Analogies

I love my analogies, but I haven't told any in a while.

Here is two...

Right now my life is like a game of tug 0f war, and I am the red ribbon in the middle. There are two sides pulling and I flicker over the line but neither side wins. I am waiting passively for Jesus to win but in doing that, it gives satan a chance at winning also, because as long as I let myself be that red ribbon, I am controlled by circumstances.

And another...

You're driving along one day and a rock hits your windsreen. It could have been a direct throw, or it could have been an accident, you don't necessarily know, but now you've got a small crack, but it isn't too bad. So you keep driving. You think "I'll get that fixed" but months or years pass and you don't bother. It doesn't appear to be getting any worse, but what you don't realise is that the elements (or life circumstances) are actually weathering it, causing it to become deeper. One day, things are going along fine and the crack is ok. But once again, another rock hits the windscreen, and in that same unattended spot. The rock may not have been that big, but to an already damaged area, it is devastating damage. The whole windscreen shatters and now you're stranded, with no one to help you, you're damaged in a huge way that could take forever to repair and at a great cost and you're also in shock. It is the same as when people make comments about us or when we have fights with people... that crack might not seem so bad now, but what will life do to it? Is it getting worse and we don't know it? Is it going to shatter before us?

So that's just a few thoughts.

Sick

Well everyone says "oh don't be so sluggish... you're not really tired" and the last few days everyone at school has been having a go at me for sleeping in class and not concentrating. This morning I left school at 9:30 coz I was dizzy and tired and not able to swallow properly. So I went to the doctor and I either have glandjula fever or tonsilitus but most likely the later and so now I'm on antibiotics but they are giving me hives. But it's lovely to be able to actually breathe and swallow things now without crying. And for all those people going all crazy about me sleeping, well something was actually wrong.

I'm going to bed.

Skating

This is my 100th blog since February. Not bad I think.

I went to watch Bec from SAGAlA skate in her national iceskating comp. She did really really well. At this stage, she's coming 5th/22 and has another skate tomorrow to determine her place. I'm so proud of her, but sitting there freezing, I'm feeling so nervous just watching... and then when the skaters trip it's like you feel their pain...

But I always find it amazing what the human body can achieve, the way it can be manipulated. It's really cool.

Antony + Me = 16months today.

And then...

I have officially concluded that days go too fast. I used to blog every day pretty much without fail, and now I still think I am blogging that frequently, but I get on and then feel surprised when it's actually been about 3 or 4 days since I wrote last. Not that it matters but yeah, it's still odd.

I just finished another assignment (yay). Now I have one more of the current lot to finish and I'm well on track for that one.

It's pretty cruel though... you think you're nearly done with the whole late nights doing assignments, studying, going to exams thing and then you put in your QTAC application... and so it all begins again.

I've decided to go to uni... why? Because I thought I wanted to go o/s, I thought God wanted that... maybe He does, but not right now. Now that I think about it all, it was more about me getting away and trying to affirm myself by doing something cool that other people weren't doing. And it was running away from the reality that now I have to start thinking about my life and my future and how I will put food on the table and live. And quite bluntly, I need to grow up before I will be any good to anyone and before I go galavanting around the world. Not so long ago, my life felt so directed and I was so sure and now I have no idea really and I keep trying to entertain my whims and escapades... but God doesn't need a self-directed soldier who is unwilling to be trained, He needs a soldier that can trust Him, take commands and be prepared to learn and to live, even through impatience.

So QTAC applications open today. I'm going to study psychology hopefully and yeah, see where that takes me... 6 years here I come. *Shudders* that's half my education all over again. *shudders again*

Ask for directions

I'm noticing a common theme lately... that I have very poor navigational skills. I am assured this is the plight of many new drivers. In the last week, I went to Nudgee beach with my doggie and on the way home, got lost and nearly ended up at Redcliffe.

On Sunday, went to Redhill and on the way home, got minorly lost, but still lost

Then my favourite one... I had a bit of an emergency call out to pick up my brother from the city on Tuesday night... haha interesting thing, I've had my licence about 6 weeks now, never driven in the city and I was so tired as I had barely slept all week. Took me about an hr to find the transit centre, then ended up half way to Pinkenba on the way home.

So I bought a refidex because this lostness thing doesn't work well for me. And evidently my sense of direction sucks.

Contradiction

My views about assignments is kind of contradicting. See, on one hand I like them because you get time, and you know what the criteria and expectation is, on the other hand, I don't like them because they still have to be done, and rather than having a scheduled time (like an exam) you have to make the effort yourself.

And then, having them due is good in the sense that you get rid of them, but then it's bad because there is the pressure to get them completed to a standard that you like.

I started this term with 4 assignments, tomorrow I hand in number 2 of these, Monday is another one, and then the 31st in the final one. But by that stage, I will have received another 3! And then we have QCS and straight after that is exam block and this exam block is important and that's a little scary.

Tactful Advice

Don't you just love the way people think they know what is best for you? And how we immediately look for the negatives in situations and people? Today was interesting.

It commenced with an unlicenced driver sitting in my passenger seat telling me how to drive, even though everything I was doing was legal and fine, this person seems to be convinced they know how to drive. Uhuh. Although I'm not mad about this, it's more of a "hmm, can I try to make you a better driver from my observations" but I still see the comical value in it.

Then, at the moment, I am getting so many lectures from people about my efforts at school and how they think I should go to tutorials after school and bla bla bla. But these people who are saying this don't have commitments such as work, and domestic duties that simply become demanding. So I get frustrated and think seriously, when did it become your business? And why do you care if I seem tired now? Where was this "concerned nature" 12 months ago when I really truly needed it?

But it isn't finished. So far, I've spent my whole day being slammed for this and that and bla bla bla, then I receive 2 lectures about getting my auto licence and not manual. I'm like, how does it affect you? I've weighed up auto and manual and chose auto for what I think are very legitimate reasons, such as enjoying the freedom and ease of driving an auto, the fact that everyone I know has auto, that I am a total unco... and they claim you don't have control in an auto and I think "hmm, obviously you just can't drive an auto" because you can control it and it does have gears that can be used when needed... so I think seriously, I have a mode of transport, so get over it! Amazes me how it is their business.

Oh, and the same people who tell me I don't work hard enough with school tell me I should take a day off when I dislocate my knee, which happens so often. Twice this week in fact. So go figure that.

And generally speaking, it's like this big onslaught of attacks and nosiness all round. People seem to think they know everything about everyone, but if you look closely at their life, they have their problems too. Also, everybody gets "offended" by everyone. I so hate that word "offended" because it gives us a right to be mad at people for not always good reasons and makes us feel oh so righteous, when really, only Jesus is, and I don't think he ever said "wow, I feel so "offended" by your comment that I decided to take out of context"

Genuine concern for a person is fine, and good even. But I think we ought to look at our own actions before making sweeping statements about each other, and maybe we need to be more tactful in our approach. Blatant attacks and debates close people off and make them defensive, so why do it?

Time is Warped

People talk about the idea of time flying, which is quite funny because it can't fly, but I certainly am realising how it seems to go so much faster than it used to...

I'm doing QCS in hmm, 3 weeks and I was thinking today about how last year, I walked to the bus stop with my friend on QCS day and we were talking about how it was only a year away before that was us... and now here we are... very scary! It seriously does not feel like August, or maybe it does. My body tells me it is August, and my motivation says it's more like November... but yeah, it's crazy crazy.

Today, I took my beach to the dog... wow, I just noticed that after I typed it and decided to leave it there because that's funny. I took my DOG to the BEACH and had a reminiscent moment. I went to Macca's near the M1 and was like "wow, I've been here before" and realised I went there with Bec (which feels so strange to say coz I think you're the only one who reads this Bec) but anyway, do you remember your organised beach day that no one came to except me? No real point in saying all that, other than the fact that seems like sooo long ago. See, proof, time is warped.

The Circumstances

About a week or two ago, I was watching this DVD of Donna Crouch - one of the Hillsong pastors, and she was talking about healing. She used the example of a melanoma she had removed. It was a pretty huge one and took many months to heal, but she got one of the best specialists in Sydney to do it, and afterwards, was completely healed and there was virtually no scarring despite the fact it was large. So she referred to that, and how she didn't go to a backyard butcher to fix it, she went to the best person to heal her. She talked about having an illness/disease/problem, but not letting it own you... I found this interesting...

I have my fair share of physical/mental problems, and truth is, these have only really in the last 2 years come out in their fullest and I am learning the implications of these upon my life. So I am not good at dealing with set backs...

Examples - I've done about 4 months of physiotherapy on my horrible knees. Every week, twice a week for 4 months I've marched myself up to the hospital to be poked and prodded at and then spent a few more hours a week doing strengthening exercises, all in the hope of peace of mind that I won't suffer from dislocations anymore. On Friday, I went to see a surgeon (as this was an option) who told me he didn't want to do anything without at least another 4 months of physio, and even then, probably not until I am 25. In some respects, I undersand where he is coming from, because my bones won't finish growing until I am 25, but the thought of having this problem for another 8 years is really hard, and it makes me worry about osteoporosis, as up until the age of 25, you should do an hr of weight bearing exercise a week, and the reality is that I simply can't do that... so today I dislocated my knee and now I feel really depressed about it. I feel like I've wasted my time, like I'm not improving... I didn't need 4 months of hard work to just dislocate it again, or be told that I can't play sport... So how do I have control of this, rather than it having control over me? Physically, nothing, mentally, not become apprehensive and get a defeatist attitude... gotta work on that...

With the whole depression in general thing. I hate to say aloud "I am depressed" because it feels like I've lost, like I am crazy, like I am one of those "pathetic" people. I remember once seeing a sufferer of depression on tv and thinking "gosh, just get over it" and now I see those people and think "gosh, I know exactly where you're at, doesn't it suck?" I am learning that maybe this thing never goes away, but how do I own it, not it own me? Especially when it turns into a hormonal problem, and not just my thoughts. I am developing the skills to deal with my negative attitudes, but still, how do I deal with the sleeplessness that comes, and the fatigue that follows? The unmotivated attitude? The willingness to give up on life? The diminished pleasure in everything? Poor confidence...

That's what I am learning. How to deal when circumstances simply suck. It's a pickle and a half.

Plug For Stafford

Do you know what I love about my church? That people do care. Sometimes they aren't so good at showing it, and of course there are always a few who have had bad attitudes to the church, but most try. Like for example, when my car was having problems on Friday night, heaps of people helped, whether it was to do with the car or calming me down, or organising me to see other salvo mechanics (lol salvo discount) they all pitched in and didn't leave me stranded. Today, someone from church gave me some stuff she'd looked up especially for me to see a doctor who will be good at looking after me and people just get excited about each other's lives. It's really great. And this might all sound a bit self-centred, but it's not, because that is what church is about... looking after each other with the guidance of God.

I went through a big phase of wanting to leave my church, and the last few weeks I have felt really uncomfortable for me to be there (because of my own issues) but today it all just clicked. Our church does this thing now where one person comes out the front (a pre chosen person) and the congregation just offer encouragement and it is really lovely. I love my church, I love the people, I love the way we are young and are still learning to walk, but that we're heading in the right direction and we're getting there. It's all about vision. And I love the mix, the way we have drug and alcohol addicts (or past addicts) come to our service, we have homeless kids who call Monday night cricket church, we have wealthy people and students, young, old... it's great the mix. But we shouldn't get cocky, lots of things need work. Yeah, plug for Stafford!

Drama's of a Drama Queen

This is absolutely nuts...

Since last Sunday, I have looked at, liked and agreed to buy a car, been to the bank twice (and that is a story in itself), spent 25minutes on the phone to organise insurance, whilst being at work, got an RACQ membership, transferred a registration (now we're up to Thursday) been sent on a few hours worth of errands for the family, hit a dodgy kerb on the way out of a friends driveway, got stuck in a park at the hospital (for my knee) because it was next to a big fat concrete pole and the other person took up some of my park... then Friday, arrive at SAGALA to notice a big trail of fluid coming from my car and steam coming out of the bonnet. Freak out! Find people who own cars, be advised to call RACQ (I've had the membership for the total of 1 day now... the beginning of a long lasting relationship) then I'm told that my fan isn't coming on, causing overheating. Get scared and want to cry, although don't because I have a fantastic boyfriend who is assuring that everything will be fine and a great friend, Susanne who is doing an awesome job of not letting me get overwhelmed and make bad decisions. For example, I told the guy I bought the car off about the problem and he said he'd fix it for me, but Susanne says "It's your call, but I think you shouldn't trust a backyard job, and if you make any decisions tonight I will hit you" (said with a smile but fair amount of sincerity) then in my stress out (heaps of people are there because Energex is on so everyone is crowding around my little Cesil) it starts raining and I am in no position to be figuring out how to reverse out of a park so Susanne does this for me (I don't do parks... well I didn't but I'm getting to that bit). All of a sudden, the car just starts working again, no problems at all... So I go home and all is fine... then the really scary bit...

Mum says to me "you left your handbreak off last night" I look out window and car is roled down driveway. No way did I leave it off I always put it on first before I park.... ALWAYS. So I accept that I may have and go downstairs to move it (it's not quite on the road, nearly) and I see the window is open, all doors unlocked. No way, I may have left the handbreak off but I didn't forget to lock the doors! Yeah, and then the car doesn't start because the box over the ignition is not there anymore and everything has been rewired. I cry, go get mum, she confirms an attempted theft! I'm like, no way this sucks. As if last night wasn't stressful enough and I'm supposed to be at work in half an hour. So I call the police, but because my dear friends from church last night mooned the car, and crawled all over it and in it as I tried to leave (which was incredibly immature, dangerous and annoying) they couldn't finger print it. Luckily enough, the people who did it were ammatuers and didn't realise they were literally a minute away from getting it. All they had to do was snap the steering wheel lock and it was gone. I count myself very lucky that didn't happen, and they didn't do any damage other than the ignition stuff, which is easily fixed. Cevine did that today it costs lots to do... the parts, plus a club lock for the wheel is costing about 200. It just feels like such an invasion of privacy and I'm really scared to be leaving out there alone! But I learnt to reverse park into the yard today, so I put it in a strange place that people will have difficulty getting it out of... ok so I have to get it out, and it's annoying, but hey you gotta do that sometimes!

And all this in a week!

Wisdom

I have recently started to journal again. I find that if I don't journal, or talk about whatever I have read in the Bible, I retain very little and learn very little. But it is amazing how many different things God can teach me when I write from just one verse. Last night, I planned to read Matt 8, coz at QPAS we started journalling one chapter of Matt a day, so I thought I would continue with that. But instead, I flicked open my Bible and it went straight to Proverbs 19:20 "Listen to advice and accept instruction and you will become wise" and then God started to speak to me.

I realised that I am coming to a point in my life of "growing up" as in, I am about to finish school, I can drive, I am working more now, therefore have more money... I am not officially an adult for another year, but as I get closer to finishing school, I am realising that many of the responsibilities of being an adult are coming in my direction very quickly! Especially since next year I intend to work fulltime to fund Canada... which is another thing kids don't do... So this verse spoke multitudes to me. I know that I can develop arrogance and the know-it-all syndrome quite easily, and think that I have it all clued, but truth is, I am still really young, and a lot can be learned from the older and wiser. My focus was on the driving thing, just because I have a licence doesn't mean I can drive, and I need to LISTEN to what others say. So that's just it... listen and accept to become wise in the things that begin to shape my "adult life" ...

Ode to Cesil

I got my car, and I drove it on my own with no other driver in the car. It actually didn't feel much different, the only difference was that I felt more aware of what I was doing, like observing traffic so strangely enough I felt safer. Yay, I have a car.

Cesil

I'm getting Cesil tomorrow. It was meant to be today, but banks are difficult to contend with. Very frustrating but anyway, it's all good. Ahh, I can't wait until I get Cesil lol.

Opportunities

It's great the way God gives us opportunities to minister to people. Last night I was working with a girl who is my age and over the last few shifts she has started to open up a little bit. Anyway, last night she started asking me questions about Christianity and then was asking for some relationship advice considering she has just broken up with her boyfriend of 1 year. It was kinda cool because I haven't had opportunities to share with people like that in awhile, and it felt very right. So I don't know if she's taken on anything of what I said, but that's up to God to work out...

And the guy who I am buying the car off, when he came to show me it, we somehow ended up completely sidetracked from the car, and instead we talked about God for ages. And he thought it was amazing that I was going to church even though my family don't and then he wanted to know all about the salvo's and my testimony, then he's talking about coming to church one week, or going to uni church which his friend runs at QUT. Oh, and for the record, he said I was bright and switched on... LOL take that people's who think I am a little ditzy!!!

I hope I can pick up my car today... grr, banks are so annoying because apparently you can't transfer from bank to bank and then you can only take out a limited amount per day and ARGGGH everyone is at work all the time and there is no time and that annoys me! Anyway, I am trying to think of a name for my car, I'm currently thinking Cesil (it's tradition to have strange names, Susanne's is Kwang, Emma's is Sevvy). Any suggestions?