeah all the time" ... oh my gosh I am thinking... so then I asked if it was at a track and basically eventually worked out that they were in fact talking about push bikes. Yes, I felt rather embarassed and we all laughed and laughed... me is a dag.
2) I'm so failing chemistry. I asked for help from the teacher and she told me to ask Antony and Antony couldn't tell me so I asked her again and she told me to go away. End of story.
3) Physio sucks.
4) I have a drama production tomorrow night. Very scary... amazing how quick time goes... I remember thinking "we have so long until our performance" and now it is tomorrow. Our play is called "Scattered Lives" and it is a collection of stories about refugees, why they left their homes and the struggles and joys they've had in getting to and settling into Australia. Overall it is a very high emotion and intense show, with a strong political and moral message... well actually, rather than give you a message, it makes you think about your views on refugees, so that is why I like it. I hate drama that is over-explained and not thought provoking because it is shallow and treats viewers like idiots... but this one isn't like that. I am playing the role of a refugee who is from Iraq and upon arrival in Australia, I am put into a detention center... it's cool because the lights are all black except for a blue light that is on me and it is in the shape of prison bars... really groovy... but yeah, interesting role to play because I leave Iraq because of religious persecution. Although I don't understand persecution like other people have, I do know how it feels to be treated poorly because of your beliefs... so it's quite easy for me to characterise. Still, I am really nervous and I dare say tomorrow I will be expending a lot of emotional energy. Wish me luck and pray for my nerves!!!
I'm going to go and have a bath now...
1) I've been working at NewsExpress for a week now. It is fantastic having money again... it's not much because I am not getting many hours until I am trained up, but yeah, that's ok coz I am busy anyway. I like working, it gives me something to do (not that I need extra things, but it's the variety and practicality of it that I enjoy). But I laugh at myself over a little incident from last night...
Judy and Brian Kerr are married and own the store... they have 5 daughters, three work there... one of which is Louise who manages the store (although Judy is always there). Last night, Darcy and Louise were having a conversation about racing. Some of the lines used were "what do you take to thin your blood?" and "Oh, I'm not sure if I will go on Wednesday night..." and "we need more chicks there" and "so and so felt crap the next day" and "such and such will get caught" and "I wanna go faster"... Up the road from me is a guy who street races at night in his hotted up gemini (hehe, he has a gemini) so naturally I was thinking "right, I'm working with a bunch of people who are junkies that like street racing" and all of a sudden I saw Louise in some tarty little outfit hanging off a car... So I asked what they raced and they laughed and said "push-bikes" in a rather sarcastic manner. So I thought, definately cars. Then I was like "where do you race" and Darcy said "all over the place" and I said "like on the road" and he said "yeah all the time" ... oh my gosh I am thinking... so then I asked if it was at a track and basically eventually worked out that they were in fact talking about push bikes. Yes, I felt rather embarassed and we all laughed and laughed... me is a dag.
2) I'm so failing chemistry. I asked for help from the teacher and she told me to ask Antony and Antony couldn't tell me so I asked her again and she told me to go away. End of story.
3) Physio sucks.
4) I have a drama production tomorrow night. Very scary... amazing how quick time goes... I remember thinking "we have so long until our performance" and now it is tomorrow. Our play is called "Scattered Lives" and it is a collection of stories about refugees, why they left their homes and the struggles and joys they've had in getting to and settling into Australia. Overall it is a very high emotion and intense show, with a strong political and moral message... well actually, rather than give you a message, it makes you think about your views on refugees, so that is why I like it. I hate drama that is over-explained and not thought provoking because it is shallow and treats viewers like idiots... but this one isn't like that. I am playing the role of a refugee who is from Iraq and upon arrival in Australia, I am put into a detention center... it's cool because the lights are all black except for a blue light that is on me and it is in the shape of prison bars... really groovy... but yeah, interesting role to play because I leave Iraq because of religious persecution. Although I don't understand persecution like other people have, I do know how it feels to be treated poorly because of your beliefs... so it's quite easy for me to characterise. Still, I am really nervous and I dare say tomorrow I will be expending a lot of emotional energy. Wish me luck and pray for my nerves!!!
I'm going to go and have a bath now...
Sunday, June 04, 2006
12 000
$12 000... would buy a decent car, half a house deposit, feed hundreds of poor children for a few years, completely re-decorate your home, make the Salvo's really happy!!...
So many things this kinda money could be spent on. Instead, NewsExpress alone at Lutwyche sold that many lotto tickets for the super draw for 27mill last night. Incredible. Therefore, if we consider that Lutwyche is what... about say 1/200dth of Brisbane alone... do the maths, a lot of money spent. Incredible. Work however was good and I was promised a car from a customer... I've not heard anything yet!
One girl at work told me she's been given 4 cars, 3 houses and hundreds of thousands of dollars. She's still working there and still doesn't have a car.
So many things this kinda money could be spent on. Instead, NewsExpress alone at Lutwyche sold that many lotto tickets for the super draw for 27mill last night. Incredible. Therefore, if we consider that Lutwyche is what... about say 1/200dth of Brisbane alone... do the maths, a lot of money spent. Incredible. Work however was good and I was promised a car from a customer... I've not heard anything yet!
One girl at work told me she's been given 4 cars, 3 houses and hundreds of thousands of dollars. She's still working there and still doesn't have a car.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Off to work!
It's my second day of work today. I start at 2.30. So yeah. It's nice having a job coz I missed employment (and money) but on Wednesday I will have money for the first time in a very long time. I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed because they desperately, desperately need it.
Anyway, I was thinking about something... at work, people buy heaps of lotto tickets. Like they will buy $10 worth, win $8 and come back and ask for another $10, so they have lost $2, but something drives them to keep playing. Maybe because our store has a plaque because someone won $584 000 from a ticket in our store... but I think it's also just hope.
So what am I putting my hope in? A lotto ticket? It may return big and be fantastic, but it is purely luck. Or do I put my hope in God? It may not return instantly or in a big way, but it is not just luck, it is a guarantee...
But yeah, that's work for you. I like it so far... the people are nice and it's not too stressful. Good hours, good pay. I don't mind going to work today.
Anyway, I was thinking about something... at work, people buy heaps of lotto tickets. Like they will buy $10 worth, win $8 and come back and ask for another $10, so they have lost $2, but something drives them to keep playing. Maybe because our store has a plaque because someone won $584 000 from a ticket in our store... but I think it's also just hope.
So what am I putting my hope in? A lotto ticket? It may return big and be fantastic, but it is purely luck. Or do I put my hope in God? It may not return instantly or in a big way, but it is not just luck, it is a guarantee...
But yeah, that's work for you. I like it so far... the people are nice and it's not too stressful. Good hours, good pay. I don't mind going to work today.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Make a Change
I just got a little bit bored with the old style... so yeah. Change is good. I want to change some things. God says I should change some things. So I am gonna try. Need some help... but I've turned into a music junkie and heard a song on the radio by destiny's child "coz I'm a survivor I'm gonna make it" and I laughed and thought "yes, this is a much better attitude" ... so let's see how that goes.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
"Good morning, I'm collecting for the Salvation Army Red Shield Appeal... would you like to make a donation today?"
It's that time of the year again. I was a team leader, go me! Yeah, Emmah and I collected at 243 houses today on our own, and because she's not 16, we had to do them together. But yeah, we got 200 exactly for our 4 hours of walking, so that was pretty good.
*Bec, I tried to publish a comment on your blog but it wouldn't work... yay for pretty dresses... publish a photo and I will publish one of my formal dress!
It's that time of the year again. I was a team leader, go me! Yeah, Emmah and I collected at 243 houses today on our own, and because she's not 16, we had to do them together. But yeah, we got 200 exactly for our 4 hours of walking, so that was pretty good.
*Bec, I tried to publish a comment on your blog but it wouldn't work... yay for pretty dresses... publish a photo and I will publish one of my formal dress!
Friday, May 26, 2006
No really, everything is fine!
Hehe I didn't realise I could change my text colour... but now that I know... I will be able to have so much more fun! Fun... it's not a word that is in my vernacular at the moment...
I have a new theory, and that is that Australia makes grade 12 impossibly difficult so that we can all become mental cases... then when everyone is unemployed, Mr Johny can say it is because we have a rising epidemic of mental illness in our country.
Or maybe not everyone has a huge issue with year 12, maybe it's a me thing. But either way things are still sucking... and you know what my current complain is? This:
My brother is on the brink of being kicked out of home. Everyday there is yelling and screaming and swearing and whatever. People are always stressed around the house. Scott hates me and he hates mum... so many times I have just cried and cried because I see it all turning to crap and quite frankly, it stinks. I mean, I get ill thinking about being at home and if I could I would move out. But instead I just put up with it as much as possible and leave when I need to.
I have that much school work to catch up on it's not funny. Doesn't seem to matter how much I actually do, I'm swamped and ergh, I don't want to think about it. Oh, and I hate school coz heaps of people there hate me and so it's this little cycle of everyone hating Cassie and Cassie just kinda existing and dealing and waiting with baited breath till November when she can get out!
One of my favourite bits of life at the moment is always feeling like I'm freaking 60years old. I have had a cold all year that just won't go away. My allergies are terrible and I am developing asthma. Great, huh? My knees are always dislocating and now I walk with a permanent limp because it is winter and I have mild arthritis in my knees and therefore cold and movement hurt. Joy Joy. Yeah, as well as the constant stress, nervous breakdowns, depression and fatigue, I get the added bonus of a steady weight loss. I now tip the scales at about 38 kilo. Nice and healthy... don't tell me to eat more dammit coz I can't fit no more in!
I am really over being told that things will pass coz I don't really believe they do. But maybe I am just a sour grape or something. I need a shoulder to cry on and I can't really find one at the moment. Everyone is sick of my problems and trust me I am sick of them too. Does there come a time when it is justified to just say don't talk to someone... start bottling it up. Anyway, I intend this to be my final splurge for awhile. I am going to bottle up for sometime, or at least not tell anyone because people are tired of hearing. Somehow I will convince myself that everything is fine. Really, it is.
Everything is fine.
I have a new theory, and that is that Australia makes grade 12 impossibly difficult so that we can all become mental cases... then when everyone is unemployed, Mr Johny can say it is because we have a rising epidemic of mental illness in our country.
Or maybe not everyone has a huge issue with year 12, maybe it's a me thing. But either way things are still sucking... and you know what my current complain is? This:
My brother is on the brink of being kicked out of home. Everyday there is yelling and screaming and swearing and whatever. People are always stressed around the house. Scott hates me and he hates mum... so many times I have just cried and cried because I see it all turning to crap and quite frankly, it stinks. I mean, I get ill thinking about being at home and if I could I would move out. But instead I just put up with it as much as possible and leave when I need to.
I have that much school work to catch up on it's not funny. Doesn't seem to matter how much I actually do, I'm swamped and ergh, I don't want to think about it. Oh, and I hate school coz heaps of people there hate me and so it's this little cycle of everyone hating Cassie and Cassie just kinda existing and dealing and waiting with baited breath till November when she can get out!
One of my favourite bits of life at the moment is always feeling like I'm freaking 60years old. I have had a cold all year that just won't go away. My allergies are terrible and I am developing asthma. Great, huh? My knees are always dislocating and now I walk with a permanent limp because it is winter and I have mild arthritis in my knees and therefore cold and movement hurt. Joy Joy. Yeah, as well as the constant stress, nervous breakdowns, depression and fatigue, I get the added bonus of a steady weight loss. I now tip the scales at about 38 kilo. Nice and healthy... don't tell me to eat more dammit coz I can't fit no more in!
I am really over being told that things will pass coz I don't really believe they do. But maybe I am just a sour grape or something. I need a shoulder to cry on and I can't really find one at the moment. Everyone is sick of my problems and trust me I am sick of them too. Does there come a time when it is justified to just say don't talk to someone... start bottling it up. Anyway, I intend this to be my final splurge for awhile. I am going to bottle up for sometime, or at least not tell anyone because people are tired of hearing. Somehow I will convince myself that everything is fine. Really, it is.
Everything is fine.
Monday, May 22, 2006
God is Great
The amazing difference between God and people is this...
If you have a best friend, and you love them dearly but one day fail them, chances are they won't forgive you. You may have mucked up so bad that you've affected the relationship beyond repair... and if that is not the case, things may be strained until trust comes back. They probably won't be too generous towards you either.
God however is your best friend when you're not His best friend... and you can fail Him so much, yet He forgives...
I have stuffed up so badly lately. Last night I threw some things out that have caused immense damage to my life, both in the physical sense and the figurative sense...
Today, I was told I have been offered a job! This is really good because I don't deserve to be blessed so much to be given work (a.k.a moula) but God let it happen anyway! Thank you Jesus!
So needless to say, I am really, really happy and hopefully now that I know what it is like to not have money, I will be much more careful with what I do get!
If you have a best friend, and you love them dearly but one day fail them, chances are they won't forgive you. You may have mucked up so bad that you've affected the relationship beyond repair... and if that is not the case, things may be strained until trust comes back. They probably won't be too generous towards you either.
God however is your best friend when you're not His best friend... and you can fail Him so much, yet He forgives...
I have stuffed up so badly lately. Last night I threw some things out that have caused immense damage to my life, both in the physical sense and the figurative sense...
Today, I was told I have been offered a job! This is really good because I don't deserve to be blessed so much to be given work (a.k.a moula) but God let it happen anyway! Thank you Jesus!
So needless to say, I am really, really happy and hopefully now that I know what it is like to not have money, I will be much more careful with what I do get!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Nyeh
Well, I'm home from Biology camp. It wasn't so bad afterall... apart from the hours and hours of walking, ankle deep mud and mangroves, strange animals... It was quite feral really. We had to share the kitchen between 75 of us which was absolutely ridiculous and when our day of being outside communing with nature was over, we had 2 hours tutorials at night, so by the end of the day, we were frazzled. From 6:30am - 10:30pm we just didn't stop! I have cuts on my feet from walking on the rocky shores and my eczema didn't go well with the plants. I still have allergies from it all! Plus, the whole time we had hardly any reception and when we finally found a shop, everyone just went nuts! I was definately glad to come home after the whole experience. It was very crusty! Needless to say, I am exhausted.
I've been trying to put on weight for a few weeks and have been working really hard by eating plenty and calorie counting etc. Before camp, I weighed myself and I have LOST 2 kilos! How crap is that? I just couldn't believe that I worked so hard to gain weight and ended up losing it! I hate to think what it might be now after camp!
This morning I had a driving lesson and reversed parked! How good am I? And my instructor booked the test for me today as well... so that can't be until at least July 16, but he thinks I'm nearly ready! Today in my lesson I didn't make any critical driving errors... like sometimes I forgot to turn when he asked me and stuff, but nothing that would be unsafe... so that's kinda cool...
Hmm, that's probably all I am willing to share on a public forum.
I've been trying to put on weight for a few weeks and have been working really hard by eating plenty and calorie counting etc. Before camp, I weighed myself and I have LOST 2 kilos! How crap is that? I just couldn't believe that I worked so hard to gain weight and ended up losing it! I hate to think what it might be now after camp!
This morning I had a driving lesson and reversed parked! How good am I? And my instructor booked the test for me today as well... so that can't be until at least July 16, but he thinks I'm nearly ready! Today in my lesson I didn't make any critical driving errors... like sometimes I forgot to turn when he asked me and stuff, but nothing that would be unsafe... so that's kinda cool...
Hmm, that's probably all I am willing to share on a public forum.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Er... I'm "sick"
Ok, it's 5:45... Sunday morning, mother's day... and I have my cup of coffee sitting there, teasing me with it's warmth. I haven't packed yet, but in one hour, I'll be leaving comfort for three days. Yes, I have an empty bag casually sprawled across my bed and surrounding it is clean shirts that beg to not be dirtied by mud flats and mangroves. But, there is no choice because yr12 Biology camp is compulsary... please... get me out of it somehow!
I am a self proclaimed girly girl... I don't own sneakers, or jeans that can get ruined... most of my shirts are pink and if not, they are not going to be worn in hip-deep water... I think little of the whole experience...
But ok, sometimes camping is good. And I have to admit, that ocassionally I don't mind the odd sleep in a tent routine, but this camp is going to SUCK because instead I could be at church today, I had to get up early after hmm, 3 hours sleep and we're being forced to Biology for literally 10 hours a day. Haha... NO
I guess in my boredom I will have plenty of time to talk to Jesus!
I am a self proclaimed girly girl... I don't own sneakers, or jeans that can get ruined... most of my shirts are pink and if not, they are not going to be worn in hip-deep water... I think little of the whole experience...
But ok, sometimes camping is good. And I have to admit, that ocassionally I don't mind the odd sleep in a tent routine, but this camp is going to SUCK because instead I could be at church today, I had to get up early after hmm, 3 hours sleep and we're being forced to Biology for literally 10 hours a day. Haha... NO
I guess in my boredom I will have plenty of time to talk to Jesus!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I mourn the loss of something special today.
I've lost my Dad. I've lost my pets and friends. I've lost competitions and I've lost things of sentimental value.
Today I lost hope. Life is not nice. Life is not kind. Life hurts and it hurts and hurts and hurts and then finally, it becomes so bad that you become numb to pain. And that's when you lose hope.
More stuff has happened with Scott and I don't wanna talk about it much. But do you know how it feels when you have a little brother is maybe just weeks away from living under a bridge? Mum told him today that she is about to kick him out... that one more thing. She doesn't wanna know him.
I try to keep quiet amongst all of this crap, but I get sick of it and it affects me more than most people realise. I cry so often about family crap and by the way, Scott's new "pet name" for me is Fucking Bitch. Don't like the language? Deal with it, coz I get called that everyday of my life and it is usually accompanied with "I hate you" so that's just grand. Life is a bitch, life is a bitch.
BUT I shall keep pressing forward, I just don't know how well I can handle it or for how much longer. I am really scared about everything but I keep reminding myself of Philippians 4:4 - 8 but I can't seem to rid myself of hurts. And I no longer hope for a bright future, I just wait to die. Then maybe if things get better, I will know to appreciate it so much better.
I've lost my Dad. I've lost my pets and friends. I've lost competitions and I've lost things of sentimental value.
Today I lost hope. Life is not nice. Life is not kind. Life hurts and it hurts and hurts and hurts and then finally, it becomes so bad that you become numb to pain. And that's when you lose hope.
More stuff has happened with Scott and I don't wanna talk about it much. But do you know how it feels when you have a little brother is maybe just weeks away from living under a bridge? Mum told him today that she is about to kick him out... that one more thing. She doesn't wanna know him.
I try to keep quiet amongst all of this crap, but I get sick of it and it affects me more than most people realise. I cry so often about family crap and by the way, Scott's new "pet name" for me is Fucking Bitch. Don't like the language? Deal with it, coz I get called that everyday of my life and it is usually accompanied with "I hate you" so that's just grand. Life is a bitch, life is a bitch.
BUT I shall keep pressing forward, I just don't know how well I can handle it or for how much longer. I am really scared about everything but I keep reminding myself of Philippians 4:4 - 8 but I can't seem to rid myself of hurts. And I no longer hope for a bright future, I just wait to die. Then maybe if things get better, I will know to appreciate it so much better.
Getting Better
The trials seem to never go away. But then one day you realise that today was just a little better than yesterday. And it feels amazing because finally you have the smallest breakthrough it seems and you just get a tiny bit more hope.
Things were good yesterday. I wondered when things got better... they don't actually get better straight away, but today I hope will be the same as yesterday and then we'll see...
The trials bring me closer to You
Things were good yesterday. I wondered when things got better... they don't actually get better straight away, but today I hope will be the same as yesterday and then we'll see...
The trials bring me closer to You
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Dreams
Are dreams real? Do they mean something? I must admit, I am a chronic dreamer and it seems that often my dreams reflect my circumstances and sometimes they really seem to mimick my fears. Sometimes I can't understand them and want to be able to, sometimes they seem simple but have hidden meaning. I don't really know, should I learn from my dreams or leave them for when I sleep?
Last night I had a dream about me being at the local pool with a friend. For some reason ages ago she had put some beauty products off the internet on her credit card. I hadn't realised how much they were worth and then it our conversation she quietly reminded me that I now owed her $200. See, that would be a problem because at the moment, I can't even get $20!
In my worry, I asked another friend if I could borrow her car to drive to the bank and check my balance (and probably to start looking for a job!) So she lent me her car and I'm pretty sure I had my license (let's hope) but her car was a manual and I only drove auto's. But I didn't tell her I don't drive manual and in I hopped. She wasn't with me and I had great difficulty driving but I thought... no, I have to do this.
I ended up crashing into a brick wall and stuffing her car. It wasn't a flashy car, but a car all the same... now the wierd thing is that the car was exactly the same as what the girl in question owns, but she still only has her L's... I've only seen the car once and it's just strange that I would remember. So back to the dream, I called her and said I had been in an accident and that I would pay for all the damages, which she agreed to but I secretly knew that now I had just incurred another debt. So I called mum and told her my predicament and she told me it was my own problem. And then I woke up because the whole thing was stressing me out.
Maybe I need a job, but I really don't want one because I like having time!
Oh, and also just as a side note, we're moving to Lawnton in July.
Last night I had a dream about me being at the local pool with a friend. For some reason ages ago she had put some beauty products off the internet on her credit card. I hadn't realised how much they were worth and then it our conversation she quietly reminded me that I now owed her $200. See, that would be a problem because at the moment, I can't even get $20!
In my worry, I asked another friend if I could borrow her car to drive to the bank and check my balance (and probably to start looking for a job!) So she lent me her car and I'm pretty sure I had my license (let's hope) but her car was a manual and I only drove auto's. But I didn't tell her I don't drive manual and in I hopped. She wasn't with me and I had great difficulty driving but I thought... no, I have to do this.
I ended up crashing into a brick wall and stuffing her car. It wasn't a flashy car, but a car all the same... now the wierd thing is that the car was exactly the same as what the girl in question owns, but she still only has her L's... I've only seen the car once and it's just strange that I would remember. So back to the dream, I called her and said I had been in an accident and that I would pay for all the damages, which she agreed to but I secretly knew that now I had just incurred another debt. So I called mum and told her my predicament and she told me it was my own problem. And then I woke up because the whole thing was stressing me out.
Maybe I need a job, but I really don't want one because I like having time!
Oh, and also just as a side note, we're moving to Lawnton in July.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I have to wonder why in general, people ignore the wisdom and truths that others pass on... Like for example, for years people have been telling me that I need to eat more and I've always brushed it off and gone "yeah yeah, talk to the hand" ... but recently I have hit an all time low in my health. So far this year I've had a cold that has pretty much stayed since early March, I've taken about 4 school days off because I'm literally too tired to get up, I frequently sleep through classes, 12hrs is not enough and I have big black bags under my eyes. So enough is enough I said... and then formal dress shopping sparked my motivation for putting on weight. I don't care so much about that anymore, but I've been eating heaps better (although still needs improvement) and just in the last 5 days I have felt amazing. I slept 8 hrs last night and 2 weeks ago I would not have survived the day without a struggle but right now, I'm like "meh, could stay up another 5 hours easily." But I just find it amazing that people have told me for so long and I've ignored them, even though it's awesome advice... seriously, food is good for you!
But isn't it just so human to not listen to people? I mean, life is this cycle of growing up, making mistakes, learning then passing on wisdom to young kids who won't actually listen and will one day have the same revelations you did 50 years earlier!
Ah, the irony of life.
But isn't it just so human to not listen to people? I mean, life is this cycle of growing up, making mistakes, learning then passing on wisdom to young kids who won't actually listen and will one day have the same revelations you did 50 years earlier!
Ah, the irony of life.
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