Suck at packing

Oh my gosh, I am so BAD at packing. See, whenever I go somewhere, I usually have this rule about doing 3 packs... the first pack is to see what I nee dna what needs to be washed. This generally happens at least one week before going away. Pack 2 happens about 3 days before going away. This is the pack where I literally write down EVERYTHING I need to take and pack it and then put the list on top of the stuff with the things that are not yet in there highlighted. It is at this stage that I do a bit of an audit to see if anything doesn't really need to come (because right now we are looking at about 2 suitcases of stuff + my make up bag which is a suitcase in itself really...) If by this stage anything is coming and is not clean, I have a bit of an anxiety attack and stress out big time. Pack number three happens the night before. This is when absolutely EVERYTHING that is going is zipped up and put in the suitcase. I then pull out my daggiest most horrible pj's and suffer in silence over having none of my essentials present. And then after all that, I still seem to have way too many bags and I think "surely I haven't forgot anything" and then usually by day 2 of being away I work out that I want something from home. It sucks.

Generally I am just really bad at this whole pack up thing... I always seem to lose things between my little escapades as well. If I ever become an officer, man I am gonna SUCK at moving around heaps.

Fired (still in denial)

Aww, this so sucks. I'm sitting there in the hairdresser salon having a bit of a splurge to ease the stress levels and I'm spending more money than I can really afford, but that's ok because I have a bunch of shifts lined up for after QPAS... and I recieve a phone call... "hello" and it is work. Basically, they ask me to leave (fire me) because they have apparently got too many people on staff now. So I kinda choke up a little and feel incredibly guilty about my hair splurge and they try to justify it and crap on about how it is just because other people want more work yada yada...

Then I tell my hairdresser and we complain about my work for awhile and I feel so mad. I just want to cry. Why has this happened on top of everything else? Why me? What did I do wrong? And then I began to think about what I may have done wrong, which really wasn't anything. Seriously I put everything into this job and worked hard and they said I was doing fine... so I was a bit in denial... I've never been fired before, for whatever reason.

But I'm actually ok. I'm reading this book about relieving pressure and it talks about how most people live by cause and effect (if I do this, this will happen...) and so immediately I thought "it was because I did this and so I got fired or I didn't do that" but actually that is not God's way of doing things... see just because we work really hard at something, doesn't mean we will get it... Just because I put everything into this job, doesn't mean I won't get fired... so for this reason, I'm just like, "fine God, guess I won't be putting anything in the collection bag for awhile, but that is alright coz you already know I have nothing to give. " And that was not sarcastic... I sometimes feel bad when I cannot give financially to God because I have nothing but He understands...

By the way, my hairdresser thought work (ex) were really horrible and gave me a $10 discount. That was really nice of her.

Getting There

I know I need my God. But I cannot seem to hand my life to Him and I hurt and I cry and I pray and sometimes I just scream at God and blame Him for my hurts still being there. Give me a break I say and I feel like He is not there. But I still cling to Him. I profess to believe but I just skrew up time and time again and I don't have faith that I will pull through. But I want it. I know I have to surrender but how? How do I do that? I ask Him all the time "please God show me the way I have to go. Please God help me surrender and trust. Please, give me wisdom and fill me with love and joy" In one breath I love Him in the next I am destroying myself. Everyday this hole I am in grows deeper and deeper and I, just the creature who is drowning in it. I want to be through this mess but know I cannot do it alone. And I am here being transperant because hiding my hurts does nothing. I do not wish to open myself to people in fear of losing my sense of self, of losing people's respect. I care so deeply about what people think... but I have to push this aside and geez that's hard. Really hard. I want people to love me, but I don't want to be the the problem that needs fixing, or the skrewed up crazy one. So I will be open to God and to people and maybe, just maybe I will get through. Maybe.

Dictatorship

Do what they say when they say. Do it their way and no other. Do not disagree or complain. Lay low. Keep your mouth shut. Don't speak, don't smile, don't laugh. Don't ask for anything and when you get something act like it is amazing, even if it is really nothing. Don't gossip because no one can be trusted. Never speak of illness, should you fall victim to one... do not cry because that is weak. Don't move without permission, follow orders always.

Do all this and maybe the only consequence or punishment you recieve for living is a grounding or a lecture or a fight. Don't do this... find a new place to live, be put in the kennel because really you are only a dog... their pet and you're not loved. You just live there.

Leaving under duress

If I don't get kicked out by the end of the year (which is about to happen) then I am leaving home. It sucks. I can't afford to leave, but I don't have much choice. Know anywhere I can live cheaply?

Yep

I hope I have a fatal heart attack. Soon.

The unloved Blog

Well I am not actually sure that anyone reads this anymore but I will probably keep writing anyway because it is good to voice my thoughts. Bit of a diary type thing.

Brodie (the dog) is barking a lot right now. She is howling at me because she wants to go outside but I don't want to take her out because it is raining and she'll get muddy feet. Soon I am going nose stud shopping because I keep losing them and that sucks. Today I hope to buy a red one because at QPAS there is a "red themed day" and I like to go over the top with dressing up... I can't wait to plan crazy costumes, will be really fun lol. Oh well, I am bored now. I had physio this morning and apparently I work hard, so go me. They say my knee is improving and I hope this is the case. When I go to QPAS I might even go down to the beach to do exercises because sand makes it harder. Or maybe I will sleep. Dunno wait and find out!

Decided to search for some answers to my book of questions. What better book to look to than the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth?

Hebrews 11: 1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

and verse 6

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who come to Him must believen the He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

Hebrews 13:5,6

"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you"

So we say with confidence,

"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"

James 1:2 -4

Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whever you face traisl of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

and 12

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

1 Peter 1:6 - 9

In this you greatly REJOICE, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth of gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved gneuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious JOY, for you are receiving the goal of your FAITH, the salvation of your souls.

5:9

Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH.

5:10, 11

And the God of all GRACE, who called you to his seternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the pover for ever and ever. Amen.

Just a few.

Enough

If you say you believe in Jesus but doubt that He can heal you, are you a Christian? If you seek after Him and think your doing good just getting through the day, is that good enough for Him? Even when others seem to think that your not enough... what then?

Jumping off the Walls

Ok... so I've just spent the last 3 days pretty much doing nothing in particular. I've gone to physio a few times (man that hurts soooooooo bad) and I've done housework and cared for my doggie (and trust me, that takes energy) but I've also been getting an entire, lovely 8 hours sleep a night, which is divine. So it is now night 4 of lots of sleep and is now 3.30am and I can't sleep at all. I am practically bouncing off the walls here and I'm not even gonna try to go back to bed coz I've been awake for the last 2 hours anyway... I have to go to work at 6 today so no point trying to sleep again. I'm gonna go watch a dvd.

Conditions

Well it appears now that I have asthma as well as ... eczema, allergies, valgus deformity of both knees, hip displacement, depression, iron defiency and frequent headaches. Yeah, let's just chuck in one more condition! Haha... I told my doctor this morning that I feel like an old lady!

Isn't

I don't usually write poetry. But it is good sometimes and it isn't very good but captures my thinking and feeling right now.

Isn’t no bed of roses
This crazy thing called life
Floating along sometimes
Sometimes drowning in amongst it all

Maybe it is a bed of roses
Paint the pretty picture
Red and yellow and white
Don’t talk of the thorns

Who will tend to this garden?
That is consumed by the spikes
And pains and tangles
They encompass me

Dig deeper and I become numb
Not the world I aimed to create
Life is overrated
But push through the adversity

Childhood fantasies and dreams
Listlessly blow away with hope
And love and joy
Fairytales aren’t reality

Tell me to keep pushing through
A promise awaits at the end
For those who survive
Can I survive?

Crumbling like the wet sand in my fingers
It lies and says it is strong and together
But apply the pressure and it breaks
Like me. Broken and not quite the same

My life is scattered like ashes
Of one who is deceased
But I am not
A broken life is a life

And a life is not dead
A life in shambles
Is still a life
A broken life can be repaired

Relieved

First day off. It is truly amazing how our bodies cope under pressure. I feel so tired, and yes, I have felt tired for ages, but last night after work (which was 6.30) I just completely crashed. It took me an hour to get home from work because the first bus that I hailed just drove off and didn't stop. Very rude I thought but I was so cactus that I didn't even care. So I came home and then had a kind of huge situation to deal with and that just wiped me out heaps and so I went to bed afterwards... and slept for ages. Now I am feeling relieved but still really really tired.

Anyway, congrats to the cane toads! I don't think I could have bared to watch QLD lose another state of origin series... and the best thing is, we still have snacks on the table from last night! Hehehe, I have been eating really healthy so I am about ready to splurge big time.

Relaxation Awaits

Exams are all over finally. Feel so good and relieved. Maths was really really hard so overall I think I will fail that exam. Oh well. Wow, I am sooooo tired from my 5 hours worth of exams today and although it is nice for it to be over and to have 6 days of freedom before I go back to school when exam block finishes, it was pretty nasty of my school to shove all 7 exams into 3 days. It has been so full on especially since I went to guard camp on the weekend. Meh, it's over!!!

Now I shall sleep and rest for the next nearly a week before going back to school for a week then going on holidays for two weeks. Relaxation awaits me.

Stuff

We did our drama production last night... I forget how draining it is to do 4.5 hours of rehursal and then a performance!!! Actually, I don't think I've ever done that much full on rehursal... but anyway, we ordered pizza for dinner and I made a personal best with eating... 4 slices of pizza, half a tube of pringles, 3 glasses of orange juice and half a box of m&m's... and I could have eaten more but we ran out of food, so that sucked!

The performance went really well and everyone I spoke to enjoyed it... and said it was better than the other yr12 class... hehe, we rule!

Mummy got a job today... a fulltime one, so I am very happy for her. I'm not actually sure what she will be doing as yet, but yeah, yay for Mummy!

Stories

So what's been happening? I've just got a couple of little stories that have happened recently...

1) I've been working at NewsExpress for a week now. It is fantastic having money again... it's not much because I am not getting many hours until I am trained up, but yeah, that's ok coz I am busy anyway. I like working, it gives me something to do (not that I need extra things, but it's the variety and practicality of it that I enjoy). But I laugh at myself over a little incident from last night...

Judy and Brian Kerr are married and own the store... they have 5 daughters, three work there... one of which is Louise who manages the store (although Judy is always there). Last night, Darcy and Louise were having a conversation about racing. Some of the lines used were "what do you take to thin your blood?" and "Oh, I'm not sure if I will go on Wednesday night..." and "we need more chicks there" and "so and so felt crap the next day" and "such and such will get caught" and "I wanna go faster"... Up the road from me is a guy who street races at night in his hotted up gemini (hehe, he has a gemini) so naturally I was thinking "right, I'm working with a bunch of people who are junkies that like street racing" and all of a sudden I saw Louise in some tarty little outfit hanging off a car... So I asked what they raced and they laughed and said "push-bikes" in a rather sarcastic manner. So I thought, definately cars. Then I was like "where do you race" and Darcy said "all over the place" and I said "like on the road" and he said "yeah all the time" ... oh my gosh I am thinking... so then I asked if it was at a track and basically eventually worked out that they were in fact talking about push bikes. Yes, I felt rather embarassed and we all laughed and laughed... me is a dag.

2) I'm so failing chemistry. I asked for help from the teacher and she told me to ask Antony and Antony couldn't tell me so I asked her again and she told me to go away. End of story.

3) Physio sucks.

4) I have a drama production tomorrow night. Very scary... amazing how quick time goes... I remember thinking "we have so long until our performance" and now it is tomorrow. Our play is called "Scattered Lives" and it is a collection of stories about refugees, why they left their homes and the struggles and joys they've had in getting to and settling into Australia. Overall it is a very high emotion and intense show, with a strong political and moral message... well actually, rather than give you a message, it makes you think about your views on refugees, so that is why I like it. I hate drama that is over-explained and not thought provoking because it is shallow and treats viewers like idiots... but this one isn't like that. I am playing the role of a refugee who is from Iraq and upon arrival in Australia, I am put into a detention center... it's cool because the lights are all black except for a blue light that is on me and it is in the shape of prison bars... really groovy... but yeah, interesting role to play because I leave Iraq because of religious persecution. Although I don't understand persecution like other people have, I do know how it feels to be treated poorly because of your beliefs... so it's quite easy for me to characterise. Still, I am really nervous and I dare say tomorrow I will be expending a lot of emotional energy. Wish me luck and pray for my nerves!!!

I'm going to go and have a bath now...

12 000

$12 000... would buy a decent car, half a house deposit, feed hundreds of poor children for a few years, completely re-decorate your home, make the Salvo's really happy!!...

So many things this kinda money could be spent on. Instead, NewsExpress alone at Lutwyche sold that many lotto tickets for the super draw for 27mill last night. Incredible. Therefore, if we consider that Lutwyche is what... about say 1/200dth of Brisbane alone... do the maths, a lot of money spent. Incredible. Work however was good and I was promised a car from a customer... I've not heard anything yet!

One girl at work told me she's been given 4 cars, 3 houses and hundreds of thousands of dollars. She's still working there and still doesn't have a car.

Off to work!

It's my second day of work today. I start at 2.30. So yeah. It's nice having a job coz I missed employment (and money) but on Wednesday I will have money for the first time in a very long time. I'm going to get my eyebrows waxed because they desperately, desperately need it.

Anyway, I was thinking about something... at work, people buy heaps of lotto tickets. Like they will buy $10 worth, win $8 and come back and ask for another $10, so they have lost $2, but something drives them to keep playing. Maybe because our store has a plaque because someone won $584 000 from a ticket in our store... but I think it's also just hope.

So what am I putting my hope in? A lotto ticket? It may return big and be fantastic, but it is purely luck. Or do I put my hope in God? It may not return instantly or in a big way, but it is not just luck, it is a guarantee...

But yeah, that's work for you. I like it so far... the people are nice and it's not too stressful. Good hours, good pay. I don't mind going to work today.

Make a Change

I just got a little bit bored with the old style... so yeah. Change is good. I want to change some things. God says I should change some things. So I am gonna try. Need some help... but I've turned into a music junkie and heard a song on the radio by destiny's child "coz I'm a survivor I'm gonna make it" and I laughed and thought "yes, this is a much better attitude" ... so let's see how that goes.