3 years have passed

Today is the 16th of Sept. This time 3 years ago at about 5:30am, I found out that my dad had committed suicide. So today I am left to reflect.

In these 3 years, I have learnt how to grieve. I have learnt to accept and to forgive him for the many wrongs he did to me. For a while, I was unable to call him Dad, it seemed too much of a compliment for someone like him. But now, I do love my Dad even if I never knew him. And the few fond memories I have, I miss.

Whilst packing up things (we're moving in 11 days!) I stumbled across a letter that his girlfriend of the time wrote to our family. It had got lost and no one has actually read it. So I read it. She talked about who he was - he was passionate about dancing and practiced all the time. He was creative and determined. He was a simple man who didn't need much in life.

But then something chilled me. I read that he actually told his g/f that he couldn't handle it anymore and wanted to kill himself. So she tried for the grand total of an hour to convince him not. But obviously an hour was not enough. So she let him go and at 8:13 that night texted and said "sorry babe, I have to do this, love you"

She knew what was gonna happen and just let it happen. It makes me really mad when I think about it because I constantly think "could there have been reconcilliation?" and if you love someone, do you just let them go?

In the times I have wanted to give up, my friends have put in such huge efforts to keep me safe and so I think, they're just my friends and they tried so hard, but she was, in her words his "lover" and why did she give up so quickly? I cannot understand this and it will take some processing.

Gotta go to work now. Interesting day, interesting life.