Goals

Semester 2 Goals:

1. Submit all assignments 1 week early (keeping good efforts of semester 1)
2. Wag less
3. Study 5 hours a week minimum
3. Become fatter. Semester 1 did great things in causing a 4 kilo weight gain. V. impressed. Intention, gain another 4, then maintain. Will be happy then
4. Spend less, save more... or just save something
6. Read for pleasure - 1 book a fortnight
5. Appreciate Antony and other friends more

Ambitious I know, but with God all things are possible, right?!

:(

I feel sad. Don't really know why, but I do. I think it is because my knee is still in the brace. It has been 7 weeks, and was only meant to be 4 - 6 weeks. But it is going to be about another 2. Which makes it 9 weeks before I can bend my leg, which really sucks. I am sick of public transport because the seats are always taken, or if they are not, there isn't enough room to sit down properly. And it takes me twice as long to walk anywhere. I hate steps, which by the way, qut has thousands of. I am ALWAYS late to uni because of transport and mobility issues. Sick of being looked at and treated like an invalid. The brace is hot and yucky and I can't find many clothes to wear comfortably with it.

Really I am just disappointed because today I was hoping I could take the brace off, but plans changed. I feel sad.

Week 1

Well, tomorrow is beginning of week 2 of uni. So, everyone says it's a big change and I won't disagree. In my first week, I got lost and missed a tutorial, met stacks of new people - some I really like, some I really don't, and I have already had an overwhelmed moment.

I have realised that I love control and the feeling of independance. So this week I had a bit of a downer because I haven't been able to control the whole uni thing... I have minimal control over what time I get to uni, I can't control if the lecturers decide to publish our readings... I can't control anything and it really is driving me a little crazy! And not being able to walk properly because of my knee really makes me feel dependant... I can't drive and I can't really carry things myself etc. So I guess I have always known I have a need for control but I have only just been reawakened to it.

I know that everything will work out, my knee will get better (which it is, daily and that's a real encouragement to me because it was slow progress to begin with, but now it is going really fast) but for now, I just have to push through all the junk.

Aside from that, the whole uni thing is exciting... I am so glad I have started... I feel motivated because I actually want to be there. Trust me, nothing gets me up at 5am 4 days a week unless I really want to be awake for it!

Daily Woes

Boys think they are so funny. So Antony is here right now and he hasn't shut up for about 30 minutes now and basically, he's putting this bogan type voice on... omg I am laughing so hard!!!

Anyway, I went to church today, very exciting... I left the house yay!!! I wish I had more people to talk to... so that's why I am going out for coffee with Bev tomorrow.

Antony is great. He's been here helping me do everything... getting me into cars and taxis, making me lunch and breakfast, retrieving ice packs and various other daily requirements... cleaning up after me... Every cripple should have an Antony. And he's great company, I love him...

(He reckons I am sucking up and want something now... only an engagement ring to be honest)

Not Tired

My body clock is messed up and the stupid thing is that I have no legitimate reason. It's after midnight and I don't feel at all tired. So I am really bored, again which is kinda the story of my life at the moment.

I look forward to starting uni. No... I look forward to finishing uni because I inevitably will loathe studying, that's simply a fact... but anyway, I was looking at the subject assessment for first year and comparitively to year 12 looks rather pleasant. One unit, I get to do online quiz's and surveys for like 30% of my grade which is pretty awesome if you ask me! Oh and then there is a 1000 word essay and I can't even write out a grocery list in 1000 words!

Hehe ask me in 6 months what I think of uni and I assure you it will be a different tune!

Still not tired.

Hospital Dramas

I haven't blogged in over a month, but I am fairly sure nobody actually cares, since I have no "why don't you blog" type comments. Oh well nobody loves me.

So I will just talk to myself.

It has been a week since I left hospital after my knee operation. I had a patella stablisation which entailed a laterell release and mediol advancement, which can also be call plarquation. In lamens terms, I had one muslce loosened up, one tightened up and the whole point is so the muscles that support the knee cap work together and at equal strength because before the operation one of my muscles was overactive and pulled my knee cap out, which hurts. A lot. Like really hurts.

Anyway, hospital was an interesting experience. When I was in the recovery ward, I had really low temperature and blood pressure so they were like, nah, you can't be admitted yet. Then when that got stabilised, I was in stacks of pain, so they pumped me up with lovely liquid drugs that kinda make your head go a little funny... ahh to the blessed painkillers. BUT THEN I wasn't breathing properly. A side effect of the general anaesthetic is that sometimes it makes your brain slow down and think you don't need to breathe. So before I could be admitted into the normal ward, they said I needed to be breathing about 12 - 14 times a minute, but I was breathing about 7, which isn't good.

So two hours later I was put in a ward with 3 other post-op women, all with knee issues and I was probably the youngest by about 30 years. Gotta love it. I discovered that hospital is not a quiet place, the lady next to me had a urinary tract infection (which I learnt all about through the doctors and nurses who were speaking loudly at normally quiet hours of the night) and so she was buzzing every twenty minutes, and then every two hrs they did our obs but I was always the last one, so should I have managed to sleep, I got woken up by the first lady who made her complaints known.

Day 2 I had to go to the toilet (by the way, bed pans all night... lovely!!!) so the nurse got me up and I awkwardly hobbled into the loo, she said to buzz when I was done. So I did, but then I got this overwhelming dizziness and I'm like "oooh, I really need to spew" and I buzzed again, but they didn't come, so in my sorry state I tried to get out of the bathroom, but passed out. 5 minutes later, I felt two nurses pick me up and put me on the bed and I was sweating lots and felt sick and they were like, keep your eyes open and I didn't want to.

This whole passing out experience happened about 6 or 7 more times in the four days that followed. Pain and painkillers and shock from surgery caused it. I'm much better now.

Except that it still hurts and physio sucks and I am SERIOUSLY bored. I have nobody to talk to, I can't go anywhere, I miss my car so much. Even having a shower turns into a huge event. So basically, my day consists of waking up at midday or later, eating, playing the sims, speaking to Antony for a very short time because the mobile costs heaps, then going to bed sometime shortly after dinner. It's so lame and I am really lethargic because of lack of activity and my eyes are all mirky. Eww.

I cannot wait to start uni and get up and be active again! Until then, I will be lonely and bored.

And then it dawned on me...

I spoke in my last blog about needing a God nudge to work out my future, and I am proud to say that I have recieved it.

For years I have been keen to study psychology, however lately I had been feeling like it may not be the profession for me... at least not yet. I thought that I might find it too hard to cope with, considering my recent struggles with depression and also, it is a 6 year degree with not a whole lot of chance of employment at the end.

So I applied to qtac anyway thinking that at least I could change my preferences. In the meantime I searched for fulltime positions. One, I came second for, based on lack of experience and one I was about to be offered however a resignation was withdrawn and therefore I was no longer needed.

This week however, I was in some deep prayer and like "ok God, I kinda would like to know what I should do...." but He didn't say anything. I went to bed.

Next morning it hit me... and I changed my preferences to nursing at qut. I am so excited to be starting nursing next year and just amazed that it has been staring at me quite bluntly for so long! I don't think I have felt so excited about a "career move" in, well, ever.

So that's that, I am gonna be a nursey nurse.

Our new youth group leaders are great, Antony is great. I got an OP 7 which is awesome considering I took 2 months off school this year due to illness, failed to stay awake for more than 10 minutes per class, picked subjects I hated and worked 15 + hrs on average every week. Ode to life! LOL So perhaps my lifestyle will have to change for next year hehehe

BUT I was thrilled to see that I got an A for QCS! I couldn't care less about the OP score, but I feel smart for getting an A. If only I had tried in year 12 I may have been one of these smart ppls but oh well.

Decisions Decisions

Learning a few lessons at the moment. Kinda tough times but HOPEfully I can remain JOYful and PEACEful.

I've decided to abandon my fear of judgement and do what I need to do. I, like many others ignore what is best for me and what is in God's will because of fear of what others will do, say and think. In the end though, that doesn't really matter coz God is all powerful and promises that all things will work for the good (eventually). And also, I figure that if people do not approve of my decisions or mock me because of them, I will know what the status of that relationship is!

Needless to say, I am still struggling to make decisions but I am going to keep waiting for a God nudge. It will come.

No net

Once again my internet is being difficult and so I find myself at Strathpine shopping centre again because there are computers here. What would I do without it?

Anyway, I am realising how busy I used to be and how much better the simple life is. Seriously, I have so much time and energy and I have only been on holidays for two weeks. It is truly amazing lol.

My session is nearly over so I off I go.

Humans are territorial

I have come to the conclusion that men are a strange species. It is almost as though they spend every second of the day scanning their surroundings for a potential girlfriend (or hook up). I mean sure, women do this to an extent, but I know that I for one do not look at every guy I meet as potential. Granted, I have a partner, but even when I didn't I was never obsessed with guys!!!

In the last 6 months I have felt almost inundated with offers from various people (I say people because it included one female...) and I have noticed that when it comes to dating, men are not humans, in actual fact, they lose all of their higher order thinking and what you see is the pheromones (sorry if that is spelt wrong). It is this that causes the charm, the chattiness, the eagerness to impress, the clinginess, the stupid stunts and the animosity towards other male contenders.

But it isn't all a bad thing... I mean think about animals. How good must it feel for the female to know that two men want the privelage of being "intimate" with her so bad that they will fight to the death for the right. She must feel pretty special. So I guess it is the same thing with humans. Ok, so men don't fight to the death, and they are not exactly ONLY fighting for the privelage of intimacy (although in most cases it will ultimately end that way should he be truly successful) but nevertheless, they will do nearly anything to get the gal.

This leads me onto my dear Antony. Now he knows I love him and that no one else could ever receive a glance, because he's everything I want and all the mushy stuff, and he knows all this. However, when he knows that I am being pursued (we're still using animal language here) he becomes very defensive. He is not happy that another male is trying to move in on his property. So his first response is usually one of passive aggression towards the other (thankfully not all of the higher order thinking left, otherwise blood would be shed), then it becomes a mood of protectiveness, then finally, one of extreme affection.

At the end of the day, the Alpha male can rest knowing that his female is still in his territory. He knows that he must rejuvinate his strength for he never knows what kind of opponent tomorrow may bring.

At the end of the day, the Chosen female rests not fully comprehending why her male is being so defensive when she only has eyes for him, but does not bother questioning it, rather watches as her male goes to battle to prove his love for her.

And the crazy thing is... we're talking about humans here!

Beautiful

Since I finished school, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on adolescence (even though I'm still in it for another 2.5 years grr) and school and I guess womanhood and how truly valuable it is.

I think both the church and secular society has completely missed the point of what it means to be a woman. I think God created Eve and her daughters to be beautiful, desirable, lovely, captivating. So let's think about this. Beauty... sure, we see the cultural notions of beauty. Tall, thin etc and it is the goal of many women to be this, which is why you can seriously increase sales by using the "fat free" claims. But anyway, most women don't fit the stereotype of media beauty and consequently doubt themselves and I find it sad. The other way to consider beauty is what many churches and motivational groups do and make claims that beauty is nothing to do with the physical, it's all who you are. So society can really be broken up into the women who strive to be physically beautiful and women who forget about physical beauty in the search for inner beauty. But here is something to consider... maybe God wants us to be both.

I think a woman is most beautiful when she knows that she is desired and is playing an irreplaceable role in whatever she is doing. For example, I know that I personally feel most whole and exude the most "inner" beauty when I am in the company of Antony. Why? Because I know that he desires me, that he is captivated by me physically and emotionally. Great news is that we don't need a man for this, because we have Jesus.

Personally, I am sick of seeing women at church hide behind old hairstyles in an attempt to not be noticed or because they feel inadequate compared to magazine girls. Sure, if they are comfortable how they are, that's great and I certainly do not condone women being over the top, I guess I am simply saddened to see beautiful women hide because they are afraid or have been wounded in the past. I am sick of seeing women hide behind their business and not giving others a chance to simply get to know them. Think of Mary and Martha... Jesus did not want to know about how clean the house was or how well the women could cook, he simply wanted to know them. To be in the presence of beautiful women. So why do church women spend so much time doing the chores and "pleasing" everybody?

My next gripe is when women want to do a man's job. Now I am all for equality and bla bla bla but seriously, men want to be strong, to be capable and who are we to stop them?

Imagine, a society where women had the balance between physically caring for themselves to be attractive and having a calmness, compassion and strength that makes a beautiful soul. Imagine these women were valued not because of the things they did, but because of their very presence. Imagine our men were strong and capable. They wanted to care for, desire and love their ladies, and the ladies loved it. God created man and women to need each other. Adam needed Eve as much as she needed him. Women say they can do anything they don't need a man... that is pure selfishness because our men actually need us.

For so many years I have been afraid that I too may actually be beautiful. It was a word that I thought too strong to use for myself. I am learning however, that God created me, the Daughter of Eve to be a reflection of the persona of God himself. Woman is God's beauty in life form. Man is God's strength in life form. So you know what, I will not be afraid to be vulnerable, I will let people see a calm and passionate soul. I will allow people to enjoy my company, desire my presence so that I may be a true reflection of a loving God. And the cool thing is, every woman can be that without being a 1950's housewife. That is ultimately what a lot of us are scared of, that vulnerabilty and submission is only accomplished by being the good wife, good mother, get no say lady. In fact, you can be beautiful no matter what you do. Ask God what it means.

"Am I lovely?" says a little girl to her Daddy "Yes, my Princess, you are MORE than lovely!"

Car Troubles

Car troubles...

Well I am the subject of pay out this week because of a potentially costly mistake... For about a week or so I noticed that my car (Cecil) was making strange scratchy metal sounds and I couldn't work out why. So I took it to the mechanic (twice) and he drove it around but on both occasions it wouldn't make the noise, so he couldn't do anything about it. Then, mum asked me if I had been checking the oil and radiator cooler water and I said yes I had done that. HOWEVER Cevine (Sa-von) mum's fiance checked it and I had absolutely NO oil and NO water which was the reason for my noises.

It turns out that I checked it wrong. See I put the stick in (when the engine was cool) and I pulled it out, wiped it, put it back in and pulled it out again, but what I didn't know was that the little drizzle of oil down the side of the stick is not what you use to measure it. So there I was thinking that I was doing it right, and I wasn't!

I nearly killed Cecil. Oops. And then to make things worse, I was telling my story to the guy who drove us to the formal whilst we were waiting and he said "it's just as well you're pretty. You'll have to rely on your looks to get you through life."

I felt like a bimbo.

Formal Photos

Well I tried to post my formal photos on here and it just took ages, so if you'd like to see them, go to http://crazycassandra.spaces.live.com and you can see them!

Finished

Well I am officially finished and may I say, it's a great feeling. The formal was great and I will post pictures soon, but I cried at the end of the night. I never thought I would, coz I have hated school since hmm, day 1 of year 8 and largely it was because of the people and the expectations... but for some reason I got so emotional and once the tears started I was a total wreck. How shamed! Arrrgh, anyway, I think my tears were a mixture of regret for not ceasing the opportunity for so many potentially great friendships, fear of the world out there, tiredness, relief and just because! I'm alright now, no more tears and I am so happy to be finished, I won't let myself have regrets and I'm excited for the future which I have no idea about! Yay!!!!

Finishing...

Well, I have finished all of my high school exams and assignments forever. Geez this is a freakin' awesome feeling.

My graduation and formal are next Thursday (16/11) and I will certainly post pictures. I can't wait but until then, it's just chilling!

The end is near

Oh my gosh... tomorrow is my last two exams EVER (or until I continue with further study...) but anyway, I am so excited!!!

Legal studies prepared essay, followed by audition pieces for drama. I can taste the freedom already!!!

Then after that, 2 more school days of doing nothing, then alternative program where I go to school once or twice and then graduation and then formal!!!

I want to scream in excitement!!!

I had to sing this song in primary school and it said "all good things must come to an end *piano bit* the river of time keeps moving on *piano bit* we must say goodbye my friend...."

I change the words "all bad things will come to an end *piano bit* the river of time keeps moving on *piano bit* we will say goodbye Kedronites..."

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And I have returned

Wow, I haven't blogged in over a month! This would by and large be due to the lack of internet connection I have had... grr it was so annoying!!! But I am back now, in case you missed me...

So what has been happening?

Moved house, it's cool I like my new house. We've started renovations so at the moment we have a smashed up bathroom and doors without handles. Crazy and apparently this goes on for a substantial amount of time... I can't wait to start painting! But it's been interesting adjusting to the extra travel time. My life is still based in Stafford so I am driving a lot more places which means I have to get up about an hour earlier and go to bed an hour later... so tiring!

Tomorrow is my last official "learning whilst at school" day. After tomorrow I have a week of exam block (in which I have 3 exams) and then a week of "alternative program" and then my formal and graduation! Then it's over. For good. No more school... strange. You know how when large groups introduce themselves to each other and go like "I'm Cassie, I go to Kedron and I am in year 12" well I won't be able to do that anymore. Not that I ever did coz that is the lamest introduction humanly possible.

As for next year... hehe what should I do? I have applied for uni and I am confident I will get in... but do I want to go? I am seriously contemplating a gap year and working to save some money and just sort myself out, find out what I really want to do with my life. I fear that if I start uni I won't have the motivation to finish it, plus a break would just be fantastic!!!

In January I am having my knee operated on finally. It is progressively getting worse and I've started to develop arthritus in it, so the surgeon is kinda thinking it might be good to fix it (I could have told him that about a year or two ago but anyway...) I am looking forward to the operation because it should give me some freedom and stuff with my knee, but it will be scary and painful at the same time.

And for now that's all. I am hungry and tired!

Check out my photos from drama camp on my "say cheese" blog. They're cool.

Exciting

My Mum and Cevine are engaged!!! And I get to be Mum's bridesmaid yay!

Stop the Traffick

This Saturday we are having a divisional prayer night for "Stop the Traffick"

I'm really looking forward to it, especially because I am performing a drama for it. However as I write and practice it, I find that it is so hard. I don't understand what it is like to be sold as a 9 year old into a brothel and used daily. I don't understand what it means to not know where my family is, or to witness someone being shot because they say what they feel. I could not imagine being sewn up time and time again so that men would think I was a virgin... yet people in this world do know what this feels like and it's scary.

I feel like I am falling so short of the mark, like how could I be a good enough actor to portray what this is...

The key to art, whether it be drama, painting, song, dance whatever, is to feel it. To know what you're saying, to know the moves and mechanics is important yes, but you could know every word, having perfect pitch and do flawless key changes in a song, but if you do not believe it, what is the point? Nobody will feel it because it is passionless... if you're passionless, you may as well go do some equations coz they don't convey a whole lot of emotion....

So I have to learn to feel this and as I get better, I find myself crying and hurting badly for these people. Wherever you are, whatever you do, remember the victims of trafficking and pray for them.