Deliriously Bored

My doggie is a terrorist. Am I allowed to say that word... like you can't say bomb at airports... I learnt this when I went to Syd last year... Mummy told me to shut up.

No, Brodie is terrorising a cockroach. She's the only other crazy one who can be awake and functioning at 3am! Yay for Brodie. This poor little cockroach only has 3 legs now and it's wiggling around on its back... I have no sympathy because it crawled out of the medicine box and threatened to fly on me, so I set my dog onto it. It put itself on my hit list. I'm so bored... but I can't sleep. Maybe I'll go do maths and chem study, I'm sure that would make me sleep! Haha no!

"We are gathered here today in rememberance of cockroach #3.2 x 10 ^30 000 000. It died of a pretty typical death... after escaping an extinction of the dinosours, an ice age, natural disaster, peau beau insect spray... it finally met its match with the mad dog Brodie, who escaped a high security mental institution last year in April... hehe sucked in you little disease ridden crawly thing... I mean *hec hem* this is tragic"

Home Again

Ok, so my major frustration is this: I am home today because I have been sick for a few days. Like as in, I went to bed on Saturday arvo and slept pretty much straight through until last night... getting up to eat. Now, I'm feeling much better, but at the same time, not well enough to do anything constructive. So whilst I want to get up and study (omg, I actually want to study) or clean my room... or do weights (yes, that's crazy but I've decided I want more muscle in my arms) or... go for a run or anything... everytime I get up my head spins and I just go back to bed. So that's really annoying! Don't know how to explain it, but yeah, I can't stay still. That's probably why I got sick in the first place!

So what have I done today...

I've been to the doctor, which took an hr and a half, so dumb. I mean, I only needed to get a doc cert to excuse my exam... so she gave me the whole check over and speil about cold's and how to get better and when I should come back yadayada ya and that was after waiting for 45mins.

I tried to wax my legs and it didn't work. I have decided that there is no such thing as effective hair removal and we should just let it grow and flow. Save a lot of time, hassle and money.

I inspected my face which is all blotchy from illness and I think I'm getting acne! Grr, actually probably an exaggeration... I just need a better cleanser.

I sat on the computer and watch my music download for ages... Don't ask me how that was entertaining, but yeah, somehow watching the little numbers move is soothing on the mind.

I fell asleep on the floor and when I woke, Brodie was lying on top of my head, so I was pinned down for another half hour, so I went back to sleep.

Oh, and I had a bath and begged mum for a massage (which I didn't get). Seriously, there are around 10 000 knots in my back and they need to come out! But no one gives massages, except me! Grr...

Right, so this arvo I might go to Word with Susanne coz I have money and my Bible has fallen apart. So I need a new one! Gonna go back to bed I think.

Update from cass's sphere

Guess what? On Monday, I will only have two more weeks of term 1. That's really good coz it means I'm over 1/4 of the way through the year. Everyone talks about how quickly yr12 goes, but I'm starting to believe it. I'm also trying really hard not to stress about work, but as much as I am doing that, my body is still responding to the pressure by "blessing" me with large black bags, frequent migraines and a cold. So that's just great!

Last night we had a sleepover for sagala and it was fantastic. About 10 girls came and we spent last night watching movies, eating junk food, playing games etc. This morning was the best bit though. The leaders pampered the girls. So I did facials and massages and I found it quite amusing because most of them have never had either of these done, so they were a bit freaked out at first and giggled a lot. About 30secs into it, their pretty little eyes crept down and they went into a tranquill state. The massage was just as good. After that, they moved on to have a manicure with Chippie, then a foot spa and scrub with Emma and Nat. As you can imagine, they all felt lovely afterwards! So now my hands smell like a face mask and are very smooth. I guess I got a benefit from it as well! LOL.

Needless to say, 11 year olds have far too much energy and I am exhausted! This cold doesn't help either. But it was heaps of fun and the best bit is that the girls by the end of the sleepover were bonding really well, not just with each other but with leaders as well. It's pretty amazing how 1 day can change or begin relationships. I look forward to sleeping soon, even though I have a maths exam on Monday and I'm really really not confident about it. It's my own fault that I won't do well, but yeah. Perhaps I'll be sick enough on Monday to not do it...

My other news is that I told mum I don't intend to go to uni next year. Hmm... interesting. Basically she told me that if I wanted to waste my life that's fine, but don't expect her to support me. Sure thing Mum. I mean really, I have decided that I'm definately going to choose my own life and not do what is expected. I know that's what everyone tells you, however it's just one of those truths that when you work it out for yourself is very uplifting. The choices I make will not be a waste. In fact, if they are bad choices, it will be a lesson learnt. Although I don't believe they'll be bad if God is prompting me, so yeah. That's my most recent revelation.

Wow, head is spinning so I'm gunna get some sleep. By the way... without sleeping, how else do you get rid of black eye bags?

Learn some patience!

So, I'm trying to be patient... But it's really hard... I want answers now!

Have been feeling rather led by God recently in a number of different things and I'm quite certain (as much as I can be) about what's gonna happen in foreseeable future... This is a good thing and thankfully, God gives me insights about things earlier than He needs to coz I'm a total planner and would otherwise get frustrated (I think He'll do something about that soon!)

Of course, He doesn't necessarily lead others who are close to me in the same way so it's a little bit scary because whilst I don't have issues with my life, I do with other people's and how they influence mine... er... does that make sense...

Anyway, it's Scott's birthday today and he is officially a teenager... that is really really scary...
But for now I'm too tired to think, so I'm gonna go!

Something just occurred to me. In my blogs I have a slight tendency to comment on not so good things that are going on in my life. This kind of made me think and what it comes down to is that I need to vent sometimes. Otherwise I bottle things up and carry them around. I let them manifest within me and I know how difficult and painful it is to give over old hurts to God.

I always think it is like a rose bush. As an infant, within us God has planted a seed that is a rose. When we grow, if we do not allow Him to be our Gardener, the beautiful roses get lost amongst thorns and dead folliage. We find ourselves being stabbed and pricked by the thorns and out outlook on life is depresssed because our Garden is not beautiful anymore. God allows us to rip up this old damaged garden and start again, but that hurts more than anything else ever could. You fight this battle of the deeply embedded thorns hanging onto your soul and flesh whilst God in all His power rips and pulls it out. There, with scars you are left to bleed, totally empty. But that emptiness is not bad. It is a great relief. Then our loving father comes along and gently heals the wounds and replants a beautiful rose. When you experience the refreshed feeling of a perfect rose that is your heart, you never want to let it be damaged by the wind and water and stones that come from life. The truth is you can't stop the damage, but you can allow the Gardener to pull away the thorns as they appear. A lifetime of this gives us a life of fullness and joy and love.

Right now, I have a lot of thorns appearing. There are problems with Scott that cause so much stress and pressure, there is financial problems at home, school is tough and there is far too much work to do, Antony and I don't get much time together and then daily a whole host of other minor issues pop up. But you know what, despite the outward appearance, I am actually doing ok. I get frustrated and annoyed. I cry sometimes. But I always know that in the morning I will be ok. Things will get better. The troubles will pass. And my Gardener is paying extra special attention to my vulnerable garden. And so I know that things will be fine.

You know how we have these Bible versus that get thrown around all over the place... well at the moment, Jeremiah 9:11 is very true for me. He does know the plans for my life and I am sure that they are only for the better.

I also love this verse in Ecclesiastes "To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner He gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God"

I first read this verse and thought it kind of selfish. That some people should just get everything. That our God works on a deserve-based system. But I think God is just saying that we should not seek to gain everything the world desires, and if only follow Him we will be rewarded for faithfulness and obedience by His precious gifts. With this thought in mind, I have recently been questioning MY plans for next year when I finish school. Yes they were based on what I believe God has provided me with gifts and interests in and yes, I had every intention to offer my life up to Him, but perhaps I was just a little too focussed on what I thought God needed, instead of what He actually needs... We shall see....

All I can do now is to hand it over to Him. Live for today. Forget about how I need to do maths homework tomorrow night and rather, focus on the legal assignment that needs doing today. School can seem so mundane sometimes, but I guess in life there will always be periods of stress and times when we think everything we do is pointless. Although, another thought just came to me... In the last year, I have seen three of my school friends begin a journey with Christ... so is school a total waste of time? Hmm, perhaps not!

But for now, I think I might go finish a legal studies assignment whose due date is looming!

Please pray for:

1. Scott and whatever it is that is going on in his life. That I learn to have tolerance and that I can be as well equipped to learn and assist with his choices.
2. School - that I will be sustained in both energy and commitment and that hard work is rewarded
3. That I will continue to seek after God first and that circumstances don't pull me away
4. Money and resources both for me personally and for the family
5. For safety, especially with Scott
6. That His plan for me in the future will become clearer and that whatever I need to fulfill these will be provided.

Nice Day

Wow, tonight I feel really good. That's odd for me lately. I mean, I am coping fine, but things have just been tough. Scott reckons he's going to stab me now... nice huh?

Yay for me... I survived my first party where there was alcohol. Most people would be thinking what is the big deal about that... but to be honest, for about two years I have been turning down invites and not going to things where drinks are available because I was not sure I am strong enough. I mean drinking in itself is not appealing... it smells really gross. But I'm the sort of person who either is very strong against the crowd I'm in... or I blend in really well and adapt to the mood of it. So basically, I was afraid I would start drinking coz everyone else was.

So I went along and Antony was there. I didn't think my other friends would drink... but they did. But it was all sweet. When I saw my friends drinking, I had a mild temptation, however it was nothing a can of coke couldn't cure. I'm happy now. I really don't see the point in being all good and moral with things like that if you can't even be sweet about it. What I mean by that is some people go "oh, I don't drink or smoke or yadda yadda yadda" but then they also get so tied up in their Holy Club. That might be a little harsh and I have fallen into the trap. But last night I realised how good it is to be at things like that with pre-christians and show that you can be just as interesting. I was surprised though... nobody made out. That's a very normal thing to happen at parties.

Today I went out with Antony for the first time in nearly 2 months. It was lovely to be able to spend time alone with him and even though all we did was go to south bank to eat subway and cold rock and see pink panther, it was actually really fun. I kept thinking... "gee this is fun"

Something else... hehe, braces don't make a huge difference when you kiss. I can tell you this from personal experience. Well except when you don't have braces there is minimal risk of getting your lips cut. Wow, I was thinking today how boring a relationship would be if all you did was kiss. Like seriously, it's a nice little thing on the side, but omg, it was just be so lame if that's all you did. I know people who are like that. Lameness.

Gunna go watch gymnastics on tellie now. C u's.

School Shmool

I can't sleep right now... why? This is why. I love to write, it is the thing that puts me most in touch with who I am and how I am feeling. It is my communication. I can read things I wrote from days, weeks or years ago and immediately know how I was feeling and who I was, how things have changed.

So why can't I sleep? Today I had another piece of writing rejected at school. We've been back for 7 weeks now, and in that time we've had an english assignment (a short story) and a drama assignment (play about personal experience), we also have a feature article for english to write. Of 4 drafts for these assignments that I've now handed in, all of them have been critisized harshly. Not because they're terrible pieces, but because they don't meet the pretty little mould that I am expected to write for.

I tell it how it is. That's what I do when I write. I let my soul into it and so when someone says that my work (which was forced initially) does not meet standards, then it strips me of more and more energy. For example, drama, we have to write this script about feminism, so I chose something and when I wrote about it, my teacher said it was an R rated Home and Away. It was something that really happened and I told it how it was. I made my point. So how dare someone say that my experiences are not valid?

Right now I want to give up on school. I am so tired and sick of trying so hard and being told it doesn't meet the standard. It makes me feel stupid. It makes who I am less important. Why should I bother with all of this extra stress? What does it gain me? The same education that practically every other kid gets! But I don't feel educated... I hate it so much. Could I not just learn at my own free-will rather than being force fed all of the thoughts and feelings and values that I am expected to have? I want to love learning, but all I feel now is loathing. I don't care about ANYTHING regarding school. I am tired and creatively, emotionally and mentally stripped of everything I know. In the true ecclesiastes style, it is all meaningless. Does knowing how to quote the works of Shakespeare gonna make life any richer? Is being able to spew out politically correct jargon and repeat the thoughts and whatever of all the "heroes" (or so they are called) going to get me anywhere?

Shakespeare said that there is "method in madness" well I promise you, I feel mad, but there is absolutely no method. I really really can't stand this and have not got the energy to sustain such useless, meaningless, pointlessly riduculous and plain boring crap that is dished out to us.

I say to education: stop stripping me of my individuality. Stop making me another product of a self-righteous system. Give back my identity. I want to be me and not some robot child.

Strong words? Yeah maybe, but hey, I like to tell it how it is. You want me to think, well these are my thoughts. They may teach us strong words to use to support their crummy arguements, but I can reverse it back in their faces. I need to do something with my life that has value and point. And I guess that's it. Perhaps tonight I will rest?

Science Proves the Bible exists. Good read!

The Bible is real, and thanks to science, this can be proved. Allow me, Dr Cassandra Ayres Ba.Bio PHd. Chem Ba. App Phys. (hehe, I wish LOL) to enlighten you...

Chemistry: From chemistry, we learn that all things that exist are made of matter. Matter has mass and volume. It has dimensions. If something has mass, it also has atoms. Atoms make things. I, for example, am made of atoms and molecules... now would you say I don't exist? No, I didn't think so. You can in fact see me. Now the Bible is made of atoms. It has mass, volume and density. Therefore, it is real.

Physics: What goes up, must come down. For something to go up, it must be real! How do you throw something up that doesn't exist? You can't. Therefore, it can be concluded that the Bible is real, because we can throw it, and it will come back down. Furthermore, if we were to put a Bible on a car seat and drive really fast, then suddenly stop, the Bible would fly forwards. This is an example of inertia (the tendency of a body to remain in the same state unless acted upon by another force). You can't apply inertia to something that is not real. Momentum is basically how much force an object has... now I don't know if you've ever been Bible Bashed, but I am sure you would agree, there is an awfully large amount of momentum! It would be worse with more Bibles... can you imagine.

Biology: The Bible is living. It is written on paper... paper comes from trees... trees are living organisms with both simple and complex cellular structures. Therefore, if trees are real and living, then paper is real and living, so the Bible is REAL AND LIVING.

So there you go, science does in fact prove the Bible is a real and valid thing. Since Christianity is founded on the Bible, which is real, then we can also deduct that Christianity is real. Wouldn't you say?

Some thoughts from today

I just thought I'd say that I had a really nice day today. I mean, it is 6.30 and I haven't yawned once, which is fantastic!

Had a bit of a breakdown this week coz of stress. It's odd, because I didn't even think I felt stressed, but apparently things can pile on top of you without even realising! One would think I have figured that out by now... but obviously not.

As I was saying, church was good. I am coming to realise more and more that within our church alone there are just so many needs and opportunities. Like I was talking to some Moonyah guys (who by the way, absolutely ROCK!) and in light of my brother recently taking up graffiti and nikko pen/paint pen sniffing, I find their testimonies really enlightening.

Actually, to be honest, I am pretty scared about the whole situation with my bro. I was talking to Chris (YOS) just about how to encourage people to make right choices, but also understanding that they have free choice. I mean seriously, when you see your friends make bad choices, you can feel upset and just wanna scream and shake them and trying to knock sense into them, but in the end, you're not related to them and you can detach... can you or should you do that to your own family? We watched a video at church this arvo about street kids in Bris, and it scared me... not because they were a bunch of kids discussing what various paint colours do to you (apparently pink makes you see clouds, silver makes you go off your face, black makes you hallucinate... there you go, you do have control over yourself!Hehe), the reason it scared me was because I could picture my 13 year old brother there, when I am 23, being 19 years old and sleeping under the goodwill bridge. I watched that video and I felt hurt by the fact that people have to live that way... so to come home to your brother who claims to hate life, wants to drink, wag school, smoke and smell things... How can I explain that feeling? How do I lovingly lead him in a safer path? I fear that I can't!

So aside from these thoughts that have just come to mind, my day has been lovely... I haven't had to do anything and it's been relaxing. Praise God for the Sabbath... whatever day that may be!

Well, well, well. It has now been 2 months since I got my learners. I still am an awful parker, although I can get it sometimes. I think I just freak out and don't give myself enough space, but the actual driving bit is pretty good. Mum still stresses, but I think it's moreso because her little girl is sitting behind a wheel... driving! Only mummy's drive. Soon she won't have to whinge about being Mum's Taxi. Parents must find that kinda scary.

Hehe, funny thing happened today... Guess what happens when you press the panic alarm 6 times, in an attempt to turn it off? BEEP BEEP BEEP *dog barks and jumps over fence, goes mental and whines* BEEP BEEP BEEP *Cassie, stop pressing the @!*%#$! thing* BEEP BEEP BEEP *all the neighbours come out to see what's going on* BEEP BEEP BEEP *Cassie wonders why it won't stop* BEEP BEEP BEEP *Mother gets stressed and asks how many times I pressed it* BEEP BEEP BEEP.... Then it stops. Cassie has learnt a new life lesson... in your attemp to use the keys to open boot, do not press little red circle button.

Ah, the things we learn!

For a starter, I need to whinge about the fact that I haven't had a comment for 6 blogs now. I feel very unloved.

But I have what could be both good and bad news. That is that my family may be moving to Lawnton in April. So yeah, it's good because it would mean I get a bit more personal space, as the house we may move into has 6 bedrooms. So yeah, that'dbe good. It all depends on whether the person in it moves... he is my mum's friend and he is considering moving to Thailand with his Thai wife. He's pretty sure he wants to, but he wants tenants who he knows and trusts (we are that). So basically, it would be good for space reasons and we'd also have a pool... and the rent would be the same as what it is here!

The bad of course is that the time I would need for travel would be a lot more. That could be an inconvenience. But then mum also said we'd organise for me to get a car in July if we did move, so that I wouldn't be hanging around lawnton train station at night... oooh scary.

But I'm pretty positive about this... I need a bit of change so this could be good. That's my news.

Pray for...

Yay, I forgot to say that now there are two girls going to church that are from SAGALA. Emma and Danielle are both in high school (I'm pretty sure Danielle is yr11 and Emma yr10, although I could be wrong). Danielle is really nice and Emma is heaps of fun to be around. (She also has her nose pierced, which makes he even better. LOL) Anyway, it's pretty exciting that they are going to church now, and it's all because of how God has used SAGALA. Praise God. I think it's a really valuable ministry and I'm so glad to be a part of it. For the last few weeks, it has been the highlight of my week! Emma didn't go to it on Friday night, but I found out on Sunday it was because she went to a christian concert thing at CCC - I'm like, how cool is that?

So pray for Emma and Danielle, that they keep coming along to church and that others will come along side them, making them feel welcome and showing them God in all His glory!

Being a Car - analogy by Me

In this life, I am a car. Everyday, I am driven a whole stack of km's. I'm sometimes pushed hard, take some tough corners and generally, things are pretty fast, even if they are repetitive. I never know what's going to happen.

Everyday, a little light comes up on my dashboard that says I'm running low on petrol. I need to go to the Petrol Station to re-fuel. But I usually ignore it, and keep going anyway. Then I wonder why things seem hard. I get mad when I break down on the side of the road, even though it was probably my own fault. I should have paid more attention to the signs.

Sometimes I do stop at the petrol station, but in my impatience, only allow myself to half refill. The fuel that I did stock up on, I failed to pay for.

I think most christians find it embarrassing to admit to failing to stock up regularly on their fuel. But I've actually decided it's better for me to admit it, because then I am more likely to change it. So yesterday afternoon, I spent a long time just in prayer and reading and I honestly feel so much better for it today. I also decided that my Sunday's are truly going to be a relaxing time for me... that means doing absolutely anything I want and not doing anything I don't want. I need this time so that I don't breakdown on the side of the road.

I am afraid

Living this life is scary... Everyday you and I wake up and we don't know what will happen. To say that you only hope for the positive is a little like denying the fact that something bad could happen.

Sometimes I get scared. I am particularly afraid right now, because I am realising that I need to cope not on the strength of others, but on God's strength alone. Why is this scary? Because if I fail to reach out far enough, then maybe I won't cope!

I know Him to be my strength and comfort and source of affection and love, because I have experienced it so many times. But I am still afraid.

I am the child who knows her Daddy won't leave her, but I'm also the child who in knowing this, wants to grip onto everyone and everything she sees - because she's tried to look after herself before, and she knows it doesn't work.

So now I just have to hang on with everything I can. Although I grow more tired and things begin to threaten me. People go and things change and I know this year is one of change for me. Change is something to worry about.

Lord, help me not to fear! Amen

Lifies and my girlies

Wow, it feels like I haven't blogged in ever... but actually it's only been about a week (or just under) so... what's happened in my?

I got my braces off, which is just fantastic. So now I am feeling very pretty. Yay. Bec came back to Bris and I have missed her lots and lots and I will miss her even more when she isn't in the country! But still, it's always nice to see 'er!

My driving is improving immensely. I can finally park and sort of reverse (but not reverse park LOL) and mum doesn't fear her life these days... which is always good!

Tonight we had a special night at SAGALA where the girlies were split into small groups and then we discussed issues about beauty and what it means to be a girl... I had the lovely 11yr olds. It was encouraging to see that they genuinely were happy about who they were and how they looked and I guess we can only pray this continues. I remember being 11 and despising my appearance, so I hope that this means for them they will take their positive dispossitions into adolescence. But the scary thing is that many of them told me about two or three girls they know who are already starting dieting and critisizing themselves! It's just horrible to know that everyday young women get sucked into superficial things, but actually to them it is life changing and can completely destroy their lives!!!

Pray for the girlies and tell 'em they're beautiful!