The Circumstances

About a week or two ago, I was watching this DVD of Donna Crouch - one of the Hillsong pastors, and she was talking about healing. She used the example of a melanoma she had removed. It was a pretty huge one and took many months to heal, but she got one of the best specialists in Sydney to do it, and afterwards, was completely healed and there was virtually no scarring despite the fact it was large. So she referred to that, and how she didn't go to a backyard butcher to fix it, she went to the best person to heal her. She talked about having an illness/disease/problem, but not letting it own you... I found this interesting...

I have my fair share of physical/mental problems, and truth is, these have only really in the last 2 years come out in their fullest and I am learning the implications of these upon my life. So I am not good at dealing with set backs...

Examples - I've done about 4 months of physiotherapy on my horrible knees. Every week, twice a week for 4 months I've marched myself up to the hospital to be poked and prodded at and then spent a few more hours a week doing strengthening exercises, all in the hope of peace of mind that I won't suffer from dislocations anymore. On Friday, I went to see a surgeon (as this was an option) who told me he didn't want to do anything without at least another 4 months of physio, and even then, probably not until I am 25. In some respects, I undersand where he is coming from, because my bones won't finish growing until I am 25, but the thought of having this problem for another 8 years is really hard, and it makes me worry about osteoporosis, as up until the age of 25, you should do an hr of weight bearing exercise a week, and the reality is that I simply can't do that... so today I dislocated my knee and now I feel really depressed about it. I feel like I've wasted my time, like I'm not improving... I didn't need 4 months of hard work to just dislocate it again, or be told that I can't play sport... So how do I have control of this, rather than it having control over me? Physically, nothing, mentally, not become apprehensive and get a defeatist attitude... gotta work on that...

With the whole depression in general thing. I hate to say aloud "I am depressed" because it feels like I've lost, like I am crazy, like I am one of those "pathetic" people. I remember once seeing a sufferer of depression on tv and thinking "gosh, just get over it" and now I see those people and think "gosh, I know exactly where you're at, doesn't it suck?" I am learning that maybe this thing never goes away, but how do I own it, not it own me? Especially when it turns into a hormonal problem, and not just my thoughts. I am developing the skills to deal with my negative attitudes, but still, how do I deal with the sleeplessness that comes, and the fatigue that follows? The unmotivated attitude? The willingness to give up on life? The diminished pleasure in everything? Poor confidence...

That's what I am learning. How to deal when circumstances simply suck. It's a pickle and a half.