Dieting

Well, I never thought I would go on a diet... see, I'm really fat... NO! I'm actually trying the whole calorie counting thing to try and gain weight. I downloaded a program off the net that estimates the number of calories you eat and use, then I am aiming to eat about 500 more than what I need each day. According to this site, that should give me a weight gain of roughly .5 - 1 kilo a week and in 10 weeks I should reach my target weight of about 45ish kilo (you have to account for weeks of increased physical activity and weeks where no gain happens) So I can't believe I am calorie counting, but hey, I am tired of being way too thin and clothes falling off!

My formal dress (Antony, look away now!)

I think I may just have found my formal dress... I went shopping with Rocio today and started to feel very depressed because many of the nice ones were only size 10 or bigger! When I found size 6 dresses, I would put them on and find that I could do the zip up at my hips, so by the time I pulled it up to my pancake chest, it wouldn't even stay up... and I am thinking "this is a 6?" Even the shop assisstant was baffled that not one dress in the shop would stay on! Although some could have easily been taken in a bit, but that would cost more money and they weren't in the colour I wanted.

But then I went to a place called Olive Blue on Broadway and found one that I may just buy tomorrow. It is a navy blue halter neck dress that is made of satin. It is kind of Asianish because it has gold embroidery on the front. It also has a split on the left side that happens to reveal lots of leg... which is probably my only hold back, but I think I could get away with pinning it up a little so you can't see my whole ugly leg!!! I think I just like it because it fits nicely and makes me look like I have boobs! (This is good) Also it is only $160... my kinda price range! But I don't know... decisions decisions... it's nice, but I wonder if it's just a little bit too boring or something... like seriously, I want to look gorgeous for my formal and I can just picture a bunch of other people having way nicer dresses... should I worry about that? Normally, I wouldn't want to be noticed... but for my formal... I want to be noticed! Is that a bad thing?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me....

But then at other times, who I am is quite enough.

I hear stories all the time of people being persecuted beyond comprehension, I hear of pain, I see people who go through so much more than I will probably ever know. I see illness, suffering and hurt. And I sit here in my comfortable world and say I can't handle my life! And I do stupid things in the name of "coping." I ask the questions of "why me?" and I demand from God that He gives me a break. Some people might see me as a pouting, whinging child... perhaps that's what I am?

But we can't measure pain. Everyone has their own richter scale of what hurts. I had a friend today on the bus, who was having a fight with one of her friends... basically they were being rather brutal with one another. What it came down to, was that the girl on the bus (let's call her Sarah) had allegedly gossiped about (hmm, Chelsea) who wore make up to school today because it was photos (this, I was also guilty of! LOL, cold weather does evil things to my complexion). Chelsea was incredibly hurt and dug up a bunch of other times when Sarah had gossiped. The whole situation seemed so trivial and pointless... like why does what someone say about your makeup have to play such a huge part of your friendship? But I am realising tonight that what people say matters to all of us. This fight meant a lot to those in it, even though I look over the whole thing and wish that was the hardest I ever had to deal with!

I bet I could tell my life story to someone else who has been through worse, and they might think the same thing about me. But what they cannot deny is that my experience is real, and painful for me. Just as I cannot deny that the gossiping situation was painful for those involved. No body can judge us for what makes us hurt, rather we should stand along side and build one another up. When one part suffers, we all suffer.

This comes from me knowing how it feels to be judged for hardships and the way I've handled them. Geez, how nice would it be if we were built with coping mechanisms!? Working it all out is the hardest bit. I haven't come close to working it out and I hurt nearly every day. Some weeks feel like my eyes are full of tears more often than not. I go sleepless for nights in a row, then crash. I get sick from constant stress and pressure. But, things get better somewhere... I think!

And a Good Friday Was Had by All

This poem is by an Australian poet, Bruce Dawe who is also a Christian. When I first read it, I couldn't really fully understand what was going on, but it is between two Roman soldiers who were responsible for carrying out the crucifixion of Christ.

And a Good Friday Was Had by All

You men there, keep those women back
and God Almighty he laid down
on the crossed timber and old Silenus
my offsider looked at me as if to say
nice work for soldiers, your mind's not your own
once you sign that dotted line Ave Caesar
and all that malarkey Imperator Rex
well this Nazarene
didn't make it any easier
really-not like the ones
who kick up a fuss so you can
do your block and take it out on them
Silenus
held the spikes steady and I let fly
with the sledge-hammer, not looking
on the downswing trying hard not to hear
over the women's wailing the bones give way
the iron shocking the dumb wood.

Orders is orders, I said after it was over
nothing personal you understand -we had a
drill-sergeant once thought he was God but he wasn't
a patch on you

then we hauled on the ropes
and he rose in the hot air
like a diver just leaving the springboard, arms spread
so it seemed
over the whole damned creation
over the big men who must have had it in for him
and the curious ones who'll watch anything if it's free
with only the usual women caring anywhere
and a blind man in tears.

Bruce Dawe

Ok peoples... Antony finally got his own blog... definately check it out! www.suckycook.blogspot.com yay.

No consumation... but lots of love!

Hehe, don't you just love when things go so wrong that you think everything will be bad, then it turns out better than what you ever planned?

So, Friday night, after SAGALA, I went to Antony's place to begin the 1yr celebration. It was about 9pm when I got there, however I didn't really notice the time. When I got there, he said that Tanya (his sister) had gone to the coast for the weekend and had left him in the house with basically nothing to eat. By the way, I've not eaten since lunch! So, dinner was ... a can of "chunky pepper steak" (which was cold) and rice (which was half cooked and cold) So basically, it was a mess of cold soup and cold rice and was really quite foul. But I thought it was funny! Antony kept saying that I didn't have to eat it but I'm like "no, it's fine, I don't mind" then afterwards he kissed me and I nearly puked and said "ok, it was foul, and we both taste like it! I'm brushing my teeth!"

Following dinner was the most amazing massage I have ever had! Antony actually researched on the net massage techniques! How sweet is that? Yeah, the massage was great... my favourite bit of the whole night! Then we watched a movie and I discovered that Antony loves Titanic (so do I) and also The Lion King! It was after 1am when we went to bed. Seperately of course!

On Saturday, we decided to go ice skating. The train ticket guy said to get off at Boondall station and so did another train person (because we highly doubted it) ... so we trusted them and got off at Boondall and found ourselves walking for 45minutes! We were supposed to get off at North Boondall! But ice skating was really fun and I laughed coz Antony is so unco! The only downside was that I nearly popped my knee out and all night my left knee was slightly swollen and sore. It's ridiculous... I can't do anything anymore!

Our church had a drive in movie last night, so we went to that as well and it was freezing! I think I nearly died of hyperthermia!

So yeah, it was a really good time, even though everything worked against us! And just for the record, no love was consumated... LOL. I don't understand why everyone at school thinks that just because you make it to 1yr, that you should be now having sex! What's with that?

1 year!

Well tomorrow Antony and I will have been together for a year. The time itself has gone quickly, but I feel like I know him better than a years worth. So it's kinda cool. Both of us are way too poor to get pressies for each other, so we're going to Surfers on Saturday. Should be good. But whilst thinking about this achievement (longest relationship...) I realised that I am so glad we started properly. Meaning that things have been tough enough and at times, we haven't really liked each other much, yet it could have been so much harder if the hard yards weren't done at the beginning! And haha, when we began dating, we had this big joke about how he doesn't "get any" for 6 years (which was the generally accepted time of marriage...) so now that it has been a year, I guess it's 5 years... my high school education all over again!

So I think it is fair to say that we are officially a "long-term" relationship! LOL.

Short blog!

Last day of holidays today. I don't think I've really appreciated a holiday like this before! So tomorrow I will reluctantly return, but will be optimistic knowing that I have only got 3 terms left. Anyway, I decided I would make a short blog... I got through lent... coffee tasted soooo good! Love to all!

Comparisons between school term and holidays...

School Term

6am - Unwillingly awake to the sound of an over-joyous alarm clock. Do first maths calculation of the day - how much lnger can I stay in bed for and still get to the bus in time?

6:15am - "Accidently" fall back asleep.

6:30am - Mummsy comes in ... fake fatal illness...

6:35am - Have to get up even though on my death bed.

6:40am - Drink coffee

6:50am - Try to go back to bed. Fight with mum about not wanting to go to school.

7:30am - Remember I have an assignment due. Check computer... haven't started it yet.

7:35am - Freak out!

7:40am - Remember Jesus loves me regardless of my school marks.

7:50am - Read a book or talk on msn...

8am - Go to school. Tell Brodie to NOT jump the fence. She doesn't listen and follows me up the road... this happens 3 times.

9 - 3 - Sleep with eyes open. Subconsciously retain information. Wake up for drama. Look alert on assembly and pretend I care.

4 - 10 - Do homework (hehe, a.k.a listen to music and talk on msn), write a new blog, eat food, read Bible...

11 + Ahh, glorious sleep. Smile for the first time today!

Holidays

Sometime - Wake up willingly. No alarm clock. Begin smiling.

Sometime - Eat breakfast or lunch. Admire ones face in mirror. Notice the black bags subsiding under ones eyes. Smile.

May have plans, may not. If not, go to sleep all day. Life is carefree.

Wake up, eat dinner, go to bed. Very happy.

God intended life to be simple, I agree!

State Health System

Alright, I am really, really peeved that every single day when I read the newspaper and watch the news, it is absolutelybombarded with the stories of the health system in Queensland.

Sure, it is under heaps of strain at the moment, and is showing some cracks... but let's think about this...

1. Queenslands population is increasing at an average rate of 4000people weekly. That's over 100,000 people a year, which means 100,000 more people who could get sick! Our hospital infrastructure was not designed to cater for such a rapid increase. In fact, nothing is able to cope for population booms. So we may have had problems, but seriously, cut Premier Beattie some slack! What exactly is he meant to do about it? I personally think that when we look at these issues, it needs to be addressed not only within the actual problem, but within the rest of society!
2. A lot of the cases of people who die/are seriously injured is due to their own negligence. For example, somebody with known heart problems begins to feel chest/shoulder pains at 2am but doesn't bother telling anyone until 6am when he's just about to have a full blown heart attack! What was the hospital to do about it? I know at least 3 people who have left their obvious symptoms way too long, and whilst they are now all ok (and I applaud the health system for their effort in caring for these slack individuals) it could have been fatal. I bet anything the health system would be blamed. Now tell me... is that unfair?
3. I had a referal from my doctor to an orthapeadic specialist to see if I need surgery on my knees. I was told that I would be waiting at least 6 - 12 months to see the specialist initially. However, I have an appointment for May... 3 months after the referal.

I could go on with arguments, and I don't doubt that the hospitals have problems... but seriously... cut people some slack and stop complaining! Perhaps if we all made an effort to live more healthy/safe lifestyles we wouln't have so many people needing care, then just the pure accidents and unavoidable illnesses could be dealth with!!! Individuals can made a difference. I'm gunna go have salad and fish for dinner.

Lots of thoughts

Wow, I haven't blogged in ... a whole 7 days! This isn't good because it means I may fall into the habit of being a serial non-blogger... and things in my life go so fast that a lot happens in a week!!! Haha, listening to this song by Barlow Girls... they said "I looked so hot in my mini, but caught a cold" ... sorry, I just found that quite funny!

So, what has happened? Finished school on Friday, which was lovely! I very much appreciate holidays, even if they are short. Catching up on sleep is very good. Actually, I think I offended someone on the weekend... I got up late for breakfast on SAGALA weekend and person A (whom I offended) had a go at me about if I were on Guard camp, I would be setting a bad example to the girls by not getting up for flag break. I commented that I had had a minimal amount of sleep in recent days and that I'm sure Bill Booth would approve of sleeping if it meant that I would be more physically able for God... then jokingly I said "we believe that sleep is a blessing from God and should be valued as an integral part of our spiritual development and faith" ... hmm, sometimes my smart mouth gets me into trouble. I don't remember what else Person A said, but I managed to smooth it out by diverting the converation (Person A obviously was well researched on the Booths) so I asked if she had read "William and Katherine" then I went and ate my soggy toast and cold tea.

Speaking of tea... if I have another cup of tea, I may well cry. I really really want a coffee... but it's fine, in hmm, 3 days, I can have coffee, because lent will be over!!! I've already planned a coffee date with Susanne (for Sunday after church) LOL

And now that I think of self-denial, Bek and I are for 6 weeks challenging ourselves to live as simply as possible by taking away things that we say we can't live without, but really we could! So hopefully other people from church will join us, but yeah, if they don't it should still be a good experience. As part of this, we're going to read all of the gospels in that time to get a better idea of all of Jesus' teachings esp on sacrifice, social justice and simplistic lifestyle. So if anyone has an idea of other books/chapters/verses that cover these topics well (Bec, this is largely directed at you... Miss Bible Knowledge ... that's a good thing as well! LOL) then let me know! I have still to decide exactly what I will take away, but I have a fair idea. I'm thinking of going for 3 things... 1 thing for physical comfort, 1 material object, 1 pleasure (for example TV or something... although I don't watch a whole stack of TV) I've never tried anything like this, but I'm doing it because I'm feeling as though lately God has challenged me for having a superficial faith... that is, one based on my mental/physical/emotional state, one that relies on other people, one that is easily shaken, one that knows the right answers but doesn't apply them, a faith that is not a faith at all! Yeah, so that might sound like I'm being harsh on myself, but you know, we never grow if we can't be self-critical and like I said, this is God challenging me. I don't mind admitting the afore mentioned, I do mind not doing anything about it. That is complacency, and I have NEVER liked that, and NEVER will! I've been told quite a lot lately that I don't work in greys and that I tell things bluntly and like they are... at first this comment threw me off because I thought perhaps I was offending people with my abruptness... I change my mind! Too many people pretty things up... still, I should learn to be sensitive as well! LOL

Another thing... I am realising more so lately how much I really love Antony. Like I thought I did and I did, and I thought I knew heaps about him ... and I do... but just in these last few weeks, there have been all of these little things that have happened that have taught me so much more of who he is! The crazy thing is, that a lot of it is stuff that you would think we should already know about each other! I never knew that we have the same passion for Cherry Ripes! I never noticed how much taller he is than me (I mean, I knew he was heaps taller than me) but the other day, I was standing in front of the mirror at his place getting ready (it was a full length mirror) and he came up and hugged me and I saw what other people see! He is huge! I look like I could be his 12 yr old daughter or something! It was quite funny because I don't notice the size difference. I feel like we match. He's just the right size! Perfect for from-behind snuggles, perfect for getting things from the highest shelf at the shop, perfect for picking up swingy hugs (although I scream and carry on, I really do love it!) so there you go, it's amazing what we don't notice. I also learned some not so great things, but I don't mind... it's good because now I know him more, and what makes him tick. Always good to know!

And finally, if you get down this far, you deserve to know that at this stage, I am as sure as I can be that next year in September I will not be in Australia...
I have prayed my guts out over this. I've cried (mostly because of Antony and the thought of leaving him for a whole year). I've argued. Pondered. Contemplated. Had seemingly thousands of conversations about the prospect of going to Canada for a year. And this is what I have come up with... the possible benefits outweigh the possible negatives! Very simple explanation and I believe that if it truly is a God thing then I will be accepted to go to war college and the finances will be provided. And seriously, I already believe this will happen because Mummsy said the other day that she supports me going... this is pretty amazing and it is really a fantastic thing.

Mum has not objected to my involvement with the Army. However she has not welcomed many of the choices I have made in terms of my time and life committments. We have had many conflicts and I had all but given up on the hope of her accepting my choices. It has been really really frustrating and hurtful. BUT MUMMSY IS SUPPORTING CANADA. I can't explain how important this is and how cool it is! Basically, she said "well, at least you're not going to sell drugs and become a junkie... it could be worse, you could be going there to begin an o/s pot farm!" Personally, I think all this stuff with Scott mucking up has given her perspective and made her realise that really, I am quite sensible! As for Scott, things are improving. His mates got busted by the police last week for vandalising property (mostly throwing rocks) and for using offensive language to people. Thank God Scott was at home and not with them! So now they've been shaken up a bit and he is finally coming around. Certainly isn't the end of it all, but certainly a development!

Creed... the song Lullaby "hush now don't you cry, everything will be alright"

How true?

In QCS class

Sitting here in QCS class... it's really boring and practically no one showed up... stacks of people don't even bother coming to QCS because we are the dumb class and our teacher hates us. Meh, so now we're on the computers. The Head of Dept for IT blocked me from the blog websites because a few weeks ago I read blogs instead of doing biology, but for some reason she has taken the block off... that's a little odd since she doesn't usually do that.

The last few days of term are so annoying as we don't learn anything, yet we're expected to show up. We were given our senior badges yesterday and they are so ugly... like our uniform really. Ladida... so bored, wish we had msn at school... Right, so one of the students is swinging around on his chair making car noises, another person next to me is internet surfing and someone else is printing smiley faces off the computer! This is great, all 7 of us are so incredibly bored... I'd rather eat lunch or something.

Did anyone read my absurd poem from like 2 days ago? I'm curious to know how people interpreted it... if they could at all!!!

Chicken Sitting

I'm chicken sitting for a friend... our Biology class got 8 baby chikens... they are now 2 days old and the point is to imprint them. So we got stuffed toys and things and wiggled it around in front of them. The idea is that the first moving object a baby bird sees, it will attach to and think it is it's mother. So basically, we have all of these little chickens chirping all over the place... but they are soooo cute and fluffy. Sandra couldn't look after hers tonight, so I am chicken sitting and right now it is chirping like mad! I swear they don't shut up unless you hold them.... It's really annoying sometimes.

In biology today we tested to see if they had imprinted, and most of them did except one! It was a rebel chiken. I thought that the chickens reminded me of our relationship with God... He imprints onto our lives and we should follow Him like those chickens follow their "mother" ... Anyway, I have to go and pet a chirping chicken!

Just felt like being absurd!

I was wondering if you knew whether they're going to the show?
Yes, the weather there is terrible!
No, no, I want to know whether they're going to the show!!!
I already told you that the weather isn't good... in fact, it is awful
Look, I don't care whether the weather is terrible...
It is terrible isn't it? Awful even!
Do you understand what I am asking?
Yes, of course!
What am I asking then?
You just asked me to tell you what you are asking me!
That's absurd!
Yes, who would have ever thought that someone would ask someone else to tell that someone what they just asked someone else!!!
Anyway, as I was saying...
You were saying something?
Do you know whether they're going to the show?
Yes, the weather there is terrible! Awful even!
Do you know about the show?
Yes...
See those people over there?
What people?
Those people!
There are no people...
Well where did they go? They were there a minute ago!
Oh, didn't you know?
What?
They're at the show!

In the last week of school finally. It really has gone quickly so far. I'm really happy, coz I passed chemistry. See, I planned to do final cramming and study in the last week and a half, but because I was sick, didn't end up doing that. So my exam was hard since I hadn't done any revision. I wasn't too stressed because it doesn't count for anything... all the same, I passed, with 45 % on K and a half mark for CRP which basically works out to be a SA-. That's better than this time last year, so no complaints.

Also got english results back for silly Shakespeare story which I did three times over. Yay, got a VHA- So I'm pretty happy with that. I look forward to holidays so badly, even though they are already all booked out, but hey, you get that!

Mummy had her operation today. So she's gonna be pretty sick for the next 6 weeks, meaning next term is going to be great fun, since Scott and I have to pick up all the household duties, and because Scott is a testosterone pumped little magot at the moment, I doubt that I will get much help!!!

Oh well, s'all good. I am loving this song at the moment (just remembered I like it because it's playing on my computer) It's Superchick, Fall Down "I'm not afraid to fall, it means I climbed up high, to not try is to fail" I think those words just work for me at the moment "we'll just jump and see for the 20th time, we'll just jump and see, we might just learn to fly"

I'm not afraid to fall, I've fallen many times. They laughed everytime I fell. But I get up anyway, coz I know I'll fall again!!!

Photos

Hey there again peoples... I have finally figured out how to post photos on my blog... so if you want to see them, they are in www.skubala.blogspot and then when you get to the bottom of my profile, click on the link for "Say Cheese" very telling title! LOL

Emmy Wemmy

Hey there Emmy, this one is for YOU. Just so everyone knows, Emmah is our lovely sagala girl who is also my twin because she has her nose pierced and we are both cool! LOL... We're gonna go get our hair done together, isn't that right oh halfly one (inside joke) ... Now, go organise yourself a blog!

So spent a lovely evening with Antony. Went over to his house after school yesterday. We were going to go out together for dinner or something, but it was raining, so we got pizza instead! It's cool, we agree on our pizza flavour and discovered that we both love the same kind of chocolate... Cherry Ripe!!! On Wednesday night after debating we pooled all of our $2.80 to get a Cherry Ripe at the train station. But it's wierd that we've been together for what feels like ages *20 days short a yr* and yet we didn't even know that we both adore the same chocolate!!! Cool all the same. So yes, pizza... and we watched cheaper by the dozen on dvd and agreed not to have 12 children! LOL. And because no one was there that night... yes Bec, shouldn't have been in that place of temptation... we also agreed not to start having any children whilst no one else was in the house for the next 12 + hrs... LOL, already decided long ago.

Our evening turned into tears... not happy ones or sad ones either. Tears of comprimise. My decisions are going to influence Antony whether we like it or not. This makes it hard because God talks about valueing singleness for the undivided heart. This is something I cannot say I have. No matter what happens in my life, it probably will always affect Antony and so I feel divided already in my choices. Do what God says or follow your heart for someone who has enriched your life so greatly and lovingly? It is easy to say put God first, and Antony reminded me of when he and I began dating that I said God would always come first. When it comes to the crunch, I will, but I am also so stronly attached to Antony and so it is incredibly hard just to even contemplate choosing a different path in life, even if it is only for a short time. I fear that he will feel pressured, neglected etc. So we talked. And cried. Cried a lot actually. Just because the hardest thing we may ever have to deal with is being apart! This is not set in stone, for we may not be apart ever, but it's quite possible. In the end we were laughing for no apparent reason. At some stage I think we were laughing about banana's! It's the best feeling when someone can cry with you one minute and laugh about the stupidest thing the next... literally.

I respect him also so much. I fell asleep on the couch whilst watching a movie. He was on the couch with me and could have easily gone to sleep with me. I woke alone this morning. Sure, I got picked up and carried around the place for about the next half hr, but I woke alone. Antony told me it crossed his mind that he could just go to sleep. And the truth is, that it probably would not have been a huge deal, but it is a comfort to know that he respects the parameters of our relationship even when I am not consciously monitoring them! Not that I didn't trust him prior, but I am happy with how things panned out. It gives me confidence in the stability of our relationship... and that does not become contentness, just confidence.

In saying all that, not going to throw myself into the situation of spending the night alone with him. It was a one off type thing. So Bec, relax... hehe, told mum I was 13hrs pregnant! I'm so mean! LOL

And finally, he bought me a teddy bear today! I fell in love with it and said it reminded me of him. It has white overalls on. It reminds me of him because I see the overalls as a symbol of working and prepared to get dirty. So it makes me think of him and how he will do anything for me and his servant heart towards others. I didn't fully explain it, I just said it's face reminded me of him coz it is furry! Hehe, our little joke!

I know I know, you need a kidney dish to vomit in, but yeah. People say sometimes that I am crazy for thinking of Antony and seeing us married with kiddies one day. Most teens think about the now only and don't think like that. But I wouldn't have wanted things to be any other way, I love the fact that from day 1, I saw Antony as someone I could love, trust, be friends with and one day share my entire life with. Not just someone to make out with on the couch for a few months!!!

Relationships can kill us and our livlihood, and they can rebuild us, grow us and challenge us and in fact, be the most beautiful thing in our lives!