"Good morning, I'm collecting for the Salvation Army Red Shield Appeal... would you like to make a donation today?"

It's that time of the year again. I was a team leader, go me! Yeah, Emmah and I collected at 243 houses today on our own, and because she's not 16, we had to do them together. But yeah, we got 200 exactly for our 4 hours of walking, so that was pretty good.

*Bec, I tried to publish a comment on your blog but it wouldn't work... yay for pretty dresses... publish a photo and I will publish one of my formal dress!

No really, everything is fine!

Hehe I didn't realise I could change my text colour... but now that I know... I will be able to have so much more fun! Fun... it's not a word that is in my vernacular at the moment...

I have a new theory, and that is that Australia makes grade 12 impossibly difficult so that we can all become mental cases... then when everyone is unemployed, Mr Johny can say it is because we have a rising epidemic of mental illness in our country.

Or maybe not everyone has a huge issue with year 12, maybe it's a me thing. But either way things are still sucking... and you know what my current complain is? This:

My brother is on the brink of being kicked out of home. Everyday there is yelling and screaming and swearing and whatever. People are always stressed around the house. Scott hates me and he hates mum... so many times I have just cried and cried because I see it all turning to crap and quite frankly, it stinks. I mean, I get ill thinking about being at home and if I could I would move out. But instead I just put up with it as much as possible and leave when I need to.

I have that much school work to catch up on it's not funny. Doesn't seem to matter how much I actually do, I'm swamped and ergh, I don't want to think about it. Oh, and I hate school coz heaps of people there hate me and so it's this little cycle of everyone hating Cassie and Cassie just kinda existing and dealing and waiting with baited breath till November when she can get out!

One of my favourite bits of life at the moment is always feeling like I'm freaking 60years old. I have had a cold all year that just won't go away. My allergies are terrible and I am developing asthma. Great, huh? My knees are always dislocating and now I walk with a permanent limp because it is winter and I have mild arthritis in my knees and therefore cold and movement hurt. Joy Joy. Yeah, as well as the constant stress, nervous breakdowns, depression and fatigue, I get the added bonus of a steady weight loss. I now tip the scales at about 38 kilo. Nice and healthy... don't tell me to eat more dammit coz I can't fit no more in!

I am really over being told that things will pass coz I don't really believe they do. But maybe I am just a sour grape or something. I need a shoulder to cry on and I can't really find one at the moment. Everyone is sick of my problems and trust me I am sick of them too. Does there come a time when it is justified to just say don't talk to someone... start bottling it up. Anyway, I intend this to be my final splurge for awhile. I am going to bottle up for sometime, or at least not tell anyone because people are tired of hearing. Somehow I will convince myself that everything is fine. Really, it is.

Everything is fine.

God is Great

The amazing difference between God and people is this...

If you have a best friend, and you love them dearly but one day fail them, chances are they won't forgive you. You may have mucked up so bad that you've affected the relationship beyond repair... and if that is not the case, things may be strained until trust comes back. They probably won't be too generous towards you either.

God however is your best friend when you're not His best friend... and you can fail Him so much, yet He forgives...

I have stuffed up so badly lately. Last night I threw some things out that have caused immense damage to my life, both in the physical sense and the figurative sense...

Today, I was told I have been offered a job! This is really good because I don't deserve to be blessed so much to be given work (a.k.a moula) but God let it happen anyway! Thank you Jesus!

So needless to say, I am really, really happy and hopefully now that I know what it is like to not have money, I will be much more careful with what I do get!

Nyeh

Well, I'm home from Biology camp. It wasn't so bad afterall... apart from the hours and hours of walking, ankle deep mud and mangroves, strange animals... It was quite feral really. We had to share the kitchen between 75 of us which was absolutely ridiculous and when our day of being outside communing with nature was over, we had 2 hours tutorials at night, so by the end of the day, we were frazzled. From 6:30am - 10:30pm we just didn't stop! I have cuts on my feet from walking on the rocky shores and my eczema didn't go well with the plants. I still have allergies from it all! Plus, the whole time we had hardly any reception and when we finally found a shop, everyone just went nuts! I was definately glad to come home after the whole experience. It was very crusty! Needless to say, I am exhausted.

I've been trying to put on weight for a few weeks and have been working really hard by eating plenty and calorie counting etc. Before camp, I weighed myself and I have LOST 2 kilos! How crap is that? I just couldn't believe that I worked so hard to gain weight and ended up losing it! I hate to think what it might be now after camp!

This morning I had a driving lesson and reversed parked! How good am I? And my instructor booked the test for me today as well... so that can't be until at least July 16, but he thinks I'm nearly ready! Today in my lesson I didn't make any critical driving errors... like sometimes I forgot to turn when he asked me and stuff, but nothing that would be unsafe... so that's kinda cool...

Hmm, that's probably all I am willing to share on a public forum.

Er... I'm "sick"

Ok, it's 5:45... Sunday morning, mother's day... and I have my cup of coffee sitting there, teasing me with it's warmth. I haven't packed yet, but in one hour, I'll be leaving comfort for three days. Yes, I have an empty bag casually sprawled across my bed and surrounding it is clean shirts that beg to not be dirtied by mud flats and mangroves. But, there is no choice because yr12 Biology camp is compulsary... please... get me out of it somehow!

I am a self proclaimed girly girl... I don't own sneakers, or jeans that can get ruined... most of my shirts are pink and if not, they are not going to be worn in hip-deep water... I think little of the whole experience...

But ok, sometimes camping is good. And I have to admit, that ocassionally I don't mind the odd sleep in a tent routine, but this camp is going to SUCK because instead I could be at church today, I had to get up early after hmm, 3 hours sleep and we're being forced to Biology for literally 10 hours a day. Haha... NO

I guess in my boredom I will have plenty of time to talk to Jesus!

I mourn the loss of something special today.

I've lost my Dad. I've lost my pets and friends. I've lost competitions and I've lost things of sentimental value.

Today I lost hope. Life is not nice. Life is not kind. Life hurts and it hurts and hurts and hurts and then finally, it becomes so bad that you become numb to pain. And that's when you lose hope.

More stuff has happened with Scott and I don't wanna talk about it much. But do you know how it feels when you have a little brother is maybe just weeks away from living under a bridge? Mum told him today that she is about to kick him out... that one more thing. She doesn't wanna know him.

I try to keep quiet amongst all of this crap, but I get sick of it and it affects me more than most people realise. I cry so often about family crap and by the way, Scott's new "pet name" for me is Fucking Bitch. Don't like the language? Deal with it, coz I get called that everyday of my life and it is usually accompanied with "I hate you" so that's just grand. Life is a bitch, life is a bitch.

BUT I shall keep pressing forward, I just don't know how well I can handle it or for how much longer. I am really scared about everything but I keep reminding myself of Philippians 4:4 - 8 but I can't seem to rid myself of hurts. And I no longer hope for a bright future, I just wait to die. Then maybe if things get better, I will know to appreciate it so much better.

Getting Better

The trials seem to never go away. But then one day you realise that today was just a little better than yesterday. And it feels amazing because finally you have the smallest breakthrough it seems and you just get a tiny bit more hope.

Things were good yesterday. I wondered when things got better... they don't actually get better straight away, but today I hope will be the same as yesterday and then we'll see...

The trials bring me closer to You

Dreams

Are dreams real? Do they mean something? I must admit, I am a chronic dreamer and it seems that often my dreams reflect my circumstances and sometimes they really seem to mimick my fears. Sometimes I can't understand them and want to be able to, sometimes they seem simple but have hidden meaning. I don't really know, should I learn from my dreams or leave them for when I sleep?

Last night I had a dream about me being at the local pool with a friend. For some reason ages ago she had put some beauty products off the internet on her credit card. I hadn't realised how much they were worth and then it our conversation she quietly reminded me that I now owed her $200. See, that would be a problem because at the moment, I can't even get $20!

In my worry, I asked another friend if I could borrow her car to drive to the bank and check my balance (and probably to start looking for a job!) So she lent me her car and I'm pretty sure I had my license (let's hope) but her car was a manual and I only drove auto's. But I didn't tell her I don't drive manual and in I hopped. She wasn't with me and I had great difficulty driving but I thought... no, I have to do this.

I ended up crashing into a brick wall and stuffing her car. It wasn't a flashy car, but a car all the same... now the wierd thing is that the car was exactly the same as what the girl in question owns, but she still only has her L's... I've only seen the car once and it's just strange that I would remember. So back to the dream, I called her and said I had been in an accident and that I would pay for all the damages, which she agreed to but I secretly knew that now I had just incurred another debt. So I called mum and told her my predicament and she told me it was my own problem. And then I woke up because the whole thing was stressing me out.

Maybe I need a job, but I really don't want one because I like having time!

Oh, and also just as a side note, we're moving to Lawnton in July.

I have to wonder why in general, people ignore the wisdom and truths that others pass on... Like for example, for years people have been telling me that I need to eat more and I've always brushed it off and gone "yeah yeah, talk to the hand" ... but recently I have hit an all time low in my health. So far this year I've had a cold that has pretty much stayed since early March, I've taken about 4 school days off because I'm literally too tired to get up, I frequently sleep through classes, 12hrs is not enough and I have big black bags under my eyes. So enough is enough I said... and then formal dress shopping sparked my motivation for putting on weight. I don't care so much about that anymore, but I've been eating heaps better (although still needs improvement) and just in the last 5 days I have felt amazing. I slept 8 hrs last night and 2 weeks ago I would not have survived the day without a struggle but right now, I'm like "meh, could stay up another 5 hours easily." But I just find it amazing that people have told me for so long and I've ignored them, even though it's awesome advice... seriously, food is good for you!

But isn't it just so human to not listen to people? I mean, life is this cycle of growing up, making mistakes, learning then passing on wisdom to young kids who won't actually listen and will one day have the same revelations you did 50 years earlier!

Ah, the irony of life.