Dear Me

Oh dear, I am finding uni very stressful this semester. The work in one of my subjects is awful and hard and in the other subjects, it is all so ambiguous and everyone seems to be heading down a different track... and there is minimal guidance.

Today we had 2 lectures about the respiratory system and the different things that can impact upon it. I found this rather interesting, as the whole time I sat there struggling for breath, which I put down to anxiety. I've never really had anxiety issues, but they are becoming a regular occurence along with headaches this year. I think it is a combination of stress (not just to do with uni) and fatigue, which is most likely related to iron defiency. Pfft. And they say old people have all the health problems... well between anxiety, depression, bad knees, eczema and headaches, I think I give most old people a run for their money! LOL

It's on my heart to say

To love another is hard, yet to hate is harder.
It seems impossible to hold onto love, but you couldn't possibly give it up.
The distance hinders communication, but in time we will learn, and be grateful.
We share many sleepless nights together, sometimes joy, sometimes sorrow.
It feels like only yesterday we met, but it seems we've been together forever.
Fights break our hearts, the simple apology heals us stronger than before.
We're young and have much to learn, don't condemn us, help us.
His smile warms me, the warmth comforts me, the comfort gives me security,
that we will choose to love, no matter the cost, no matter the pain and the heartache
for today, for tomorrow and for every day left for us to live.

Cast away the doubts and bring forth great faith.

Chances

I, like many other uni students, often complain about the workload, complain about not having enough time, complain about the text books and in the end leave everything until the last minute.

But I was thinking this morning about how much we take for granted. We say it all the time, how fortunate we are and yet still we forget it. For example, why do we have this culture of caring so little about the opportunity to study? I think back to how easy it was to get into uni - I really didn't put much effort in at school and I had no problems in applying. It was all so simple and it is the same for most of us. And because it was so easy, now I often forget how good I've got it, when there are people in my own sphere of existence who could not testify to my experience. So maybe rather than complain, I should be grateful and make something of this great opportunity, instead of bluffing my way through.

Oh, and I love Antony!!! He'll be 18 soon, which makes it less weird!

Goals

Semester 2 Goals:

1. Submit all assignments 1 week early (keeping good efforts of semester 1)
2. Wag less
3. Study 5 hours a week minimum
3. Become fatter. Semester 1 did great things in causing a 4 kilo weight gain. V. impressed. Intention, gain another 4, then maintain. Will be happy then
4. Spend less, save more... or just save something
6. Read for pleasure - 1 book a fortnight
5. Appreciate Antony and other friends more

Ambitious I know, but with God all things are possible, right?!

:(

I feel sad. Don't really know why, but I do. I think it is because my knee is still in the brace. It has been 7 weeks, and was only meant to be 4 - 6 weeks. But it is going to be about another 2. Which makes it 9 weeks before I can bend my leg, which really sucks. I am sick of public transport because the seats are always taken, or if they are not, there isn't enough room to sit down properly. And it takes me twice as long to walk anywhere. I hate steps, which by the way, qut has thousands of. I am ALWAYS late to uni because of transport and mobility issues. Sick of being looked at and treated like an invalid. The brace is hot and yucky and I can't find many clothes to wear comfortably with it.

Really I am just disappointed because today I was hoping I could take the brace off, but plans changed. I feel sad.

Week 1

Well, tomorrow is beginning of week 2 of uni. So, everyone says it's a big change and I won't disagree. In my first week, I got lost and missed a tutorial, met stacks of new people - some I really like, some I really don't, and I have already had an overwhelmed moment.

I have realised that I love control and the feeling of independance. So this week I had a bit of a downer because I haven't been able to control the whole uni thing... I have minimal control over what time I get to uni, I can't control if the lecturers decide to publish our readings... I can't control anything and it really is driving me a little crazy! And not being able to walk properly because of my knee really makes me feel dependant... I can't drive and I can't really carry things myself etc. So I guess I have always known I have a need for control but I have only just been reawakened to it.

I know that everything will work out, my knee will get better (which it is, daily and that's a real encouragement to me because it was slow progress to begin with, but now it is going really fast) but for now, I just have to push through all the junk.

Aside from that, the whole uni thing is exciting... I am so glad I have started... I feel motivated because I actually want to be there. Trust me, nothing gets me up at 5am 4 days a week unless I really want to be awake for it!

Daily Woes

Boys think they are so funny. So Antony is here right now and he hasn't shut up for about 30 minutes now and basically, he's putting this bogan type voice on... omg I am laughing so hard!!!

Anyway, I went to church today, very exciting... I left the house yay!!! I wish I had more people to talk to... so that's why I am going out for coffee with Bev tomorrow.

Antony is great. He's been here helping me do everything... getting me into cars and taxis, making me lunch and breakfast, retrieving ice packs and various other daily requirements... cleaning up after me... Every cripple should have an Antony. And he's great company, I love him...

(He reckons I am sucking up and want something now... only an engagement ring to be honest)

Not Tired

My body clock is messed up and the stupid thing is that I have no legitimate reason. It's after midnight and I don't feel at all tired. So I am really bored, again which is kinda the story of my life at the moment.

I look forward to starting uni. No... I look forward to finishing uni because I inevitably will loathe studying, that's simply a fact... but anyway, I was looking at the subject assessment for first year and comparitively to year 12 looks rather pleasant. One unit, I get to do online quiz's and surveys for like 30% of my grade which is pretty awesome if you ask me! Oh and then there is a 1000 word essay and I can't even write out a grocery list in 1000 words!

Hehe ask me in 6 months what I think of uni and I assure you it will be a different tune!

Still not tired.

Hospital Dramas

I haven't blogged in over a month, but I am fairly sure nobody actually cares, since I have no "why don't you blog" type comments. Oh well nobody loves me.

So I will just talk to myself.

It has been a week since I left hospital after my knee operation. I had a patella stablisation which entailed a laterell release and mediol advancement, which can also be call plarquation. In lamens terms, I had one muslce loosened up, one tightened up and the whole point is so the muscles that support the knee cap work together and at equal strength because before the operation one of my muscles was overactive and pulled my knee cap out, which hurts. A lot. Like really hurts.

Anyway, hospital was an interesting experience. When I was in the recovery ward, I had really low temperature and blood pressure so they were like, nah, you can't be admitted yet. Then when that got stabilised, I was in stacks of pain, so they pumped me up with lovely liquid drugs that kinda make your head go a little funny... ahh to the blessed painkillers. BUT THEN I wasn't breathing properly. A side effect of the general anaesthetic is that sometimes it makes your brain slow down and think you don't need to breathe. So before I could be admitted into the normal ward, they said I needed to be breathing about 12 - 14 times a minute, but I was breathing about 7, which isn't good.

So two hours later I was put in a ward with 3 other post-op women, all with knee issues and I was probably the youngest by about 30 years. Gotta love it. I discovered that hospital is not a quiet place, the lady next to me had a urinary tract infection (which I learnt all about through the doctors and nurses who were speaking loudly at normally quiet hours of the night) and so she was buzzing every twenty minutes, and then every two hrs they did our obs but I was always the last one, so should I have managed to sleep, I got woken up by the first lady who made her complaints known.

Day 2 I had to go to the toilet (by the way, bed pans all night... lovely!!!) so the nurse got me up and I awkwardly hobbled into the loo, she said to buzz when I was done. So I did, but then I got this overwhelming dizziness and I'm like "oooh, I really need to spew" and I buzzed again, but they didn't come, so in my sorry state I tried to get out of the bathroom, but passed out. 5 minutes later, I felt two nurses pick me up and put me on the bed and I was sweating lots and felt sick and they were like, keep your eyes open and I didn't want to.

This whole passing out experience happened about 6 or 7 more times in the four days that followed. Pain and painkillers and shock from surgery caused it. I'm much better now.

Except that it still hurts and physio sucks and I am SERIOUSLY bored. I have nobody to talk to, I can't go anywhere, I miss my car so much. Even having a shower turns into a huge event. So basically, my day consists of waking up at midday or later, eating, playing the sims, speaking to Antony for a very short time because the mobile costs heaps, then going to bed sometime shortly after dinner. It's so lame and I am really lethargic because of lack of activity and my eyes are all mirky. Eww.

I cannot wait to start uni and get up and be active again! Until then, I will be lonely and bored.