Getting There

I know I need my God. But I cannot seem to hand my life to Him and I hurt and I cry and I pray and sometimes I just scream at God and blame Him for my hurts still being there. Give me a break I say and I feel like He is not there. But I still cling to Him. I profess to believe but I just skrew up time and time again and I don't have faith that I will pull through. But I want it. I know I have to surrender but how? How do I do that? I ask Him all the time "please God show me the way I have to go. Please God help me surrender and trust. Please, give me wisdom and fill me with love and joy" In one breath I love Him in the next I am destroying myself. Everyday this hole I am in grows deeper and deeper and I, just the creature who is drowning in it. I want to be through this mess but know I cannot do it alone. And I am here being transperant because hiding my hurts does nothing. I do not wish to open myself to people in fear of losing my sense of self, of losing people's respect. I care so deeply about what people think... but I have to push this aside and geez that's hard. Really hard. I want people to love me, but I don't want to be the the problem that needs fixing, or the skrewed up crazy one. So I will be open to God and to people and maybe, just maybe I will get through. Maybe.