Check out my photos from drama camp on my "say cheese" blog. They're cool.

Exciting

My Mum and Cevine are engaged!!! And I get to be Mum's bridesmaid yay!

Stop the Traffick

This Saturday we are having a divisional prayer night for "Stop the Traffick"

I'm really looking forward to it, especially because I am performing a drama for it. However as I write and practice it, I find that it is so hard. I don't understand what it is like to be sold as a 9 year old into a brothel and used daily. I don't understand what it means to not know where my family is, or to witness someone being shot because they say what they feel. I could not imagine being sewn up time and time again so that men would think I was a virgin... yet people in this world do know what this feels like and it's scary.

I feel like I am falling so short of the mark, like how could I be a good enough actor to portray what this is...

The key to art, whether it be drama, painting, song, dance whatever, is to feel it. To know what you're saying, to know the moves and mechanics is important yes, but you could know every word, having perfect pitch and do flawless key changes in a song, but if you do not believe it, what is the point? Nobody will feel it because it is passionless... if you're passionless, you may as well go do some equations coz they don't convey a whole lot of emotion....

So I have to learn to feel this and as I get better, I find myself crying and hurting badly for these people. Wherever you are, whatever you do, remember the victims of trafficking and pray for them.

Half Day

Well today is going to be exciting. I actually get a half day off.... so I am going to sit on my bum and watch tellie all day. Very thrilling.

Camp

Drama camp was awesome, learnt so much new stuff. Although it was really intense, we pretty much got up early, had breakfast and then went straight into workshops. The only free time was when we had a meal and then there were a couple of half hour blocks of free time. So, the workshops... one was on clowning and I discovered that really you don't have to do much to be funny, one was on voice, so all about articulation, working from the diaphram etc etc and that was really good. I think all of us started to make sounds we didn't know we could, so it was really enjoyable. We also worked with masks, did some spacial awareness stuff, viewpoints...

My favourite was the acrobatics though. We learnt how to do some basic acrobatic lifts. At first it was really hard for me... I was worried about my knees and because I don't do much sport, I have poor flexibility in my legs, which makes it really difficult. However I loosened up heaps and by the end of it discovered that I actually have quite good flexibility in my lower back for someone who does no physical activities and my posture and centre of balance is not too bad either. So I got photos of the lifts that we did, I'll post them when I get them.

The other cool thing about camp was that we had heaps of grade 8 - 10 students, so for those of us who are old, it was a good chance to mentor them and teach them what we know. I became the resident make up artist for the masquerade ball we had on Saturday... about 3 yr 8 girls decided that they wanted to wear makeup and so I was the girl to ask lol. Also, at the end of camp, I was told that I was "the mother of the dorm" so I don't know how to take that.... hehehe

I'm so tired now.

This weekend

8 days till we move! Tomorrow I am going to drama camp and it will be so cool. I can't wait!!! Although it will be exhausting and the day after I come home I will be going to work at 8! Then all week will be working/moving. Then the day after we move I am working at 7:30 which means leaving the house at like 6:45!!! Arrgh!

Just Jesus Man

The wierdest thing happened to me today. So I love to play the number plate game when I'm in traffic or on long trips. Basically, you use the letters and make up a meaning for them. Anyway, I am sitting at the traffic lights and I see "JJM" (by the way, heaps of plates have J's) so I thought "Just Jesus Man" so I moved on to the car next to it and saw "JJM" and I thought "woh, hang on what's happening here?" and then I realised that they were almost the same. One is "957 JJM" and the other is "575 JJM" and so my thought for today is...


wait for it...

JUST JESUS MAN!

So my plate is JOQ and I can't think of one help me out if you want!

Today

Just thought I should say that I feel great because today it is Antony's birthday. And obviously that means I am having a good day. So our plans for today are to do absolutely nothing... just snuggles and movies.

By the way, it's my birthday too. This day 3 years ago I became a christian. So Antony is 17 and I am 3. Hehe, I think that it is a cool coincidence.

Now we're gonna go watch a movie, so I am leaving.

Moving in 11 days. That's so cool!

What needs to be said

It's really sad when someone decides they don't want to be friends with you anymore. So this person in mind hasn't actually outright said "I hate you" but every day she is picking apart at everything I do. The only time she likes me is when she wants something. And if I do any wrongs by her then she doesn't want to know me.

Today I just felt like saying "you know what, ever since I met you, I have known that you backstab, tell your friends secrets to other people. The only time we've ever been close is in your times of crises when you need me for something, then you dump me for other people. And people have told me for years to give up on you because you don't act like a true friend. But you know what, I didn't give up on you because I still see value in you and love you despite the times you've hurt me. So considering that, why do you now treat me like I've never cared?"

But I didn't say that. Maybe I will say that. I think it needs to be said.

3 years have passed

Today is the 16th of Sept. This time 3 years ago at about 5:30am, I found out that my dad had committed suicide. So today I am left to reflect.

In these 3 years, I have learnt how to grieve. I have learnt to accept and to forgive him for the many wrongs he did to me. For a while, I was unable to call him Dad, it seemed too much of a compliment for someone like him. But now, I do love my Dad even if I never knew him. And the few fond memories I have, I miss.

Whilst packing up things (we're moving in 11 days!) I stumbled across a letter that his girlfriend of the time wrote to our family. It had got lost and no one has actually read it. So I read it. She talked about who he was - he was passionate about dancing and practiced all the time. He was creative and determined. He was a simple man who didn't need much in life.

But then something chilled me. I read that he actually told his g/f that he couldn't handle it anymore and wanted to kill himself. So she tried for the grand total of an hour to convince him not. But obviously an hour was not enough. So she let him go and at 8:13 that night texted and said "sorry babe, I have to do this, love you"

She knew what was gonna happen and just let it happen. It makes me really mad when I think about it because I constantly think "could there have been reconcilliation?" and if you love someone, do you just let them go?

In the times I have wanted to give up, my friends have put in such huge efforts to keep me safe and so I think, they're just my friends and they tried so hard, but she was, in her words his "lover" and why did she give up so quickly? I cannot understand this and it will take some processing.

Gotta go to work now. Interesting day, interesting life.

It's over... nearly!

Well people say that term 3 of year 12 is the hardest part. Today I finished term 3! Ok so I still have a week of school, but the exams are over and I am really proud of myself for getting through it. And all but one of my subjects I am pleased with my effort and whilst I don't know the official results, sometimes you just get a gut feeling that you did good. I have that feeling.

But yeah I am so exhausted. I just want to crash but I refuse to sleep because I'm working tonight and I know that if I sleep now I will be sluggish all night. So 9:30pm sounds really really lovely to me! And then I work 9 - 5 tomorrow (it's the last day of exam block and I have it off) so really I look more forward to 5:30 tomorrow arvo!!!

Moving On

We're moving house in 17 days. It is so exciting coz I haven't ever moved (as in I don't remember moving). We've lived in this house for 12 years now, we moved in 2 days before I started year 1! It seems so long and there are so many memories...

The night I got my puppy Crumpet. I was 7 and it was a Christmas present, but I got her on Christmas eve coz you can't wrap up a dog and pet stores weren't open on Christmas day!

The time mum nearly blew the house up! Yeah, she poured 4 litres of water over an oil fire in the kitchen. I was 9 and thought it was hilarious. My Mum swore (mostly because it was panic that caused the bad decision), my brother who was 5 cried and Crumpet stopped barking for the first time in her life. I stood there with tears coming out laughing. Needless to say, we had a black kitchen.

We got locked out one day and I was a very agile 10 year old. Mum hoisted me up onto the garbage bin and had me climb through a window to let us in! I felt like the hero of the day!

Family sing-a-longs... Bohemian Rapsedy always got us started and then Mum and Scott would ballroom dance (or they tried anyway)

And some sad memories...

Crumpet got put down.
We found out the news that Dad died
Financial difficulties

The list of things that have happened go on and on and I am only being reminded of them now as I pack up my room. I spent 1.5 hrs today doing my room and so far I have thrown out 3 garbage bags of stuff, have 4 waiting to go to salvo's bins and have one box full of stuff (and it is only books and CD's!) I imagine the packing thing will be a painful process!

Interesting

It's kind of interesting when God speaks to you and tells you that in His eyes, you were much more grown up (spiritually and in maturity) 3 years ago when you became a Christian than what you are now. But I guess I would rather be told at the 3 year mark than say at the 20 year mark (or when I enter the pearly gates) so it's all good. Now it is a matter of remembering who I was and becoming that God person again. Strangely enough though, normally this kind of thing might upset me, but now I'm just like "ok cool, where to now?"

Had a pleasant surprise last night, that the uni course I want is actually an OP 10 and there I was getting all worried just 3 days ago. I should be sweet.

Exams

I just got home from doing my maths and english exams. English was fantastic... I wrote an editorial on how people have become so obsessed with technology that they actually have faith in it, and that in a sense, they worship it. The editorial had to be based off a science fiction novel we read, which for me was Prey by Michael Crichton. So my headline was "PREY or PRAY to Science?"

So I talked about how people literally live, breathe and eat science, and how they will entrust their lives in science, they depend on science... and whilst it has many benefits, it is not a solid thing to ground your hope and faith in, afterall, it is developed by people, who are imperfect and therefore, science can and does fail.

Maths exam sucked. No comment.

I have a biology exam on Wednesday and a legal oral on Wednesday then it's all over for... 8 weeks before the next lot of exams. Yay. But then I will be finished.

Clever

I feel clever, I uploaded a photo in my profile. Yay. Still procrastinating.

Random Ramblings

So life has taken some crazy swerves lately.

I gave up on people and took up on God and so far, that's going really well for me. I have had 5 good days in a row, and when i say "good days" I mean that yeah, stuff has happened that's been crap and all, but I've coped reasonably well and life has gone on nicely.

Today the sermon at church was about finding refuge in God. And so I thought how very appropriate considering I am not always too good at that, even though I definately need it, especially at a time like now.

I have 4 exams left for this term, then I have 8 weeks of school/holiday then I have more exams, but these are the last of grade 12... my last ever school exams! And that just so doesn't feel right to say. I mean I, Cassandra Ayres, am nearly finished school forever... it's just nuts. Not long ago, it felt like I would never finish school and now, I'm nearly finished school. I just can't quite fathom it yet! Anyways, no complaints there.

At first I was a bit indifferent about the idea of uni, but now I am kind of looking forward to it. Of course, once I start and receive my first assignment it will suck, but hey that's alright at least I will start with a good attitude!

So I know this blog is totally random and somewhat lame, but I am in fact procrastinating (hey give me a break, I've just done 2.5 hrs solid maths study and that is very painful). I decided the other day that sexual temptation is the worst... why? Because it lies dormant all your life until the wrong moment. I mean we all get tempted to lie, or to over-indulge in something or to do whatever so it's no big deal... but people who have a dormant sexual temptation don't really understand how hard it is, so they can think they're very good christians for not falling in that dept., however it is not until you start to fall in love with a certain somebody or taste the temptation that it begins to awaken and so then the good christian who thought they were so strong and wonderful is falling into the temptation so quickly, and the worst part about it is that they don't even notice it coz it feels right and good...

Not that I would know about that. I had a conversation about this with a friend not so long ago and they were like "nah, that doesn't happen... you're either corrupt like me and you muck around, or you're sweet and innocent like you and you don't stuff up" and then I laughed. But people won't get it until they go there and find out for themselves that even keeping things to first base can prove quite difficult.

That was totally random but thought I should share.

People and Losing Faith

Discovered something... people are unreliable. Like really really unreliable even with important things. Well, things that I value and see as important but perhaps they don't... And when you ask people for help, they don't seem to know what to do, so they re-direct you to someone who does know, but then that someone doesn't, so they re-direct you to someone else. Before you know it, you've been re-directed so many times that it actually goes in circles and frustrates you so badly and then you want to throw your arms up and down and throw a tantrum.

So stuff people, I am tired of being let down by friends (which is to say, they forget, fail to see value in what I am asking or they just can't do anything, all of which are usually unintentional) and yeah. I have completely lost faith in everyone and I need to only rely on God which is especially hard because I have recently lost faith in Him and also, the people I have lost faith in are actually people who follow Him. I don't really know where that leaves me...